Monday, February 15, 2010

Seratonin and insanity

So, its been approximately a week since I've last posted. As my life goes on every day, I reflect back on this past week and realize that this has been one of the oddest weeks of my adult life. I am continuing to travel through the world of Carrie Bradshaw and her fabulous friends and am in the middle of about 4 novels right now as well, all of them different genres and opposite themes. Though I've been enjoying watching the SITC series, I haven't really been inspired to write about the topics, because frankly, I haven't been interested in love, sex and relationships, which as we all know are the major themes of that show. I've dropped the novels I was reading with love themes and traded them in for tragedies, self-finding, and unconventional fiction that only a genius can invent.

I've also been off my Paroxitine for about a week now, which means that my body is going through a major serotonin deficiency and withdrawal. The results, however have been so interesting in the fact that my creative, real side is emerging. The raw, realistic, somewhat morbid Chase is beginning to show. The pure jack-ass Chase that my employees at work detest. The Chase that society tends to shun because he's so "odd." As I take notes of my body's reaction to this lack of medication I've been on for over a year, its scary as well as intriguing to watch. I've noticed my brain is always in a daze, yet studying and comprehending several things at once. I've taken on an insane look in my eyes, and have absolutely no appetite, except for cigarettes, coffee and iced water. I've also been infested with some sort of terrible upper respiratory bacteria that is wreaking havoc on my body, which is not pleasant at all.

Serotonin is the chemical that our brain produces when we sleep. My brain, for some unknown reason, doesn't produce enough of this chemical which is causing the present effects that I'm noticing in my body, physically and mentally. This was dealt with in the past by supplementing a prescription drug into by body to preserve the balance. Now this drug has been ripped away. Add to that the fact that I have this upper respiratory infection which is affecting the little sleep that I get and you get the crazed maniac that I currently am.

This past week at work was almost an absolute hell. I love my job and everything it entails, but there have been a few confidential issues going on facility wide which is placing me in an unattractive spotlight currently. It's definitely true that when there's waves in upper management, those waves continue to ripple down to middle-lower management where I presently reside. The results aren't always pleasant, but situations like these can make or break a person's career and I'll be damned if I let this break me.

I also went to Austin again last weekend for a date and night on the town, and had the most absolute best night of my life. The company I had was phenomenal (I hope I've made a new friend for life), the night life, bar hopping and freedom was so exhilarating. I don't ever remember having that great of a time.

Driving back to Mexia yesterday though, a thought crossed my mind. Would moving to Austin for that reason actually be a wise decision right now? Would I be setting myself up for failure by living a life of reality versus what I see in television shows, movies and novels? Obviously unless you're an heiress like Paris Hilton, or some other well fortuned individual, the life of fun will not be consistent with the life of hardships that occur wherever a person lives. Would I actually, in doing what makes me happy right now, be the cause of hate, resentment and depression later in life? I absolutely do not want that to happen. As my real self oversees the parts that have been hidden for so long, I realize that I don't have a clue of what I want in life, besides to be happy. As a 24 year old, I don't know what I want to be when I "grow up." I don't know whether I want to live in a booming metro area, versus a solitary place that's rich with peace and quiet. I realize that just because I'm not living the same life that the 20-somethings I interacted with last weekend doesn't mean I'm not living. Also, just because I'm in a town of 6000 people doesn't mean I have to fit that small town mold that's so wildly encouraged in these parts. I proved that to myself last weekend by taking the trip down south and having the time of my life. So, as it appears right now, I haven't a clue what to do. I know I'm at least content right now, working in an awesome job, attending school still without the slightest idea of a major and supporting myself well enough that I am able to take those spontaneous trips and adventures that I find calling me every once in a while. I must be doing something right. Plus I can see my goals ahead of me. I can see that I want to write, I want to help people and I want to live the way that I want, not the way that the people in Mexia, or the people in Austin want me to live.

I'm a self supporting, intelligent 20 something guy with no major ties. I'm not interested in falling in love currently (if love exists) though I wouldn't knock it if it did happen to me because it would just be another mountain to climb. I've realized that I can be utterly physically attracted to someone, enjoy their personality and have great sex with them, and not commit myself to the priority of accepting the responsibility of an unconventional relationship that is required when this happens. I've always been a "romantic" personality type, but now I'm realizing that being a romantic isn't my only personality trait. The independence, creativity and humanitarian is also in there, and to make it work, there should be an equal balance of all these traits.

So we must ask; what's in store for Chase? To answer bluntly, I don't know. The lack or serotonin has handicapped my ability to fully focus and make future plans as I've always been prone to do. Right now I'm taking it one day at a time. I know that I want to further my education, my career and my living situations, but the how isn't as important as it's been in the past. I've been getting awesome, random ideas for novels and would love to begin working on them since being a published author is a long term goal that I have. I'm also watching the changes at my present company of employment and keeping an eye open for ways to advance and prove myself worthy. I've decided to continue school, without the idea of a major since I've already got enough hours completed for the equivalent of a master's degree and am going to take what appeals to me and if I have to get a bachelor's in general studies instead of a specific field, oh well. The idea of college anyways is to learn instead of creating a program. Maybe when I have the number of hours to be equivalent to a PhD, I'll have decided on a major and have the official piece of paper. Who's business is it besides my own anyway?

So to end this scattered post of ideas, I am still going to blog about whatever comes to mind. I will continue to pursue my career, education and getting a novel published. As for location, housing and lifestyle I think I'm going to sit back and watch, see what fate offers and make the decision on what's best for Chase. :o)

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