E-mail Reply...

The following text is a reply to an email between my main beeotch D'Amber & myself. After typing it, I wanted to repost it here, just to share these thoughts.
-cs

"I’ve read the “Child Called It” but couldn’t do the others. I can’t allow myself to be subjected to that b/c it leaves me depressed & sick for weeks after I see/hear/read it.

*** & I have more in common than most people will ever know. While abuse & neglect can be purposeful, it can also be done without knowing. That, though, is a story for another time.

*****’s family wants him locked up here forever because he’s an embarrassment to them & their family. They don’t care enough about him to work with him & give him the help & structure he needs/deserves. It’s like they view him as a “lost cause,” which is fine for me because it’s their loss and my gain.

I may not be able to give him the “ideal” family, but I can guarantee he’ll have a family that loves & cares about him. I was brought up that family can be anyone, any size or whatever works. While my (mom’s) family (who I’m closest to) is conventional at most, they were all taught that family & love are synonymic and everyone deserves both. There are so many “loose ends” in my family tree due to cousins, aunts & uncles being adopted, or even others being “unofficially” adopted.

People always say that blood is thicker than water. I don’t believe that. Families are people that you’re “stuck” with regardless, and have to deal with. Friends are people that you don’t have to ever be tied to, but they’re important enough that you refuse to let them go. It’s simple how someone unrelated can quickly become closer and deeper than anyone who shares blood with you.

I’m just thankful that I have so many people in my life that I can share those bonds with. Bonds from the heart outweigh blood-ties any day."

<3<3<3

Life-Strength-Actions

Song lyrics say the words that my heart is screaming, but my mouth is afraid to even whisper.



Right now, I don't know where I'm at or what I'm doing half the time.

Life is so fast, yet so empty. My music keeps me (mostly) sane.

At 24 which direction life may choose to point.



I know what I want, what will make me happy.
But I don't know HOW to get it.



I want you, crave you, desire you.

I think you might think you want me too. I haven't figured out yet.

Call me pathetic, it's probably true, but I live life to please myself & not you.



They say it's a burden, to me it's a pleasure. They say They say They say, who are "they?"



Is it normal to want a permanent, adult life? Living in constant waiting and transitioning is not the life for me.

I want to move, fly, & be content. I want my own, not borrowed, stolen, given or such.



I want love, life, permanence, satisfaction. It doesn't have to be perfect. It (&you) just has to be mine, forever.

Who cares if their's is bigger, better, more expensive. I can make it worth it. I can be worth it, I promise that.

It shouldn't be this hard. It's only another barrier to overcome.



Will it come through? This is real life, not a fairytale. There isn't always a happy ending. Sometimes it ends in gruesome manners, bloody, gory, horrific...



As a human living in the real world, the only thing we can do it to keep hope. Hope for the best, & work our ass off in order to get the desired results.

Tears are inevitable, hearts will become broken and scarred. But to survive the fight must be there...



Fight. Strength. Love. Fear. Work.

Frustration (Another FB Note)

So, I recently read a psychological-based article that recommended writing out/blogging a list of current frustrations to get them out of your head. By blogging or posting to a public forum, a person is allowed to share their feelings without having to bore someone with "woe is me" stories, or to bring someone off their high-horse with your personal issues. By writing, its there for folks to read, but no-one is obligated to listen to you drone on. Thought I'd try it since I'm feeling quite frustrated & want to get back to a peaceful state of mind. Here goes...



I'm frustrated its hot, & I'm tired of sweating.

I'm frustrated bc all this sweating is making my face break out.

I'm frustrated bc I'm 24 years old & my face breaks out like a teenager.

I'm frustrated bc I've lost 35lbs, run 12 miles weekly, control caloric intake, & am still chubby.

I'm frustrated bc I was born with traits (pale skin, red hair, freckles) that the majority of the population considers ugly.

I'm frustrated bc I'm ready for changes, but have to depend on others to do their part too.

I'm frustrated because ppl try to shove organized religion in my face.

I'm frustrated because these same people are trying to shove a symbolical knife in my back.

I'm frustrated because ppl can't mind their own business & get in my business by gossiping versus coming to the source (me) & getting correct information.
I'm frustrated bc I'm a 24 yr old, single male that doesn't whore around & chooses to focus on more important things, therefore something is "wrong" w/ me bc I don't fit the stereotype of my peer group.

I'm frustrated bc if I was a 40 year old, attractive, married man with children I wouldn't have half the problems that are currently frustrating me.

I'm frustrated because humanity has gone down the proverbial hole.

I'm frustrated bc my parents dictated my life, made choices & determined outcomes that have affected the rest of my life, but bailed once I hit adulthood & garnered more important priorities, but then get upset & tell me I'm too independent.
In fact, I'm frustrated that at times I feel like the parent instead of the child.

I'm frustrated that people complain about how miserable their life is but don't do anything to change it, yet I'm chomping at the bit to make changes that I'm unable to do, due to the initiation depending on someone else.

I'm frustrated that people assume "older means wiser." Older doesn't mean JACK, except being more opinionated, full of hot air & thinking younger ppl are stupid.

I'm frustrated that kids are taught never to settle for anything less than the best. The advice-giver has obviously never been an unnattractive young adult who only attracts potential mates he has no attraction to, but is too nice & empathetic to hurt someone elses feelings since he's experienced rejection before.

I'm frustrated that some skinny bitches can eat whatever they want while some of us (who are already not cute) can look at food & gain 30lbs.

I'm pissed bc even if I do get an "attractive" body, I can't go shirtless bc I was cursed with 4 stretch marks on my sides from a growth spurt at 12 years old.

I'm frustrated because the general population is shallow enough to think that stretch marks, freckles & body fuzz is gross. (Yet they wonder why I don't date.)

I'm frustrated bc some of the greatest people ever born are now dead, yet someone like me (average, weird, unnattractive) can live to be a hundred.

I'm pissed bc some people never realize the treasure they have (in a child, student, client) & remain oblivious to that fact while the other person suffers & has the hard life.

I'm frustrated bc just because someone decides to help, care for, or be unselfish for someone less fortunate, people assume there's obviously something "wrong," an alterior motive, or underlying benefit. It appears people aren't allowed to be nice or practice moral behaviors.

It frustrates me that I let myself get frustrated so easily.

I'm frustrated because I lack efficiency in spelling, numerical equations & other common skills that make me look ignorant.

I'm frustrated because I have too much empathy & sympathy, which causes my heart to break quite often.

I'm frustrated that some people have good opportunities (that I'd love) yet waste them.

I'm pissed that I have to work full time while going to school 3/4 time since my parents wouldn't let me go off to school following high school bc they were selfish & wanted to keep me close, yet within a month after graduation I was told I needed to get a job & had to figure out the whole fafsa, college, degree plan thing on my own.

I'm frustrated because my independent nature actually caused quite a bit of hardship due to other priorities coming first.

I'm frustrated because that frustrates me since I know there are millions that would kill for the life I had growing up (& were probably much more deserving), yet I dwell on the things I didn't like.

I'm frustrated because I have to have a feeling of relevance, which I haven't been getting lately.

I'm frustrated because I'd love to jump on a plane, fly to an underdeveloped country & get my hands dirty helping poverished populations, but I'm unable to do that due to things that tie me here.

I'm frustrated that I'm in my mid twenties & don't know what to do with my life.

I'm frustrated bc my jaw hurts due to having "weak" teeth which was given to me by genetics.

I'm frustrated that I frequently make impulse decisions that I almost always regret.

I'm frustrated that so many souls depend on me, yet there's no-one that I can depend on, & everytime I have depended on someone I've been let down, therefore Ill be damned if I let those who depend on me down, bc I accepted the obligation & I am responsible.

I'm frustrated because I just figured that out on my own, and couldve saved millions of dollars on therapy & meds trying to figure out why I'm screwed in the head.
Speaking of that, I'm frustrated that I look, talk, act, think, & feel the opposite of the characteristics I would choose for myself were I given the chance...

And finally (for now), I'm frustrated because I've typed this entire list of things & upon reviewing it, see that I sound like a spoiled brat who should be thankful for everything that has gone well instead of what hasn't. Things can always be worse, & I'm complaining about negative things while there's so many awesome things out there for me. It appears that the majority of these frustrations are my fault, one way or another, & its up to me to make sure the rest of my life is the best.

After completing this exercise I do feel better getting it out of my head & into text. I definitely recommend it to anyone who's feeling overwhelmed or stressed. Just put it out there instead of keeping it cooped up inside.
Its documented that stress, frustration & lows are natural human nature. If we didn't have the bad, how would we know to appreciate the good? I feel the important key is to recognize these feelings, not ignore them, & base what you need to do to reach the level you want to be at. I apologize for sharing negativity & putting it out there, but at least I'm sending it out into the world, away from me.

My advice for now is to always strive for what's important to you. Whether its a house, job, degree or care for a loved one. Its obvious that people are going to talk bad about you. Its probably going to piss you off or hurt your feelings, but don't waste your life worrying about them, because they're just wasting their life concentrating on you. Easier said than done, but effort is better than giving in.

Goodnight my sweet chupacabras. Have a wonderful night.

"Me & You"-(copied from a fb note I wrote)

To various people:

It seems that distancing myself from you helps temporarily, but there are still times I long for the past. The past when it was mandatory to see one another daily. There wasn't a day that went by that we didn't speak on the cellular. Then one day you decided that it wasn't worth it, that I wasn't worth it. You say one thing but your actions contradicted it. I still followed, like a sheep to slaughter, knowing doom was imminent, but not changing the path that I'd let myself wander too far down. I was naíve and was learning, but didn't have the knowledge or confidence to know I deserved more.

Now I have found more, I've found you. You aren't perfect either, but you make me feel relevant. You make me feel "worth it," which is a polar opposite. Its not perfect, but it's ours and we have a lifetime to make it perfect. When I look at you I know we've loved one another in a previous life. The connection is still there. I promise I got your back & can never, ever repay you for everything you've given me. You've shown me that life is meant to be perfect & regardless of one's past, its never too late to get what you deserve. Knowing this may have saved my life, your life, his life or her life. Things like that can't even have a value assigned to them.You have my service, love, attention & devotion for ever. I promise that.

And finally to you. I don't even know you, what you look like, sound like, feel like, or anything. I have never met you, but I know you exist, somewhere in the world. There are too many people in the world for you not to exist. I don't know your age, race, residence or any of that unimportant junk, but I'm confident youre somewhere out there & I'm just waiting on faith to recognize the perfect opportunity to bring us together.

My heart may not be perfect. It may be mended, scarred, full of love, hate & cigarette smoke, but its a powerful organ. The human heart was made to beat, to spread life and to love. Hearts have the ability to grow. My heart will never be too full to add love. To my past, present and future loves, you've all got a place in my heart. A place that is always yours and I promise you will never be replaced or forgotten, for there's always room for more in my heart... <3

Careers: To Choose, or Not to Choose.

So my mom was complaining about having to go back to work tomorrow (after being off the past month) & I was like "WTF?" She said that, as a school counselor, she only gets one month off, as opposed to the teachers who get like 6 or 8 weeks off. I told her that she should be glad she gets a month. At the State we only get like 12 weird holidays every year & have to work all 12 months without any kind of Winter Break, Spring Break or Summer Break.

Honestly, if I didn't detest those vile little creatures called children (glad I never was one), then I'd totally consider working for the school system...

Well maybe not... I don't think I'd fare well in an ISD.
(The next part is ONLY what I, personally, have observed throughout my time as a student as MISD & a citizen in the Mexia ISD.)

Have you any idea what they pay a first year teacher? Or a 2nd, third or 4th year teacher for that matter? At that pathetic base pay, not even the school holiday-breaks would be worth it because I'd be having to work a 2nd job during Christmas, spring & summer breaks just to survive financially...

Plus, from what I've observed from watching MISD, the politics are worse than working for the State. Not only do you have the Superintendent & a Principal or 3 (which I've heard at MISD have a major favoritism problem),but you also have an elected Board, who chooses whether or not to renew your annual contract, based on what they feel & hear instead of actually observing you teaching in the classroom. It all appears to be way too high on the "buddy" system, which is not good for me since I prefer to work my tail off to prove that I can do my job, & not kiss the behinds of people who may or may not renew my contract because I'm not a member of the right crowd.

On top of that, there is few little room for advancement in the school system. You start as a teacher (making pennies every month) and the only way you're going to advance is if you go back to school (and debt) to finish a Masters degree in a certain field, then hope you're part of the right crowd to get a position in your ISD as either a counselor, principal or reading/math/English specialist. If you're in a horribly political district (like MISD) & not in the right group, you will probably have to end up finding a job in another district which means uprooting your family, leaving your friends and so forth, just to advance your career to try to make something of yourself & help your family. If you choose the Administration route, after serving several thankless years as a principle, you're then eligible to apply for a position as a district Superintendent. From what I've observed in Mexia, Superintendents generally come from another district (where they've been run off from their board) and only serve one or two contract periods before their Board decides they aren't worthy & runs them off again. Way too much temporary-ness for someone who likes roots, such as myself.

While the pay of the ISD becomes tolerable (after like 10 years in the system), what's the point since you're going to either have to stay a teacher, hoping that you can stay on the right side of whatever admin comes in the next year, or as an administrator who's on the move every few years because you can't please everyone & have to make decisions that obviously not everyone will like. No thanks! Not the place for me...

While I may tease my mom about her "one month vacation," I'm really happy for her that she is fortunate enough to be in a small, happy district (from what I have seen, due to a low-turnover rate, and everyone seems to love their jobs). She's in a position she enjoys, in a nice school w/ good teachers & Admin. It's not as "clique-ish" since it is a small town & there's not really enough people in it to have more than one group lol. It's also ideal for her because she's doing what she wants to do & she doesn't like to play the political "game" which exists in so many larger places. I've noticed the teachers, aides, administrators in her district are so much more laid back, that if I had to work in an ISD, I'd definitely choose one similar to that.

However, it still isn't what I'd want. While my momma's content in her career, I'm still young (& ambitious) enough that I'd want to climb higher. While I personally am not a fan of political games, I understand that they exist everywhere and don't mind playing enough to get where I want to be.

I guess what I've realized is, that everyone is different. For some, the ISD is a perfect place for a career, while others it's horrible. I'm sure that for some the State wouldn't be ideal, and somewhere even more cut-throat with a corporate ladder is what they crave.

So in conclusion, I imagine that I've found something else to "mark off" my list of what I want to be when I grow up. I love my facility and couldn't see myself leaving to teach little beasts all day in exchange for lots of time off during the year.

I wont say that in the future, as I take more into my personal life & get older & tired of fighting I may look at something in the field of education for the aforementioned reasons, but right now, I absolutely love what I'm doing, love how it effects my personal life and I look forward to the future advancement, knowledge and whatever else it may bring me. I also encourage everyone to pursue what will give them the most out of their life. For some it seems money is the major incentive, while others want power, and some want ease. People should pursue their personal interests in careers, which is why we have so many different fields of careers in our world today.

TGIF

Tis Friday and I'm so ready to be off for the weekend. That's all...

Blah Blah Blah

Uggh. Feeling Blah-ish.
Rejection is not cool.
"It's not you, it's me."
They say, patience is a virtue. I think it's more like a torture.
Almost time to go home!
I miss you.
Just a blow to my ego is all.
I almost had you convinced
but almost doesn't count.
I imagine I'll be fine.
Gotta go home to bake anyways.
My corazon is still yours.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Fatass?

So since January I've lost a total of 30 lbs. I got down to 167 and have seemed to get stuck, and have been fluctuating between 167 & 173lbs. Based on perception of my body (and I have been studying it) I still have some excess body fat that I'd like to see gone in my lower back, sides and neck area. I haven't really been addressing it since 1) I'm terminally single & don't have to worry about anyone seeing me w/o clothes and 2) I don't have time to go to the beach/lake or get in any situation where I might be required to go shirtless. This morning, however, my friend at work (who happens to be a registered dietitian) was complaining about her weight (she has a perfect figure though), which got the rest of the ladies in my office talking about theirs (I'm the token male), which of course got me to focus on my excess.

I have some suspicions of the reason I'm not losing more, and I think it's mostly FOOD! I sometimes don't make the best nutritional choices. My caloric intake is too high some days, and I also think the accessibility of soft drinks keeps my weight up. When I go to work at 5:15 in the morning, Dr. Pepper seems to be the only choice since many places don't make tea that early, and I don't know if my stomach could handle tea at 5:15 in the morning lol. Since I'm budgeting, attempting to purchase a new house, I also tend to go for cheap & easy, which usually doesn't equate to nutritional. People can preach at me all day, but as a redhead and Scorpio, my natural instinct is to do the opposite of what's being demanded of me. I enjoy my morning Dr. Pepper, and as I tell others, if you remove everything you enjoy from life, it's not worth living. Since I decide to indulge in this practice, I need to find somewhere else to make up for it. Obviously though I'm not going overboard with it since I'm not constantly gaining weight, just remaining the same.

I've also started this new position, which does not require all the running around I did in my old job. Since I left the home manager position in the middle of June, more of my time is spent at the desk instead of the constant moving around campus that I did as a Home Manager. I've also stopped running at 4:00am now because I recently saw a copperhead on my road, and I just can't force myself to run in the dark that early for fear of stepping on a copperhead. I've been bitten by one before and there's no way I'd ever want to do it again. I definitely need to start jogging again, if just for toning/health reasons, so hopefully as things slow down with house shopping, adjusted routine and school I can squeeze it into daylight hours at least until it gets too cold for copperheads. I should be doing inside exercise routines besides dancing around w/ the iPod blaring) that will burn and tone, and that's something I'm looking at implementing once I get moved to the new house and have a larger space to partake in these activities. I understand in weight loss I have to burn more than I'm consuming. Since I'm staying about the same, I think bumping the calorie burning up a notch may assist in getting down to my desired goal.

Honestly I don't know what my recommended weight is, but I know that I'd like to be lighter than I currently am. My favorite person in the world, my adopted kid, is the same height as me 5'6" and weights 145lbs. He doesn't look too thin, but he has a bit of a smaller frame than I do. His ideal weight range is 134-162lbs so I imagine mine is close to that. At first my goal was 160lbs, which would be the lightest I've been since Jr. High, but after studying more, I'd like to actually get down to 150lbs, see how I look there, then gain a bit back in muscle from toning exercise. I definitely don't want to be a body-builder and don't care about a 6 pack or huge biceps. I just want to not be embarrassed of the excess "muffin top" that is around my waist. I also have stretch marks which, from what I understand, are impossible to get rid of which adds something else to the list of reasons to stay clothed.

People may complain that we (big people) don't lose weight the "healthy" way, but until they've been in our shoes, they need to quit offering unwanted advice. Since my first thirty pounds were lost from simply not eating, I receive so much commentary on how unhealthy it is and I should've picked another way to thin down. I just think they can kiss off, because they don't know how I feel, or how it affects me to be called fatass or something like that. I'm the one that has to live with the excess weight and jokes/insults, so I do what I can to make me happy. Obviously I'm not completely starving myself, but I did cut way back on intake. I've had several people that tell me 150lbs would be WAY too skinny for me, but I can't remember the last time I was 150lbs and if I think it's too skinny, then I'll gain some back. The people that tell me obviously don't know what I'm dealing with under the clothes.

Everyone is made differently, and I think people should focus on what works for them. Since we are the one's that have to live with our self, I think everyone should do what makes them happy.

As I further my weight loss journey I will keep everyone posted. Hopefully soon I will find out, not only what makes those around me happy, but what makes myself happy.

xoxoxo

Another day in paradise

Can this month get any longer?

Seriously I am beginning to feel that July is taking forever to pass. Besides not being a fan of Summer, I also am in a semester of classes I'm not enjoying. Attempting to budget my new salary with a new house payment that I'm hopefully going to have, as well as taking care of some legal issues that I decided to take on for moral and personal reasons. As we are still a little under a week away from the next month, I feel as if I'm stuck in summer-limbo! I've always been a fan of Autumn and Winter, and I look at the cold weather as an opportunity to dress cuter, eat more and get advantageous cuddling time (if I ever get anyone to cuddle with). In July though, I'm dealing with excess sweating, which makes my face break out and a grumpier attitude since I am already hot natured and too much heat makes me cranky. lol.

Life is, of course, grand though. I am enjoying my job, though I still havent quite acclimated to the slower pace. I miss my old job, but doubt I would go back to it if I had the chance. I just look at it as a past chapter that gave good experience and influenced my life in the [positive] way it's going. It seems things are finally working out for me. I've gotten the larger salary, and think I've actually found a house that I'll be able to afford. It is a "fixer upper" but not a totally hopeless one. It has the potential to double in value if I do what I plan on doing, which won't cost double to do. It's also outside the city limits, in a quiet area close to Mexia and about 5 minutes away from my job, which will definitely save gas $ and mileage on the car. It's also a 3 bed/ 2 bath which is what I was looking for. Even though it's just me now, it might not always be, and I have the extra room in case I do ever have someone else living there. As I mentioned, it's only in the process, but I'm just going to keep a positive outlook, because right now it's the only outlook I have :o)

Besides that, it's all the same ol routine. I keep it positive and plan on it working out perfectly.

What a world, what a world

5:40am
Uggh. I woke up at 3am this morning after going to bed at like 5pm yesterday due to being exausted plus getting too much sun while helping at my mom's garage sale all day.

Since I have no life it seems, I was wide awake so I decided to come to my parents' to drink coffee and wash my clothes (my washing machine is still broken).

All of a sudden I'm in a pissy mood and don't know why. Maybe its the fact that I'm tired, yet slept too much? Maybe it's just hot in here for some reason? Maybe I don't feel like listening to the noise of my mom loading and unloading the dishwasher at 5:30am, which will probably wake my dad up, who will be grouchy about being woken up, then my mom will complain about his grumpy mood, but she's the one washing dishes at this ungodly hour...

I definitely need to get my washing machine fixed, as well as get a new home in the Mexia area. I'm sick of the 35 mile, one way commute I have to make daily, and tired of not being able to do anything at home due to the fact that I know its temporary, and there's no need in redecorating the house, working outside in the yard or even getting satellite tv & internet hooked up, because I know that eventually I'll be moving and will end up selling the current home, leaving the garden/flower beds and then be stuck with a satellite/internet contract when I know I'll be able to get cable at a better price once I move closer to Mexia. I need to get that property cleaned off so I can move a house in or have one built, and I need to develop my budget so I can see what I can afford to pay monthly on the home/utilities/expenses.

BRB, going walking with my mom for exercise and stuff...

7:11am: Okay where was I? Oh yeah, complaining...

Anyway, I was just stating that I'm ready to get things done in more of a permanent set-up. I love my life and the way things are going, I'm just ready for everything to "pick up the pace." All the groundwork is laid, now it's just the process of needs getting accomplished, which has already been initiated. Patience has always been my weakest virtue so I'm jumping at the bit to get this done & move on to the next step in life...

Well it's good to hear your voice

I hope your doing fine

And if you ever wonder

I'm lonely here tonight

Lost here in this moment

And time keeps slipping by

And if I could have just one wish

I'd have you by my side



Oh, oh I miss you Oh, oh I need you



And I love you more

Than I did before

And if today I don't see your face

Nothing's changed no one can take your place

It gets harder everyday

Say you love me more

Than you did before

And I'm sorry it's this way

But I'm coming home

I'll be coming home

And if you ask me I will stay

I will stay



Well I try to live without you

The tears fall from my eyes

I'm alone and I feel empty

God I'm torn apart inside

I look up at the stars

Hoping your doing the same

Somehow I feel closer

And I can hear you say



Oh I miss you, Oh I need you



And I love you more

Than I did before

And if today I don't see your face

Nothing's changed no one can take your place

It gets harder everyday

Say you love me more

Than you did before

And I'm sorry it's this way

But I'm coming homeI'll be coming home

And if you ask me I will stay



I will stay



I never wanna lose you

And if I had to I would chose you

So stay, please always stay

You're the one I hold onto

My heart would stop without...you...

Whatever Post

Wow. I can't believe I haven't posted anything since May 2nd. Just shows how busy I've been.

Anyways, I'm doing laundry and have some idle time, so I thought I'd write, though I really don't have anything specific to write about. There's so much transition going on in my life right now that I am lost half the time. I've started my new position at work, I've debated on housing options about a million times, I'm concentrating on getting physically attractive (the best I can) and have jumped head first back into school to get the MBA finished as soon as possible.

Overall life is awesome. I started the new position about a week and 1/2 ago. It was a sudden surprise getting released so soon, and it took my by surprise a bit. The new position in the Food and Nutrition department is great and I know I'm going to absolutely love it. It's a much slower pace than I'm used to, and actually much less stressful. It's also "higher" on the career ladder, somewhat of an Assistant Director or "second in command," which is definitely experience I'll need in the future. Due to Annual Survey dropping in last week, I haven't really had a lot of routine training yet, but I'm taking notes and learning whatever I can so hopefully I can prove to be an asset and help the department grow and improve, which is my goal in any job. I also have a fantastic boss that supports her department, and the people I work with have great senses of humor and definitely keep work fun while getting business taken care of. I'm fitting in well in the department and it's only a matter of time before my "family" at MSSLC grows even bigger!
The only negative I've seen thus far is the fact that I've "left" my "family" on the home I previously managed. Like I've said before, working with a group of people 12-16 hours daily, 5-6 days a week, really establishes bonds and relationships. When I first found out I was leaving the next day, I actually felt guilty, like I was trading in my "family" for more money, a higher position & the opportunity to get this Masters degree knocked out. I love all the individuals I worked with as well as all the staff I supervised, so it was a bit hard, but I realized that to better myself, and to improve things in the long-run, it was a move I had to make. Though I loved being a Home Manager at MSSLC, it wasn't something I wanted to do for the rest of my career. The object of the game is to move up and better oneself, so when the opportunity presented itself, I grabbed it. I still have been going to visit and smoke with my guys daily, and am working myself through the transition. Like I mentioned above, this new position is so much more relaxed and a better pace, and as I become acclimated to this pace, I really see the benefits to the change, and am still doing something I love, as well as learning about a department I've been ignorant of in the past and realizing that like everything else, this department is a vital piece of the puzzle that makes up my facility and keeps it successful. I am definitely confident that I made the right choice and am definitely loving my professional life.

Besides the change of jobs, everything else is pretty much the same. I'm still working on thinning down some, and at my last doctor's appointment I weighed in at 167. I imagine I've gained some back since I've eaten so much the past few days, but I'm still working towards the next goal of 160lbs, maybe less, depending on appearance. So far the maximum total loss is at 28 lbs. I'm still doing a little bit of exercise, cutting WAY back on food consumption and trying to keep as busy as possible. I still have some "hate" handles on my sides and a bit of a "muffin top" so I definitely still have some trimming down to do. I don't want to be "heroin-chic," but would like to be able to go shirtless without feeling self conscious. We shall see what happens I guess.

I'm still living between Groesbeck and Mart, and definitely want to move closer to Mexia, but I'm evaluating ALL options and trying to figure out what's best. I've got some personal things in the works that I still can't discuss for a couple of more weeks, but I am definitely needing the new home and structure soon so I can get the desired results. I'm still doing my brainstorming and browsing, so hopefully I'll come up with something that works soon.

Anyways, there's honestly not a lot going on besides the normal stuff. I'm keeping that positive attitude and not giving any thought to negative things. Life continues to be fantastic, and I know that it will remain that way for me.

Mixing the pitch to a guy's voice...

Pretty cool! If I covered these, at least I'd know what key to put it in...

Miley Cyrus - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun Live

I love this version. She so should've released it as a single. She did a great job on it!

Been gone too long

I can't believe I only got one post done in the month of April. There is not enough time in the world to address everything that's been going on with me. Life has been like a wild fire. Not terrible though. April has been the busiest month I've had thus far and I've had a lot of recent changes. There were lots of good things, as well as a few bad things. I'm gonna try to get a quick post typed out as I sit here and enjoy a cup of coffee and catch up on Facebook and e-mail.

I'm still house shopping and getting frustrated about some things. First is the fact that it hasn't happened yet. We all know how impatient I can be, but I do realize that taking the time to get everything in order before I make the biggest purchase of my life will benefit me in the long run. I definitely want to get a new house but still haven't decided between a "fixer-upper," small move in ready, new sight built or even modular. Whatever I do, it'll end up being the best for me, and I still have time to decide.
I'm also still seeking financing. My credit score is decent, but not as great as I'd like it to be due to that conflict with Volkswagen Credit, and that one late Home Depot payment. It's all a work in progress though, and since I am one that HATES to pay interest, I want to be sure everything is back to normal so I can qualify for the best rate possible. 6 months ago I was well over a 700, and making my way to the 750 mark. I had set the previous goal to make it to 750 before I bought a new home. Since then I had the conflict with VW not taking out my automatic draft, which is now solved, and the late credit card payment, which was my fault. Therefore I'm still analyzing my best decision.

I recently accepted a new position at the State. It's in the Food and Nutrition department, which will be totally different from what I've always done. It is a higher manager's position on the career ladder though, and a good salary increase, which leads me to believe that it will be a good move for me personally and professionally in the long run. I love my current position, but I consulted my director who informed me that it's in my best interest in my long term career goals and I shouldn't pass up an opportunity for advancement. This position is almost like an Assistant Director of the department, since I will be right under the director. I'll have some direct reports, but am still learning the structure a department in Support Services. I'm just going to go in with open eyes, ears and mind, and learn as much as I can to benefit the department. As I continue to complete my MBA, I will have the work experience to help me in the future move further up so I will be prepared and qualified when an actual director's position comes open. I'm scheduled to begin my new position after the facility has it's annual survey which will be sometimes this month.
The more I look at it, the more excited I get. The people I'll be working beside in the Food and Nutrition dept are AWESOME and I'll have less stress at work, which will allow me to have more of a life outside work, and able to work on some personal plans that I have for my life. This is awesome.

It's awesome how I just have faith to let things work out right, and life just gets better. I practice using the Law Of Attraction, and keep an optimistic attitude and have faith that what I want will occur. I count my blessings daily and let the negative things pass me by. Since I've been doing this, I still get the occasional feelings of frustration, but they are temporary, and before too long I have a better plan and am fired up for life again.

Besides that, there's not been much going on. Life is fast paced and I love it. I'm still working on weight loss, and have gotten from 194 to 174 and still striving for the long term goal of 160lbs. I'm about to start running again and cutting more calories out. I'm in the transition of adopting a healthier lifestyle and hopefully can get what is ideal for me and my body. Right now I'm just not eating as much, staying active and living off coffee and water mostly.

I'm definitely going to start posting more again, but I've just been reserved since I've learned that there are some "haters" that enjoy "stalking" my facebook, blog, myspace and whatever else to get incriminating information to use against me. I'm not letting it bother me though, just watching out for myself. As anyone with some sense knows, everything I post is just opinion or idea, and shouldn't be taken seriously. I'm honestly flattered that people think I'm important enough to spend that much of their time with me on their mind. I'm smart enough to let Karma do the work for me, so the only advice I can give is to keep trying, but I know I'll always come out on top.

I hope everyone has a great month of May. I'm looking forward to enjoying it, as well as life in general.

I'll try to keep everyone posted on going-ons.

xoxo
kcs

Easter Sunday Post

So it's Easter Sunday, I'm at my parents' playing online while my laundry is washing for the week (my washing machine is still broked) and my dad is cooking food that I will be expected to eat.

The last time I blogged was about a week ago, and you'd be surprised how much can change in a fella's life over a week's time. Work has actually been hell on earth and I'm beginning to understand why after I read an e-mail about me from a superior that I wasn't supposed to know about. That changed the outlook on everything. I am still absolutely loving my job, staff and clients, and won't just lie down and give up because I'm not the most popular manager with some professionals. Though it hurts my feelings that I'm given a hard time because someone doesn't like me personally, it makes me feel better b/c I know now that I am doing well, and all the negativity isn't coming from my performance, but my personality. I know I'm a "know it all," but it was required when I was a Campus Coordinator, and now as a Home Manager to display confidence. I use what I've learned and strive to learn more. I'm beginning to feel that someone may be threatened just because I'm younger, more modern, and more qualified than they are, and people stuck in the "old school" state of mind may not like me because I'm full of fire to do well professionally and to help the people I serve instead of just maintaining it through the work week to get a check. I've got a big ego, but I am also very self conscious but tend to keep it hidden because I've learned that doubting yourself makes you appear weak and you don't want to appear weak in the world of management. I've gotten several compliments from important people around campus including my Unit Director and the Assistant Director of Programs, which are the opinions that really matter. This one superior may try to make it rough on me and want me to leave, but that person doesn't realize that I'm not afraid, I know my job and when I do leave it'll only be to move up. I've got that competitive professional state of mind & I know the system I'm in, so I just smile, continue to perform and exceed the expectations and prepare to make my career better!

There's also a position coming open that I've coveted for years that I will hopefully be able to apply for and interview for soon. I had one interview the week before last for a new position on campus that would've been a lateral move, but it was offered to one of my previous supervisors on campus who is awesome at everything MSSLC related. She was the one that taught me everything I know, so honestly there was no competition with her about the job, and it was an honor being offered an interview. I know she's going to do awesome and set the standard high for that job! Now that previous supervisor's position is vacant, and if I get the opportunity to interview for that I will be ecstatic! I know I could do the job, but I am young, and though legally that's not supposed to hinder me, it has in the past and I believe it still does to an extent. I've gotten some great experience out there and have been the youngest Campus Coordinator ever, youngest PNM Monitor ever, as well as the youngest Home Manager on campus and to date in all three positions. Maybe my trend will continue in the future. I've definitely got to get back in school to finish degrees, get life (personal and professional) organized and work my behind off to set a professional reputation about myself that will follow and lead me throughout my career. I'm learning that the business world, wherever you're at, is cut-throat and people will do whatever it takes to move ahead. As I posted in the "Betrayal" blog, trust is hard to come by and in the business world its almost non-existent. I'm fortunate to have a couple of people at my facility I trust and that's about it. My previous supervisor mentioned earlier is a wonderful mentor and is super about giving me suggestions regarding performance that will improve my professional standing over time. There are also a few friends that work in different departments that are true friends that I love to death and will do anything for.

I've also started taking the smoking cessation drug Chantix, and today is day 5. I've noticed a little change, mostly over the past day or so. My doctor pretty much told me to quit smoking or die early, so I went ahead and paid the $130 for a month's supply and am going to give it a shot. The drug itself isn't terrible, side effects wise. Many people say they had vivid dreams or were depressed, but the only effect I've noticed is that I'm sick to my stomach for about an hour after I take the pill. I have a horrible stomach ache, but the urges to smoke haven't really decreased. I may have noticed a bit of decrease in urge today, but generally I smoke more when I'm doing nothing, which is what I've done all weekend lol, so tomorrow when I'm at work, maybe I'll see a difference since I will probably be busy all day. I'm still "iffy" about actually wanting to quit my favorite vice, but the health aspect, as well as the money saved every month seems to present a pretty good argument about quitting.

I'm also still on the Adderall, which is helping with the weight loss project. Presently I've lost almost 20lbs, which I attribute to eating less and moving around more. I've pretty much cut back to one wholesome meal daily and drinking tea and water, and the very rare Dr. Pepper. I'm down to about 175lbs so if I can at least get another 15lbs off and then gain 5-10 back in muscle/toning I think I'll be in pretty good shape looks-wise.

Since my face has slimmed down some and I have cut my hair super short, I must be looking younger. I'm almost 25 years old and have gotten carded for cigarettes more in the past 2 weeks than I did the past 2 years before. When the woman carded me last night, it actually frustrated me enough that I pointed out the lines and wrinkles in my forehead to show her my age. I definitely don't want to look like an old man, but as I mentioned in the earlier paragraph my age has hindered my advancement at work in the past, and the last thing I want to do is look like a high school student. My ideal "look" is one of a slim, attractive, stylish, 20-something doing what he has to do to make it in the world. I'm still working on that balance.

My love life is so non existent and I love that! As I'm trying to structure and improve my life the last thing I need is to have someone that I have to keep up with and have keep up with me. I'm definitely "crushing" or something, and have several potential interests for some casual dating, but I'm not in the market for anything serious at all. I have found out about love recently and have discovered that people fall in love with others that they don't even plan on falling for. This can be any type of love; paternal, fraternal, friend-wise, romance, or any bond. I've realized that there are so many people in my life that I actually LOVE because if they were to be taken from my life I would be devastated. Love is so unconventional and is the weirdest emotion I've ever encountered. I plan on writing more extensively on this topic just to see what I can discover in the future.

I'm still house shopping, but my aunt may end up selling her house to move to town & I love her current house and would love to buy it. She's lived there as long as I've been alive, so it's almost like another home to me and I would feel so comfortable there Its also in the locale that I've been pursuing outside Mexia. The one house I had my eye on out there finally sold, so this is something I'm really hoping happens. Price wise I can afford what the house is worth, and I'm hoping I can find qualification for financing. It's been over a month since Volkswagen screwed up my automatic draft and my credit score, and my Home Depot credit card is also current, but I don't know if the darn score has gotten back up to where it was (over 700). If this house specifically comes up for sale I will do whatever possible to find financing though. I've still got to sell that darn mobile home, but I've been doing some cosmetic upgrades to neutralize themes and make it look better and still have to get the tax info that the previous owners didn't pay to be able to get the title and re-sell. That is frustrating. I've had several interested people inquire about the house, but am unable to sell until I get the title. It's kind of like being stuck currently because I have to sell this one to be able to afford a new house, but if I sell this one before I get a new house I will be homeless, and do not plan on moving back in with my parents lol. I just have to have faith that it'll work out.

So basically that's all that's going on in my world right now (at least all I want to discuss). I am speeding through day to day activities and loving how everything is working out, though there's so much transition going on. Some friends invited me to come over tonight to watch the Baylor game, but I have to work early tomorrow and will probably turn in early tonight to get plenty of rest.

Look out in the future for that love post that I'm researching, and if there are any other topics you recommend, let me know! Hope you all have a wonderful Easter!
xoxoxo
kcs

New Week

So it's Monday...

All I can think to say is "Thank Goodness I get my Adderall refilled today!" Chocolate, it seems, doesn't quite give the same effect.

Besides that, life is awesome. I got so much rest this past weekend, and also got some other things done that needed to be addressed. Spring is in the air, and I'm expecting any minute to be hit with Spring Fever. In fact it may be starting already since I really don't want to be at work today. Maybe I'm just a little burned out from last week, but the thought of coming in to work this morning was enough to make me dive under the covers and hide from the world :o)

I definitely still have some issues to deal with, but right now I'm just letting them sit back and simmer. Patience has always been my weakest virtue, and it always bothers me when things don't happen my way, right away. I'm still feeling out some people, and working on improving things so that when they do happen, they happen the right way.

I am still only 24 years old, and sometimes I wonder if I'm trying to rush things, but I am finally realizing that unless they aren't in immediate need of addressing, I should chill out. How do I know that what I want is for the best for all parties involved? It's crazy that I get a godlike complex about things sometimes, when actually fate moves everything in the opposite direction and the results that I want are totally against the grain. Guess that's just a part of living and learning.

As I mentioned in my earlier blog, trust will always be betrayed, but if you can only trust yourself and not put your heart out there to be broken, it saves you a lot in the long run. I'm not god-like, and I can't control what others feel and think, so I shouldn't assume or try. Some people I love more than life itself, but I need to realize that it's not always returned. A person cannot help what they were born to feel, so I need to chill the hell out and focus on doing me, regardless of how it hurts.

It seems that once I become involved in something, I put my everything into it. This is a personal flaw. I think it stems from the idea that I must have relevance in life and "leave my mark" of being responsible for something turning out improved. Though I do realize that my relevance is irrelevant to everyone else, something in my brain cannot comprehend that, so I'm constantly involved with something, that more than likely won't turn out right, leaving me with a sense of failure. That was definitely the problem last week, and it took several hours of sleep and rest to decide that my involvement with some things probably increased the problem, just because I refused to back off, let my feelings overpower and force things that probably aren't meant to occur.

I've decided to take a different approach though. In the future I will try to observe, decide in my mind what outcome I want, and see if fate has the same outcome. I'm beginning to take some things too personally and at the rate its going, I want to take the world personally, which would probably end up in a premature death of my soul.

While writing this, I wasn't even sure what my discussion point was going to be. I know that I'm still a bit sore regarding events of last week, and now that I'm rested and medicated correctly, I can finally see what's going on, and even though my desires haven't changed, I need to look at the way I view them. I am a fighter and if the direct attack doesn't seem to work, maybe it's time to invoke the stealth, surprise attack. The important thing is to remember to keep playing the game, regardless of what strategies aren't effective.

Ke$sha- Wow, meet me in the back with the Jack at the Jukebox.

So I finally bought the Ke$ha album. Honestly I was surprised. I loved her "Tik-Tok" song, but didn't think there was anything spectacular about her. It was a fun song, got me "crunked up" but that was it.

Well since she released the Blah Blah song I went ahead and bought the whole album. It was only 9 bucks, so I figured that at least it would pump me up when I needed it.

I LOVE it! I don't think there's a song on the album that I don't like. Even though the majority of the songs are shallow and fun, the lyrics are actually raw and relateable. Some of the songs are something that I personally could say to people or experience on any given day.

It's true that she doesn't have the best voice and there is much auto tune on the album, but she can carry a tune and keep me entertained, which is what I look for in an artist.

Some of the best songs on the album are "Kiss and Tell," "Stephan" and "Your Love is My Drug." There are certain lyrics and phrases that people can and do say in everyday life. While some popular artists sing about lifestyles of their famous and wealthy life, Ke$ha sings about 20-something, common folks lives and the crazy things that real people experience. As I was driving home listening to the cd yesterday, I was put in the best mood I've been in through the past 2 weeks probably.

Some of the best lyrics are: "You're looking like a tool not a baller. You're acting like a chick, why bother? I can find someone way hotter with a bigger d---. wow... well." From "Kiss and Tell," a song about a cheater.

Or even, "I saw you in your tight ass rocker pants. You saw me too I laughed 'Cause I was completely trashed. And I watched your Ugly girlfriend sneer across the room. As if I really care that she's here with you. All I know is... Your my object of affection. My drug of choice. My sick obsession..." From "Stephen," A song about someone you like that doesn't like you back. (Something I know very well)

Then, "My friends think I've gone crazy. My judgments getting kinda hazy. My esteem is gonna be affected. If I keep it up like a lovesick crackhead. What you got boy is hard to find, I think about it all the time, I'm all strung out, my heart is fried. I just can't get you off my mind. Hey, so I gotta question. Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement? Do I make your heart beat like an 808 drum? Is my love with your drug? Your love is my drug." From "Your Love is My Drug," A song about having a crush, something everyone has gone through.

Plus her voice, the way she talks/raps through some of her songs is great. She has that addictive voice, its kind of sexy actually. I find myself walking around, singing these lyrics, and then randomly saying them to people, just out of no-where.

This is definitely an album I recommend. Though the majority of the songs are about partying, loving, or other young people things, it's definitely an album that will pump you up and make you feel carefree and young.

I definitely look forward to her future work.

"Meet in the back with the Jack at the jukebox..."

Stephen

Stephen
Stephen
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
Why won't you call me?

I saw you
In your tight ass rocker pants
You saw me too
I laughed
'Cause I was completely trashed
And I watched your
Ugly girlfriend
Sneer across the room
As if I really care
That she's here with you
All I know is...

Your my object of affection
My drug of choice
My sick obsession

Stephen
Why won't you call me?
I'm sitting here waiting
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
I'm feeling pathetic
I can't take rejection
Why won't you call me?

I've got guys
Waiting in a line
For me too play
My evil girly games
With all their minds
Just watch me
Got it down
To a simple art
Just bat my Eyes
Like this
And there's a broken heart
But somehow...

You turn the tables
What the hell
I can charm the pants of anyone else
But you

Stephen
Why won't you call me?
I'm sitting here waiting
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
I'm feeling pathetic
I can't take rejection
Why won't you call me?

Stephen
I'm thinking' that
Maybe
You might think I'm
Crazy
Is that why you won't
Call me
Steve
Don't you think I'm
Pretty
Do you not
Love me
Is that why you won't call me?

'Cause your my object of affection
My drug of choice
My sick obsession
I want to keep you as my pet to play with
And hide under my bed forever

Stephen
Why won't you call me?
I'm sitting here waiting
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
I'm feeling pathetic
I can't take rejection
Why won't you call me?

Stephen
I'll knit you a sweater
I want to wrap you up in my love
Forever
I will never let you go Stephen
I'll never let go

Stephen
Why won't you call me?
I'm sitting here waiting
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
I'm feeling pathetic
I can't take rejection
Why won't you call me?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6LGYsGZ_FM

Trust and Betrayal

Betrayal, its everywhere. I'm beginning to think betrayal is one of humanity's most dominant traits. I'm no stranger to betrayal, on either side, but for some reason it always bothers me and more than usual lately.

This has been an extremely long week, mentally and physically. In addition to working 14-18 hours daily, I have been going through medication withdrawals, personal issues and thousands of other pains in the rear. I am suffering from a major lack of serotonin, and sleep deprivation on top of it just makes things more complicated.

While I still have millions of blessings I count on a daily basis, for some reason, the small things are bothering me, trust topping the list. My personality makes me a very trusting person. Though I cannot count the times I have been burned, I cannot seem to learn. The past month I have been betrayed so many times, in so many ways, yet I still let it get to me. You think you have a bond with someone, a connection. Whether this bond is by blood, love, companionship or even the fact that the 2 people have no-one else to bond with, it is never strong enough I've learned.

As I sit here wondering why, I begin to realize that it probably actually is human nature. The strongest urge a human has is to survive. It doesn't matter how you are connected to the person, whether friend, child, parent, lover, or any of that, your survival is ultimately what's most important. Though a person may deny this, say they will die for their loved ones, deep down inside the person is experiencing the urge to survive, despite what the conscious mind is saying.

Lets look at a common wild rabbit for instance. It has a nest of 3 babies. One day a snake comes into the nest to consume the baby rabbits. The parent will continuously try to save its offspring. It will do anything to distract the snake, to lead it out of the nest or whatever. If the snake doesn't go for the bait, eventually the rabbit will give up and save itself before it's eaten as well. The rabbit will NOT lay over it's babies and force the snake to eat it instead. Therefore the rabbit is betraying his offspring. He will make a conscious effort to save them, but when the going gets tough, the rabbit will give up to save himself and have another litter of babies the next mating season. Humans are a bit smarter than a common rabbit, but that survival urge is still inside. The conscious of a human being is strong enough to disguise the subconscious urge to survive. The parent will usually save the kid before himself, but he's got the IQ allowed to do this. If humans were on the same level as an animal, it would be very different.

I know that occasionally the subconscious urge will burst out and overwhelm. Imagine a person who cant swim being thrown in a deep pool. The urge to survive comes out enough that the person will struggle to breathe, and even grasp another person, forcing them underwater just to stay alive. Look back at huge tragedies that have occurred in history, there are so many instances of people fighting for themselves and betraying their fellow man, leaving him to whatever the consequences were, whether freezing on the Titanic, starving in the Great Depression or even in the fictional tragedies we read about and see on television.

How, you wonder, does this equate to betrayal of trust? It appears that people have the tendency to develop trusts just as fast as they break them. I don't know where this comes from though. Maybe its the desire to feel relevant? The age old question of "why was I created" plagues everyone at some time or another. Maybe it's the need for some sort of companionship? To know that you are not alone? I don't know, and all I do know is what I've experienced myself, and I don't even know the reasons for that.

Personally I develop trusts and bonds easily, and feel horrible when the other person violates that bond/trust. This has happened to me (and I'm guessing everyone else) millions of times. It's not always romantic, friendship or even being co-workers, but it still effects me negatively every time I am betrayed.

Some betrayals aren't even on purpose. You can't force someone to feel a certain way, and sometimes a person is guilty of reading too deep into a bond, and not realizing until that betrayal has surfaced and the person feels like a total loser. A person can't be forced to love someone else, though they still may like the person, but not have the exact mutual feelings.

The unintentional betrayal is horrible, but it compares nothing to the deliberate betrayal. Having someone manipulate you, use you and then hurt you without caring is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. A person devotes so much time, thought, energy into a bond with someone who they think can trust, and then they find out that it isn't mutual, they were used for affection, information, money, status or anything else, except for themselves and what's inside.

Betrayal is so common in the world, I wonder how there are any people left practicing humanity. You would think with the good Karma they submit, they wouldn't have to suffer so much, but from what I've observed, Karma doesn't care about all that.

I guess what I'm rambling about is just frustration. I tend to be a tender soul and it just breaks what heart I have left to see good people get hurt. I know what it feels to give your all to someone to improve their life and only get heartache in return, and people that's been practicing humanity their whole lives just shrug it off and go on to the next one and though you know they're hurting, they still give 100%. Those are people I admire and respect.

You can't force a person to feel or act a certain way, but you should just expect them to stop you before you invest your interest and heart in them. Personally I never am one to lead people on. There have been several great people that had an interest in me or my best interest, and I can't bear to lead them on, so I generally express my appreciation and send them on their way. Cruelness is not cute, but so many people out there tend to think it puts them above the rest.

Stressed Out

Uggh Stress.

The word that makes all of us cringe. What is it about it? Is it a natural human emotion, like anger, sadness, etc? What is it that makes us "stressed out?" We get the headache, the turning stomach or other symptoms. We become short tempered, forgetful and our tolerance levels hit rock bottom. Why do we "go crazy" when we become stressed?

I've learned a lot about stress in my latest years. From high school until the present, I've had all kinds of things stress me out. I'm a person that tends to stress easily. If something doesn't go the right way, it stays on my mind until its finally the only thing I am thinking and worrying about. Multiply that by 10 or more things, and you begin to wonder how a person can handle it.

I am a young, single, somewhat attractive male. I have no kids, a job, and a few bills I address every month. What, do you ask, do I have to stress about?

It is literally crazy. I am the type of person to stress about anything and everything. I handle stress so poorly that I take a daily medication to help me handle it better. If I see a piece of lint on someone's clothes, I will stress about that lint and let it consume my day if I don't stop myself. Imagine how I get when something serious happens...

This week has brought out the stress! Besides not having my meds refilled, I am required to work 6am-8 or 9pm every night this week due to monitors on campus. I am worried sick that something will be wrong with the home I manage, and I will lose my job, or worse, get publicly embarrassed. I'm still concerned about one of the individuals I provide services for, as well as the other guys on the home. I'm overworked and tired, not getting enough sleep at night, which heightens my stress level.
Besides that my personal life also sucks and I am still stressing over buying a house. Once I buy the right house, then I have a bunch of other things planned, but cannot fulfill them until I buy the house, which I wont be able to do until I get some other things done. *sigh*

So why, I wonder, does a person stress. At the time I am healthy, financially stable, I have a car, a place to live, food to eat, and even go out to have fun sometimes. Honestly my life rocks. Is there some little "stress monster" that lives in a human being to make him act wacko? Are these stress monsters bigger in some people than others? What is the deal? Maybe its just human nature to stress. Maybe it hidden fear that one may lose everything. Maybe I just have the primal need to feel relevance. Its so confusing and any medical resource I consult doesn't really give a reason that stress exists, only what it is and what causes it.

So, until I find a reasonable, effective coping mechanism, I am simply stuck as a stresser. I am constantly learning and growing every day, so maybe this way to cope will develop as I grow older. Sometimes I stress that it wont, and one day I'll officially lose my mind, but I can't be sure and that stresses me out.

For the time being I am just going to advise you not to stress. This may be impossible, but don't let the possibility stress you out.

Just a catch up

Ugggh Its Tuesday. The Court Monitors will be at MSSLC all week, and I am stressed to the point of no return. Usually I don't stress out when we have monitors on campus, but this is the first time they've been here since I've been a supervisor responsible for staff, which makes a big difference. I am looking forward to Friday when the monitors do their exits and we find out whether we're doing good or bad.
I'm also worried about one of the guys that reside on my home at work. I do my best to try not to show preferential treatment, but when you work with people 12-16 hours a day or 70+ hours a week they become like a member of your family, especially when you spend more time with them than with your actual family. You develop bonds, and honestly have the need to assure they're healthy and happy, at least I do. I love my job, but sometimes I'm afraid I take my present position too personally. I've been informed of a couple of positions on campus that may benefit me in the future, but am just taking opportunities as they come. That would free up some time to pursue some other personal interests. Oh well though, its just something else to process.
Besides that, life is going great. I have lost even more weight, and am down to 175, which is like 20lbs lighter than I was 3 weeks ago. I love my Adderall. My Dr better have my prescription ready today. I am still a cigarette, coffee and sometimes vodka addict. Those are my main vices, and they are in the process of being phased out. I definitely am feeling better due to the better meds and healthier lifestyle. I am only eating once a day and am usually in bed by 8:30 or 9:00pm and wake up at 4:30am every morning to come into work. This has balanced me out mentally, as well as filling up my bank account which I love. I am still in the process of house shopping and have another plan or two for the future, which will take care of several issues at once. So excited.
So besides that, there really isn't anything to blog about. My life is devoted to my work and that is what is taking up most of my time right now. I'm curious to see how everything turns out when the court monitors leave and what changes MSSLC will have to make.

10 things about SEX

Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is
sexually active or not?
..
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when men make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
..
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
..
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
..
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than
swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
..
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you
with a feeling of well-being.
..
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.
These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
..
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
..
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
..
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
..
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Snakes on a... sink? (A repost)

Per some requests I received, here is a repost of a blog I wrote a few years ago about an incident I had one Memorial Day in the past. It was a very traumatic experience, but since so many found humor in it, I decided to repost it.
Enjoy
kcs
xox

Snakes on a... sink?

Thursday, May 28, 2008

So, this is a story of something that happened to me on Memorial Day. Since I have no kind of life whatsoever, I decided to stay at the house all day to celebrate the holiday and just "chill-ax." Well I took an early nap that lasted until about 3:00pm. When I awoke, I had the strangest urge for a blizzard from the Dairy Queen, so I got dressed (in some scanty atheletic clothes) and grabbed the car keys and got ready to head to town.
As I was walking towards the front door, I saw something move in front of the door to the laundry room. Upon closer inspection, I found that it was a 6 foot long chicken snake!!!! Now I, like everyone else in Texas, know that a chicken snake is not venemous at all, they are just super mean and aggressive, but after being bitten by a copperhead a few months ago, I have a terrible fear of all kinds of snakes.
Well the snake saw me about the same time I saw him. He jumped into a tight coil and began hissing with his mouth wide open, and shaking his tail like a rattle snake. I was still kind of shocked about seeing a snake IN the house, however I soon came to my senses, screamed like a little bitch and grabbed a golf club that was being stored in the broom closet for some reason and commensed to swinging!
Out of all the swinging I was doing with the golf club I finally made contact with the big mo'fo's head. When the club hit him, he went crazy and began lunging towards me, causing me to scream like a little bitch again, and run towards the living room to hide, since he was blocking the front door.
After chasing me about 5 feet, he made a turn and headed towards the bathroom, where he went and actually climbed on top of the sink and tried to climb up the wall. By then I was kind of feeling sorry for him, and about hitting him. I figured he was scared because he got in the house accidentally and did not want to tangle with me. (It turns out the dryer hose that vents outside had come loose, which is how he got in. He was probably just looking for a cool spot and thought that he was going in a hole or something.)
Anyways, I decided I was just going to try to get him out of the bathroom and get him outside where he could eat some bees or something. When I peeked in the bathroom door, he was up on the sink, actually standing with about a foot of his body standing vertical. When he saw me, he automatically began hissing at me and as I shut the door, the little monster lunged at me, flying across the bathroom and luckilly I closed the door and he made contact with it, instead of me.
Well after that, any sorryness I was feeling for that bitch died right then and there. I ran to the kitchen, threw open the cabinet under the sink and began to look for something to give that bastard a long suffering death with. What I ended up with was a half-full can of oven cleaner spray, which I guessed would have to do. I ran back to the bathroom and was ready for him!
When I opened the door, I saw that he had moved from the sink to the toilet, which lucky for me, was out of his jumping range. I guess he realized he was too far away to jump too, because when he saw me, he stood up again, but instead of jumping, he was just hissing and striking.
I made my move. As soon as he opened his mouth I gave him a good dose of oven cleaner. After emptying the can into his mouth, I watched and waited... Unfortunately there was no difference besides him getting madder. I knew this attempt was fruitless and I needed to get stronger poison.
After I securely locked him in the bathroom, and barricaded the door, I jumped into my car and headed to town. I pulled up to the dollar store and bought $10 work of all kinds of pest "bombs" and "foggers." I then headed back home (after a detour throught the Dairy Queen, where I ordered a LARGE Reeses Blizzard b/c I was stressed.)
After I got back home, I acted like an assassin and threw 6 pest bombs in the bathroom (the directions said I only needed 1, but I wanted to be sure.) While I was murdering the snake, I went into my bedroom and ate my ice cream and checked my e-mail.
After about 45 minutes, I went to check my victim... That heinous bitch was still alive and looked like he was setting the bathroom up as his own personal bedroom, moving things around. I could only observe him for about a minute because the fumes from the pesticide were making me dizzy.
I decided that this fight had to end. It was starting to get dark outside by then and I knew I had to get rid of the little pest in the bathroom. I went outside and got a shovel...
To skip all the gore, after a 15 minute fight, I emerged bleeding with a dead snake draped over the end of the shovel. My knuckle had gotten scraped up pretty bad, but I was alive and he was dead. The snake barely had a head left... I walked outside and hung him on the fence, it rained the next day...

It's just one of those days

Its one of those days where I want to just lay around and forget about the world. The last 3 weeks of work have been hell, and though I love my job and my facility, a superior is super stressed and I get to be the one that it is taken out on. I have been working my ass off, coming in at 5:30am every day and not leaving until 7 or 8pm. I have gotten several compliments on my performance, the home I manage as well as the positive changes I have made. Somehow though, I'm the "whipping boy." I am told that my home is the worst and my staff are the worst. This has led me to believe that obviously, I must be the worst manager. I've been in my position for 4 months now. I'm the only male, I'm the only one who was not an original "shift supervisor," and my home is the largest on campus, with the most diverse group of individuals. I don't believe its the worst, but I do believe that this superior has something against my home, and not necessarily me in general.



Usually I let this kind of stuff go right over me. I guess I'm just tired or frustrated or a combo of both from listening to the nagging about how terrible my home is and how its MY fault. Anyway after the countless hours I've spent training, teaching and disciplining these children they send me as staff, I have finally reached a breaking point.

Continued 03/19/10
My morning shift is so awesome! They are on the ball and do everything they're supposed to most of the time. My night shift is "so-so." They need some extra work, but aren't terrible. My evening shift though; that's where the problems are. I've done correcting, tracking and many things to get them in shape, yet they still slack. As a manager I only ask my staff to give me 8 hours of their day, 5 days a week. On this 8 hours I expect them to work. When they accepted the job and salary, they accepted the duties in the job description. Its that simple. I have finally reached the point where there's zero tolerance. No more reminding, no more second chances. They know what they're supposed to do, and know they're expected to do it. They go through 2 weeks paid training to learn the policy and procedure of the facility, and then are mentored for 3 days to learn their specific home and unit. It's like there's no professionalism anymore. If 5 or 6 of them have go for the rest of them to learn, so be it. I care about my job and career, and I refuse to let employees only out for a paycheck ruin my future and label me as a bad manager. Simple.


I had a meeting yesterday with my supervisor regarding these issues, and I think she finally understands that I am busting my ass trying to be the best. She gave me advice and hopefully now understands that I am on top of things. I informed her that if the only way I can be effective is to be a jack ass, so be it. I'm a new, young manager so sometimes they may try to get by me. I've just got to prove that I'm on top of things and not playing around. I'm ready to make some improvements, and they better get with it or get gone.

Life and Changes. Who am I?

So, its been a few weeks since my last post...



When I last posted, I had just gotten out of the hospital with a collapsed lung and surgery on my tailbone. I was resting up, making plans and making changes.



I started to realize that I was becoming one of those people that I pitied. One of those routine, predictable people that, according to me, had no life.



I decided to begin living on the edge of life, partying every week(end) and taking risks and not giving a damn. I was driving 200 miles to Austin for the atmosphere and company, then hitting up Waco and Dallas when I partied locally. I said "screw Mexia and any town where the bars close at midnight!" My life was a blur. I began job searching in south Texas. I wanted to get away from everything dull and drab and be someone new. I realized in November I will be in my official "mid-twenties" and thirty gets closer every day. I was losing my sanity, I hit the highway of life and was heading head on, 120kmh in the wrong lane.



Before I knew it, I couldn't keep up with myself. I was beginning to become one of the people I envisioned as fabulous and that I envied. One of those people that didn't think life was worth living unless you were living in the fire. I barely recognized myself. I was changing. I was losing Chase. I realized that it was an awesome lifestyle, one I enjoyed. I also realized that it was one that I couldn't live forever. I realized that eventually I was going to be running 120kmh in the wrong lane, and end up crashing and burning.



I began to understand that I love the city of Austin, but if I moved there it may lose its magic to me. I realized that I was comfortable in Mexia. It wasn't my most favorite place to be, but I have a car, and when I get ready I can drive anywhere I want to. I can keep Austin magical [or weird] and visit whenever, and still be fresh to that awesome city that I've fallen in love with.



I began to realize that I love my facility and job. That I could have a life here. It may be harder to accomplish, but I could make it grand and "rockstar-ish." Also, maybe I would be ok with that.



Finally I began to focus on the now. I realize I've always been "different" than my peers, that I was interested in different things. I'm not interested in finding the love of my life, having kids and a house in the cul-de-sac. My focus was different. I have drive and ambition to succeed. I want a career! I want to get back in school! I want to change people's lives for the good!



Suddenly I threw myself head first into life. I drew out what I had, what I wanted and what I needed. I began working more overtime. Though it meant that I had to party less, I soon realized that my budget, checking account and performance at work were all increasing. I began house shopping, taking care of personal business and actually practicing humanity. My doctor had prescribed better medication to focus on my serotonin deficiency and ADD. I found out that (with Adderall) I could focus, accomplish things and get ahead in my projects. I began to finish personal projects that I started last year. I began to lose weight from keeping busy and the lack of appetite the Adderall initiated. 15 lbs lighter, I now feel better about my looks, my finances, my projects and my job.



I began working with my guys that live on my home at work. One gentleman in particular I've gotten to know and developed a somewhat paternal/fraternal bond with and hopefully am positively changing his life, which is making me want to help improve so many more lives.
I read up on this guy and then got to know him personally. He is now one of my favorite people in the world. If I, Mr. "Never be a parent," were to have paternal feelings, I would understand what it feels like now. I began to understand that many people didn't have the best of life growing up, but I could help him and others I encounter in life have the best of the rest of their lives. Every human deserves to be acknowledged, happy and cared for. I've developed a stronger sense of empathy, and once I put myself in another's place, I realize how good I've got it (or had it or will have it) and that everyone deserves that. Life is meant to be abundant with love and happiness. Just because someone has a disability, shady history or is different from you, they still feel. As people, I have found its important to share good feelings, and let people know that they have someone "in their corner" and that you "have their back." Who knows, you may give them a compliment that is the first one they've gotten in years. Even someone you meet on the street, work with, or work for. Maybe the clerk in the store, your neighbor or your insurance agent. Humanity is something that all humans have in common. I've learned this, just by doing my job.


I realize that helping improve lives is the field of work that I belong in, and though I'll never be a millionaire, I'll finally have that sense of completion that I didn't have before. What I'm doing with my life is worth something and will improve the quality of someone else's life which makes me feel that I've done something worth living for. It's made me interested in pursuing a MS in Social Work as well, which I never cared for before. Its funny that I took this position for the money, the experience and the recognition of being a good employee, and have ended up so engrossed in my work (not just job) that I could care less about those previous things.



My life has totally turned around. Though that bit of "spicy" Chase is still here, it's not overwhelming and I am finding a balance between wild and boring. I still party and have fun, but I have developed a purpose to living. Its mystifying to learn more as I travel into adulthood.


This topic wasn't even what I meant to write about, but I guess it's what was on my mind. I have the need to share empathy with others, and I try to improve someones life because everyone deserves happiness. No-one was born to suffer.