Sunday, March 21, 2010

Snakes on a... sink? (A repost)

Per some requests I received, here is a repost of a blog I wrote a few years ago about an incident I had one Memorial Day in the past. It was a very traumatic experience, but since so many found humor in it, I decided to repost it.

Snakes on a... sink?
Thursday, May 28, 2008
So, this is a story of something that happened to me on Memorial Day. Since I have no kind of life whatsoever, I decided to stay at the house all day to celebrate the holiday and just "chill-ax." Well I took an early nap that lasted until about 3:00pm. When I awoke, I had the strangest urge for a blizzard from the Dairy Queen, so I got dressed (in some scanty atheletic clothes) and grabbed the car keys and got ready to head to town.
As I was walking towards the front door, I saw something move in front of the door to the laundry room. Upon closer inspection, I found that it was a 6 foot long chicken snake!!!! Now I, like everyone else in Texas, know that a chicken snake is not venemous at all, they are just super mean and aggressive, but after being bitten by a copperhead a few months ago, I have a terrible fear of all kinds of snakes.
Well the snake saw me about the same time I saw him. He jumped into a tight coil and began hissing with his mouth wide open, and shaking his tail like a rattle snake. I was still kind of shocked about seeing a snake IN the house, however I soon came to my senses, screamed like a little bitch and grabbed a golf club that was being stored in the broom closet for some reason and commensed to swinging!
Out of all the swinging I was doing with the golf club I finally made contact with the big mo'fo's head. When the club hit him, he went crazy and began lunging towards me, causing me to scream like a little bitch again, and run towards the living room to hide, since he was blocking the front door.
After chasing me about 5 feet, he made a turn and headed towards the bathroom, where he went and actually climbed on top of the sink and tried to climb up the wall. By then I was kind of feeling sorry for him, and about hitting him. I figured he was scared because he got in the house accidentally and did not want to tangle with me. (It turns out the dryer hose that vents outside had come loose, which is how he got in. He was probably just looking for a cool spot and thought that he was going in a hole or something.)
Anyways, I decided I was just going to try to get him out of the bathroom and get him outside where he could eat some bees or something. When I peeked in the bathroom door, he was up on the sink, actually standing with about a foot of his body standing vertical. When he saw me, he automatically began hissing at me and as I shut the door, the little monster lunged at me, flying across the bathroom and luckilly I closed the door and he made contact with it, instead of me.
Well after that, any sorryness I was feeling for that bitch died right then and there. I ran to the kitchen, threw open the cabinet under the sink and began to look for something to give that bastard a long suffering death with. What I ended up with was a half-full can of oven cleaner spray, which I guessed would have to do. I ran back to the bathroom and was ready for him!
When I opened the door, I saw that he had moved from the sink to the toilet, which lucky for me, was out of his jumping range. I guess he realized he was too far away to jump too, because when he saw me, he stood up again, but instead of jumping, he was just hissing and striking.
I made my move. As soon as he opened his mouth I gave him a good dose of oven cleaner. After emptying the can into his mouth, I watched and waited... Unfortunately there was no difference besides him getting madder. I knew this attempt was fruitless and I needed to get stronger poison.
After I securely locked him in the bathroom, and barricaded the door, I jumped into my car and headed to town. I pulled up to the dollar store and bought $10 work of all kinds of pest "bombs" and "foggers." I then headed back home (after a detour throught the Dairy Queen, where I ordered a LARGE Reeses Blizzard b/c I was stressed.)
After I got back home, I acted like an assassin and threw 6 pest bombs in the bathroom (the directions said I only needed 1, but I wanted to be sure.) While I was murdering the snake, I went into my bedroom and ate my ice cream and checked my e-mail.
After about 45 minutes, I went to check my victim... That heinous bitch was still alive and looked like he was setting the bathroom up as his own personal bedroom, moving things around. I could only observe him for about a minute because the fumes from the pesticide were making me dizzy.
I decided that this fight had to end. It was starting to get dark outside by then and I knew I had to get rid of the little pest in the bathroom. I went outside and got a shovel...
To skip all the gore, after a 15 minute fight, I emerged bleeding with a dead snake draped over the end of the shovel. My knuckle had gotten scraped up pretty bad, but I was alive and he was dead. The snake barely had a head left... I walked outside and hung him on the fence, it rained the next day...

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