Uggh. Feeling Blah-ish.
Rejection is not cool.
"It's not you, it's me."
They say, patience is a virtue. I think it's more like a torture.
Almost time to go home!
I miss you.
Just a blow to my ego is all.
I almost had you convinced
but almost doesn't count.
I imagine I'll be fine.
Gotta go home to bake anyways.
My corazon is still yours.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Showing posts with label Random. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Random. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Another day in paradise
Can this month get any longer?
Seriously I am beginning to feel that July is taking forever to pass. Besides not being a fan of Summer, I also am in a semester of classes I'm not enjoying. Attempting to budget my new salary with a new house payment that I'm hopefully going to have, as well as taking care of some legal issues that I decided to take on for moral and personal reasons. As we are still a little under a week away from the next month, I feel as if I'm stuck in summer-limbo! I've always been a fan of Autumn and Winter, and I look at the cold weather as an opportunity to dress cuter, eat more and get advantageous cuddling time (if I ever get anyone to cuddle with). In July though, I'm dealing with excess sweating, which makes my face break out and a grumpier attitude since I am already hot natured and too much heat makes me cranky. lol.
Life is, of course, grand though. I am enjoying my job, though I still havent quite acclimated to the slower pace. I miss my old job, but doubt I would go back to it if I had the chance. I just look at it as a past chapter that gave good experience and influenced my life in the [positive] way it's going. It seems things are finally working out for me. I've gotten the larger salary, and think I've actually found a house that I'll be able to afford. It is a "fixer upper" but not a totally hopeless one. It has the potential to double in value if I do what I plan on doing, which won't cost double to do. It's also outside the city limits, in a quiet area close to Mexia and about 5 minutes away from my job, which will definitely save gas $ and mileage on the car. It's also a 3 bed/ 2 bath which is what I was looking for. Even though it's just me now, it might not always be, and I have the extra room in case I do ever have someone else living there. As I mentioned, it's only in the process, but I'm just going to keep a positive outlook, because right now it's the only outlook I have :o)
Besides that, it's all the same ol routine. I keep it positive and plan on it working out perfectly.
Seriously I am beginning to feel that July is taking forever to pass. Besides not being a fan of Summer, I also am in a semester of classes I'm not enjoying. Attempting to budget my new salary with a new house payment that I'm hopefully going to have, as well as taking care of some legal issues that I decided to take on for moral and personal reasons. As we are still a little under a week away from the next month, I feel as if I'm stuck in summer-limbo! I've always been a fan of Autumn and Winter, and I look at the cold weather as an opportunity to dress cuter, eat more and get advantageous cuddling time (if I ever get anyone to cuddle with). In July though, I'm dealing with excess sweating, which makes my face break out and a grumpier attitude since I am already hot natured and too much heat makes me cranky. lol.
Life is, of course, grand though. I am enjoying my job, though I still havent quite acclimated to the slower pace. I miss my old job, but doubt I would go back to it if I had the chance. I just look at it as a past chapter that gave good experience and influenced my life in the [positive] way it's going. It seems things are finally working out for me. I've gotten the larger salary, and think I've actually found a house that I'll be able to afford. It is a "fixer upper" but not a totally hopeless one. It has the potential to double in value if I do what I plan on doing, which won't cost double to do. It's also outside the city limits, in a quiet area close to Mexia and about 5 minutes away from my job, which will definitely save gas $ and mileage on the car. It's also a 3 bed/ 2 bath which is what I was looking for. Even though it's just me now, it might not always be, and I have the extra room in case I do ever have someone else living there. As I mentioned, it's only in the process, but I'm just going to keep a positive outlook, because right now it's the only outlook I have :o)
Besides that, it's all the same ol routine. I keep it positive and plan on it working out perfectly.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Whatever Post
Wow. I can't believe I haven't posted anything since May 2nd. Just shows how busy I've been.
Anyways, I'm doing laundry and have some idle time, so I thought I'd write, though I really don't have anything specific to write about. There's so much transition going on in my life right now that I am lost half the time. I've started my new position at work, I've debated on housing options about a million times, I'm concentrating on getting physically attractive (the best I can) and have jumped head first back into school to get the MBA finished as soon as possible.
Overall life is awesome. I started the new position about a week and 1/2 ago. It was a sudden surprise getting released so soon, and it took my by surprise a bit. The new position in the Food and Nutrition department is great and I know I'm going to absolutely love it. It's a much slower pace than I'm used to, and actually much less stressful. It's also "higher" on the career ladder, somewhat of an Assistant Director or "second in command," which is definitely experience I'll need in the future. Due to Annual Survey dropping in last week, I haven't really had a lot of routine training yet, but I'm taking notes and learning whatever I can so hopefully I can prove to be an asset and help the department grow and improve, which is my goal in any job. I also have a fantastic boss that supports her department, and the people I work with have great senses of humor and definitely keep work fun while getting business taken care of. I'm fitting in well in the department and it's only a matter of time before my "family" at MSSLC grows even bigger!
The only negative I've seen thus far is the fact that I've "left" my "family" on the home I previously managed. Like I've said before, working with a group of people 12-16 hours daily, 5-6 days a week, really establishes bonds and relationships. When I first found out I was leaving the next day, I actually felt guilty, like I was trading in my "family" for more money, a higher position & the opportunity to get this Masters degree knocked out. I love all the individuals I worked with as well as all the staff I supervised, so it was a bit hard, but I realized that to better myself, and to improve things in the long-run, it was a move I had to make. Though I loved being a Home Manager at MSSLC, it wasn't something I wanted to do for the rest of my career. The object of the game is to move up and better oneself, so when the opportunity presented itself, I grabbed it. I still have been going to visit and smoke with my guys daily, and am working myself through the transition. Like I mentioned above, this new position is so much more relaxed and a better pace, and as I become acclimated to this pace, I really see the benefits to the change, and am still doing something I love, as well as learning about a department I've been ignorant of in the past and realizing that like everything else, this department is a vital piece of the puzzle that makes up my facility and keeps it successful. I am definitely confident that I made the right choice and am definitely loving my professional life.
Besides the change of jobs, everything else is pretty much the same. I'm still working on thinning down some, and at my last doctor's appointment I weighed in at 167. I imagine I've gained some back since I've eaten so much the past few days, but I'm still working towards the next goal of 160lbs, maybe less, depending on appearance. So far the maximum total loss is at 28 lbs. I'm still doing a little bit of exercise, cutting WAY back on food consumption and trying to keep as busy as possible. I still have some "hate" handles on my sides and a bit of a "muffin top" so I definitely still have some trimming down to do. I don't want to be "heroin-chic," but would like to be able to go shirtless without feeling self conscious. We shall see what happens I guess.
I'm still living between Groesbeck and Mart, and definitely want to move closer to Mexia, but I'm evaluating ALL options and trying to figure out what's best. I've got some personal things in the works that I still can't discuss for a couple of more weeks, but I am definitely needing the new home and structure soon so I can get the desired results. I'm still doing my brainstorming and browsing, so hopefully I'll come up with something that works soon.
Anyways, there's honestly not a lot going on besides the normal stuff. I'm keeping that positive attitude and not giving any thought to negative things. Life continues to be fantastic, and I know that it will remain that way for me.
Anyways, I'm doing laundry and have some idle time, so I thought I'd write, though I really don't have anything specific to write about. There's so much transition going on in my life right now that I am lost half the time. I've started my new position at work, I've debated on housing options about a million times, I'm concentrating on getting physically attractive (the best I can) and have jumped head first back into school to get the MBA finished as soon as possible.
Overall life is awesome. I started the new position about a week and 1/2 ago. It was a sudden surprise getting released so soon, and it took my by surprise a bit. The new position in the Food and Nutrition department is great and I know I'm going to absolutely love it. It's a much slower pace than I'm used to, and actually much less stressful. It's also "higher" on the career ladder, somewhat of an Assistant Director or "second in command," which is definitely experience I'll need in the future. Due to Annual Survey dropping in last week, I haven't really had a lot of routine training yet, but I'm taking notes and learning whatever I can so hopefully I can prove to be an asset and help the department grow and improve, which is my goal in any job. I also have a fantastic boss that supports her department, and the people I work with have great senses of humor and definitely keep work fun while getting business taken care of. I'm fitting in well in the department and it's only a matter of time before my "family" at MSSLC grows even bigger!
The only negative I've seen thus far is the fact that I've "left" my "family" on the home I previously managed. Like I've said before, working with a group of people 12-16 hours daily, 5-6 days a week, really establishes bonds and relationships. When I first found out I was leaving the next day, I actually felt guilty, like I was trading in my "family" for more money, a higher position & the opportunity to get this Masters degree knocked out. I love all the individuals I worked with as well as all the staff I supervised, so it was a bit hard, but I realized that to better myself, and to improve things in the long-run, it was a move I had to make. Though I loved being a Home Manager at MSSLC, it wasn't something I wanted to do for the rest of my career. The object of the game is to move up and better oneself, so when the opportunity presented itself, I grabbed it. I still have been going to visit and smoke with my guys daily, and am working myself through the transition. Like I mentioned above, this new position is so much more relaxed and a better pace, and as I become acclimated to this pace, I really see the benefits to the change, and am still doing something I love, as well as learning about a department I've been ignorant of in the past and realizing that like everything else, this department is a vital piece of the puzzle that makes up my facility and keeps it successful. I am definitely confident that I made the right choice and am definitely loving my professional life.
Besides the change of jobs, everything else is pretty much the same. I'm still working on thinning down some, and at my last doctor's appointment I weighed in at 167. I imagine I've gained some back since I've eaten so much the past few days, but I'm still working towards the next goal of 160lbs, maybe less, depending on appearance. So far the maximum total loss is at 28 lbs. I'm still doing a little bit of exercise, cutting WAY back on food consumption and trying to keep as busy as possible. I still have some "hate" handles on my sides and a bit of a "muffin top" so I definitely still have some trimming down to do. I don't want to be "heroin-chic," but would like to be able to go shirtless without feeling self conscious. We shall see what happens I guess.
I'm still living between Groesbeck and Mart, and definitely want to move closer to Mexia, but I'm evaluating ALL options and trying to figure out what's best. I've got some personal things in the works that I still can't discuss for a couple of more weeks, but I am definitely needing the new home and structure soon so I can get the desired results. I'm still doing my brainstorming and browsing, so hopefully I'll come up with something that works soon.
Anyways, there's honestly not a lot going on besides the normal stuff. I'm keeping that positive attitude and not giving any thought to negative things. Life continues to be fantastic, and I know that it will remain that way for me.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Been gone too long
I can't believe I only got one post done in the month of April. There is not enough time in the world to address everything that's been going on with me. Life has been like a wild fire. Not terrible though. April has been the busiest month I've had thus far and I've had a lot of recent changes. There were lots of good things, as well as a few bad things. I'm gonna try to get a quick post typed out as I sit here and enjoy a cup of coffee and catch up on Facebook and e-mail.
I'm still house shopping and getting frustrated about some things. First is the fact that it hasn't happened yet. We all know how impatient I can be, but I do realize that taking the time to get everything in order before I make the biggest purchase of my life will benefit me in the long run. I definitely want to get a new house but still haven't decided between a "fixer-upper," small move in ready, new sight built or even modular. Whatever I do, it'll end up being the best for me, and I still have time to decide.
I'm also still seeking financing. My credit score is decent, but not as great as I'd like it to be due to that conflict with Volkswagen Credit, and that one late Home Depot payment. It's all a work in progress though, and since I am one that HATES to pay interest, I want to be sure everything is back to normal so I can qualify for the best rate possible. 6 months ago I was well over a 700, and making my way to the 750 mark. I had set the previous goal to make it to 750 before I bought a new home. Since then I had the conflict with VW not taking out my automatic draft, which is now solved, and the late credit card payment, which was my fault. Therefore I'm still analyzing my best decision.
I recently accepted a new position at the State. It's in the Food and Nutrition department, which will be totally different from what I've always done. It is a higher manager's position on the career ladder though, and a good salary increase, which leads me to believe that it will be a good move for me personally and professionally in the long run. I love my current position, but I consulted my director who informed me that it's in my best interest in my long term career goals and I shouldn't pass up an opportunity for advancement. This position is almost like an Assistant Director of the department, since I will be right under the director. I'll have some direct reports, but am still learning the structure a department in Support Services. I'm just going to go in with open eyes, ears and mind, and learn as much as I can to benefit the department. As I continue to complete my MBA, I will have the work experience to help me in the future move further up so I will be prepared and qualified when an actual director's position comes open. I'm scheduled to begin my new position after the facility has it's annual survey which will be sometimes this month.
The more I look at it, the more excited I get. The people I'll be working beside in the Food and Nutrition dept are AWESOME and I'll have less stress at work, which will allow me to have more of a life outside work, and able to work on some personal plans that I have for my life. This is awesome.
It's awesome how I just have faith to let things work out right, and life just gets better. I practice using the Law Of Attraction, and keep an optimistic attitude and have faith that what I want will occur. I count my blessings daily and let the negative things pass me by. Since I've been doing this, I still get the occasional feelings of frustration, but they are temporary, and before too long I have a better plan and am fired up for life again.
Besides that, there's not been much going on. Life is fast paced and I love it. I'm still working on weight loss, and have gotten from 194 to 174 and still striving for the long term goal of 160lbs. I'm about to start running again and cutting more calories out. I'm in the transition of adopting a healthier lifestyle and hopefully can get what is ideal for me and my body. Right now I'm just not eating as much, staying active and living off coffee and water mostly.
I'm definitely going to start posting more again, but I've just been reserved since I've learned that there are some "haters" that enjoy "stalking" my facebook, blog, myspace and whatever else to get incriminating information to use against me. I'm not letting it bother me though, just watching out for myself. As anyone with some sense knows, everything I post is just opinion or idea, and shouldn't be taken seriously. I'm honestly flattered that people think I'm important enough to spend that much of their time with me on their mind. I'm smart enough to let Karma do the work for me, so the only advice I can give is to keep trying, but I know I'll always come out on top.
I hope everyone has a great month of May. I'm looking forward to enjoying it, as well as life in general.
I'll try to keep everyone posted on going-ons.
xoxo
kcs
I'm still house shopping and getting frustrated about some things. First is the fact that it hasn't happened yet. We all know how impatient I can be, but I do realize that taking the time to get everything in order before I make the biggest purchase of my life will benefit me in the long run. I definitely want to get a new house but still haven't decided between a "fixer-upper," small move in ready, new sight built or even modular. Whatever I do, it'll end up being the best for me, and I still have time to decide.
I'm also still seeking financing. My credit score is decent, but not as great as I'd like it to be due to that conflict with Volkswagen Credit, and that one late Home Depot payment. It's all a work in progress though, and since I am one that HATES to pay interest, I want to be sure everything is back to normal so I can qualify for the best rate possible. 6 months ago I was well over a 700, and making my way to the 750 mark. I had set the previous goal to make it to 750 before I bought a new home. Since then I had the conflict with VW not taking out my automatic draft, which is now solved, and the late credit card payment, which was my fault. Therefore I'm still analyzing my best decision.
I recently accepted a new position at the State. It's in the Food and Nutrition department, which will be totally different from what I've always done. It is a higher manager's position on the career ladder though, and a good salary increase, which leads me to believe that it will be a good move for me personally and professionally in the long run. I love my current position, but I consulted my director who informed me that it's in my best interest in my long term career goals and I shouldn't pass up an opportunity for advancement. This position is almost like an Assistant Director of the department, since I will be right under the director. I'll have some direct reports, but am still learning the structure a department in Support Services. I'm just going to go in with open eyes, ears and mind, and learn as much as I can to benefit the department. As I continue to complete my MBA, I will have the work experience to help me in the future move further up so I will be prepared and qualified when an actual director's position comes open. I'm scheduled to begin my new position after the facility has it's annual survey which will be sometimes this month.
The more I look at it, the more excited I get. The people I'll be working beside in the Food and Nutrition dept are AWESOME and I'll have less stress at work, which will allow me to have more of a life outside work, and able to work on some personal plans that I have for my life. This is awesome.
It's awesome how I just have faith to let things work out right, and life just gets better. I practice using the Law Of Attraction, and keep an optimistic attitude and have faith that what I want will occur. I count my blessings daily and let the negative things pass me by. Since I've been doing this, I still get the occasional feelings of frustration, but they are temporary, and before too long I have a better plan and am fired up for life again.
Besides that, there's not been much going on. Life is fast paced and I love it. I'm still working on weight loss, and have gotten from 194 to 174 and still striving for the long term goal of 160lbs. I'm about to start running again and cutting more calories out. I'm in the transition of adopting a healthier lifestyle and hopefully can get what is ideal for me and my body. Right now I'm just not eating as much, staying active and living off coffee and water mostly.
I'm definitely going to start posting more again, but I've just been reserved since I've learned that there are some "haters" that enjoy "stalking" my facebook, blog, myspace and whatever else to get incriminating information to use against me. I'm not letting it bother me though, just watching out for myself. As anyone with some sense knows, everything I post is just opinion or idea, and shouldn't be taken seriously. I'm honestly flattered that people think I'm important enough to spend that much of their time with me on their mind. I'm smart enough to let Karma do the work for me, so the only advice I can give is to keep trying, but I know I'll always come out on top.
I hope everyone has a great month of May. I'm looking forward to enjoying it, as well as life in general.
I'll try to keep everyone posted on going-ons.
xoxo
kcs
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Easter Sunday Post
So it's Easter Sunday, I'm at my parents' playing online while my laundry is washing for the week (my washing machine is still broked) and my dad is cooking food that I will be expected to eat.
The last time I blogged was about a week ago, and you'd be surprised how much can change in a fella's life over a week's time. Work has actually been hell on earth and I'm beginning to understand why after I read an e-mail about me from a superior that I wasn't supposed to know about. That changed the outlook on everything. I am still absolutely loving my job, staff and clients, and won't just lie down and give up because I'm not the most popular manager with some professionals. Though it hurts my feelings that I'm given a hard time because someone doesn't like me personally, it makes me feel better b/c I know now that I am doing well, and all the negativity isn't coming from my performance, but my personality. I know I'm a "know it all," but it was required when I was a Campus Coordinator, and now as a Home Manager to display confidence. I use what I've learned and strive to learn more. I'm beginning to feel that someone may be threatened just because I'm younger, more modern, and more qualified than they are, and people stuck in the "old school" state of mind may not like me because I'm full of fire to do well professionally and to help the people I serve instead of just maintaining it through the work week to get a check. I've got a big ego, but I am also very self conscious but tend to keep it hidden because I've learned that doubting yourself makes you appear weak and you don't want to appear weak in the world of management. I've gotten several compliments from important people around campus including my Unit Director and the Assistant Director of Programs, which are the opinions that really matter. This one superior may try to make it rough on me and want me to leave, but that person doesn't realize that I'm not afraid, I know my job and when I do leave it'll only be to move up. I've got that competitive professional state of mind & I know the system I'm in, so I just smile, continue to perform and exceed the expectations and prepare to make my career better!
There's also a position coming open that I've coveted for years that I will hopefully be able to apply for and interview for soon. I had one interview the week before last for a new position on campus that would've been a lateral move, but it was offered to one of my previous supervisors on campus who is awesome at everything MSSLC related. She was the one that taught me everything I know, so honestly there was no competition with her about the job, and it was an honor being offered an interview. I know she's going to do awesome and set the standard high for that job! Now that previous supervisor's position is vacant, and if I get the opportunity to interview for that I will be ecstatic! I know I could do the job, but I am young, and though legally that's not supposed to hinder me, it has in the past and I believe it still does to an extent. I've gotten some great experience out there and have been the youngest Campus Coordinator ever, youngest PNM Monitor ever, as well as the youngest Home Manager on campus and to date in all three positions. Maybe my trend will continue in the future. I've definitely got to get back in school to finish degrees, get life (personal and professional) organized and work my behind off to set a professional reputation about myself that will follow and lead me throughout my career. I'm learning that the business world, wherever you're at, is cut-throat and people will do whatever it takes to move ahead. As I posted in the "Betrayal" blog, trust is hard to come by and in the business world its almost non-existent. I'm fortunate to have a couple of people at my facility I trust and that's about it. My previous supervisor mentioned earlier is a wonderful mentor and is super about giving me suggestions regarding performance that will improve my professional standing over time. There are also a few friends that work in different departments that are true friends that I love to death and will do anything for.
I've also started taking the smoking cessation drug Chantix, and today is day 5. I've noticed a little change, mostly over the past day or so. My doctor pretty much told me to quit smoking or die early, so I went ahead and paid the $130 for a month's supply and am going to give it a shot. The drug itself isn't terrible, side effects wise. Many people say they had vivid dreams or were depressed, but the only effect I've noticed is that I'm sick to my stomach for about an hour after I take the pill. I have a horrible stomach ache, but the urges to smoke haven't really decreased. I may have noticed a bit of decrease in urge today, but generally I smoke more when I'm doing nothing, which is what I've done all weekend lol, so tomorrow when I'm at work, maybe I'll see a difference since I will probably be busy all day. I'm still "iffy" about actually wanting to quit my favorite vice, but the health aspect, as well as the money saved every month seems to present a pretty good argument about quitting.
I'm also still on the Adderall, which is helping with the weight loss project. Presently I've lost almost 20lbs, which I attribute to eating less and moving around more. I've pretty much cut back to one wholesome meal daily and drinking tea and water, and the very rare Dr. Pepper. I'm down to about 175lbs so if I can at least get another 15lbs off and then gain 5-10 back in muscle/toning I think I'll be in pretty good shape looks-wise.
Since my face has slimmed down some and I have cut my hair super short, I must be looking younger. I'm almost 25 years old and have gotten carded for cigarettes more in the past 2 weeks than I did the past 2 years before. When the woman carded me last night, it actually frustrated me enough that I pointed out the lines and wrinkles in my forehead to show her my age. I definitely don't want to look like an old man, but as I mentioned in the earlier paragraph my age has hindered my advancement at work in the past, and the last thing I want to do is look like a high school student. My ideal "look" is one of a slim, attractive, stylish, 20-something doing what he has to do to make it in the world. I'm still working on that balance.
My love life is so non existent and I love that! As I'm trying to structure and improve my life the last thing I need is to have someone that I have to keep up with and have keep up with me. I'm definitely "crushing" or something, and have several potential interests for some casual dating, but I'm not in the market for anything serious at all. I have found out about love recently and have discovered that people fall in love with others that they don't even plan on falling for. This can be any type of love; paternal, fraternal, friend-wise, romance, or any bond. I've realized that there are so many people in my life that I actually LOVE because if they were to be taken from my life I would be devastated. Love is so unconventional and is the weirdest emotion I've ever encountered. I plan on writing more extensively on this topic just to see what I can discover in the future.
I'm still house shopping, but my aunt may end up selling her house to move to town & I love her current house and would love to buy it. She's lived there as long as I've been alive, so it's almost like another home to me and I would feel so comfortable there Its also in the locale that I've been pursuing outside Mexia. The one house I had my eye on out there finally sold, so this is something I'm really hoping happens. Price wise I can afford what the house is worth, and I'm hoping I can find qualification for financing. It's been over a month since Volkswagen screwed up my automatic draft and my credit score, and my Home Depot credit card is also current, but I don't know if the darn score has gotten back up to where it was (over 700). If this house specifically comes up for sale I will do whatever possible to find financing though. I've still got to sell that darn mobile home, but I've been doing some cosmetic upgrades to neutralize themes and make it look better and still have to get the tax info that the previous owners didn't pay to be able to get the title and re-sell. That is frustrating. I've had several interested people inquire about the house, but am unable to sell until I get the title. It's kind of like being stuck currently because I have to sell this one to be able to afford a new house, but if I sell this one before I get a new house I will be homeless, and do not plan on moving back in with my parents lol. I just have to have faith that it'll work out.
So basically that's all that's going on in my world right now (at least all I want to discuss). I am speeding through day to day activities and loving how everything is working out, though there's so much transition going on. Some friends invited me to come over tonight to watch the Baylor game, but I have to work early tomorrow and will probably turn in early tonight to get plenty of rest.
Look out in the future for that love post that I'm researching, and if there are any other topics you recommend, let me know! Hope you all have a wonderful Easter!
xoxoxo
kcs
The last time I blogged was about a week ago, and you'd be surprised how much can change in a fella's life over a week's time. Work has actually been hell on earth and I'm beginning to understand why after I read an e-mail about me from a superior that I wasn't supposed to know about. That changed the outlook on everything. I am still absolutely loving my job, staff and clients, and won't just lie down and give up because I'm not the most popular manager with some professionals. Though it hurts my feelings that I'm given a hard time because someone doesn't like me personally, it makes me feel better b/c I know now that I am doing well, and all the negativity isn't coming from my performance, but my personality. I know I'm a "know it all," but it was required when I was a Campus Coordinator, and now as a Home Manager to display confidence. I use what I've learned and strive to learn more. I'm beginning to feel that someone may be threatened just because I'm younger, more modern, and more qualified than they are, and people stuck in the "old school" state of mind may not like me because I'm full of fire to do well professionally and to help the people I serve instead of just maintaining it through the work week to get a check. I've got a big ego, but I am also very self conscious but tend to keep it hidden because I've learned that doubting yourself makes you appear weak and you don't want to appear weak in the world of management. I've gotten several compliments from important people around campus including my Unit Director and the Assistant Director of Programs, which are the opinions that really matter. This one superior may try to make it rough on me and want me to leave, but that person doesn't realize that I'm not afraid, I know my job and when I do leave it'll only be to move up. I've got that competitive professional state of mind & I know the system I'm in, so I just smile, continue to perform and exceed the expectations and prepare to make my career better!
There's also a position coming open that I've coveted for years that I will hopefully be able to apply for and interview for soon. I had one interview the week before last for a new position on campus that would've been a lateral move, but it was offered to one of my previous supervisors on campus who is awesome at everything MSSLC related. She was the one that taught me everything I know, so honestly there was no competition with her about the job, and it was an honor being offered an interview. I know she's going to do awesome and set the standard high for that job! Now that previous supervisor's position is vacant, and if I get the opportunity to interview for that I will be ecstatic! I know I could do the job, but I am young, and though legally that's not supposed to hinder me, it has in the past and I believe it still does to an extent. I've gotten some great experience out there and have been the youngest Campus Coordinator ever, youngest PNM Monitor ever, as well as the youngest Home Manager on campus and to date in all three positions. Maybe my trend will continue in the future. I've definitely got to get back in school to finish degrees, get life (personal and professional) organized and work my behind off to set a professional reputation about myself that will follow and lead me throughout my career. I'm learning that the business world, wherever you're at, is cut-throat and people will do whatever it takes to move ahead. As I posted in the "Betrayal" blog, trust is hard to come by and in the business world its almost non-existent. I'm fortunate to have a couple of people at my facility I trust and that's about it. My previous supervisor mentioned earlier is a wonderful mentor and is super about giving me suggestions regarding performance that will improve my professional standing over time. There are also a few friends that work in different departments that are true friends that I love to death and will do anything for.
I've also started taking the smoking cessation drug Chantix, and today is day 5. I've noticed a little change, mostly over the past day or so. My doctor pretty much told me to quit smoking or die early, so I went ahead and paid the $130 for a month's supply and am going to give it a shot. The drug itself isn't terrible, side effects wise. Many people say they had vivid dreams or were depressed, but the only effect I've noticed is that I'm sick to my stomach for about an hour after I take the pill. I have a horrible stomach ache, but the urges to smoke haven't really decreased. I may have noticed a bit of decrease in urge today, but generally I smoke more when I'm doing nothing, which is what I've done all weekend lol, so tomorrow when I'm at work, maybe I'll see a difference since I will probably be busy all day. I'm still "iffy" about actually wanting to quit my favorite vice, but the health aspect, as well as the money saved every month seems to present a pretty good argument about quitting.
I'm also still on the Adderall, which is helping with the weight loss project. Presently I've lost almost 20lbs, which I attribute to eating less and moving around more. I've pretty much cut back to one wholesome meal daily and drinking tea and water, and the very rare Dr. Pepper. I'm down to about 175lbs so if I can at least get another 15lbs off and then gain 5-10 back in muscle/toning I think I'll be in pretty good shape looks-wise.
Since my face has slimmed down some and I have cut my hair super short, I must be looking younger. I'm almost 25 years old and have gotten carded for cigarettes more in the past 2 weeks than I did the past 2 years before. When the woman carded me last night, it actually frustrated me enough that I pointed out the lines and wrinkles in my forehead to show her my age. I definitely don't want to look like an old man, but as I mentioned in the earlier paragraph my age has hindered my advancement at work in the past, and the last thing I want to do is look like a high school student. My ideal "look" is one of a slim, attractive, stylish, 20-something doing what he has to do to make it in the world. I'm still working on that balance.
My love life is so non existent and I love that! As I'm trying to structure and improve my life the last thing I need is to have someone that I have to keep up with and have keep up with me. I'm definitely "crushing" or something, and have several potential interests for some casual dating, but I'm not in the market for anything serious at all. I have found out about love recently and have discovered that people fall in love with others that they don't even plan on falling for. This can be any type of love; paternal, fraternal, friend-wise, romance, or any bond. I've realized that there are so many people in my life that I actually LOVE because if they were to be taken from my life I would be devastated. Love is so unconventional and is the weirdest emotion I've ever encountered. I plan on writing more extensively on this topic just to see what I can discover in the future.
I'm still house shopping, but my aunt may end up selling her house to move to town & I love her current house and would love to buy it. She's lived there as long as I've been alive, so it's almost like another home to me and I would feel so comfortable there Its also in the locale that I've been pursuing outside Mexia. The one house I had my eye on out there finally sold, so this is something I'm really hoping happens. Price wise I can afford what the house is worth, and I'm hoping I can find qualification for financing. It's been over a month since Volkswagen screwed up my automatic draft and my credit score, and my Home Depot credit card is also current, but I don't know if the darn score has gotten back up to where it was (over 700). If this house specifically comes up for sale I will do whatever possible to find financing though. I've still got to sell that darn mobile home, but I've been doing some cosmetic upgrades to neutralize themes and make it look better and still have to get the tax info that the previous owners didn't pay to be able to get the title and re-sell. That is frustrating. I've had several interested people inquire about the house, but am unable to sell until I get the title. It's kind of like being stuck currently because I have to sell this one to be able to afford a new house, but if I sell this one before I get a new house I will be homeless, and do not plan on moving back in with my parents lol. I just have to have faith that it'll work out.
So basically that's all that's going on in my world right now (at least all I want to discuss). I am speeding through day to day activities and loving how everything is working out, though there's so much transition going on. Some friends invited me to come over tonight to watch the Baylor game, but I have to work early tomorrow and will probably turn in early tonight to get plenty of rest.
Look out in the future for that love post that I'm researching, and if there are any other topics you recommend, let me know! Hope you all have a wonderful Easter!
xoxoxo
kcs
Monday, March 29, 2010
New Week
So it's Monday...
All I can think to say is "Thank Goodness I get my Adderall refilled today!" Chocolate, it seems, doesn't quite give the same effect.
Besides that, life is awesome. I got so much rest this past weekend, and also got some other things done that needed to be addressed. Spring is in the air, and I'm expecting any minute to be hit with Spring Fever. In fact it may be starting already since I really don't want to be at work today. Maybe I'm just a little burned out from last week, but the thought of coming in to work this morning was enough to make me dive under the covers and hide from the world :o)
I definitely still have some issues to deal with, but right now I'm just letting them sit back and simmer. Patience has always been my weakest virtue, and it always bothers me when things don't happen my way, right away. I'm still feeling out some people, and working on improving things so that when they do happen, they happen the right way.
I am still only 24 years old, and sometimes I wonder if I'm trying to rush things, but I am finally realizing that unless they aren't in immediate need of addressing, I should chill out. How do I know that what I want is for the best for all parties involved? It's crazy that I get a godlike complex about things sometimes, when actually fate moves everything in the opposite direction and the results that I want are totally against the grain. Guess that's just a part of living and learning.
As I mentioned in my earlier blog, trust will always be betrayed, but if you can only trust yourself and not put your heart out there to be broken, it saves you a lot in the long run. I'm not god-like, and I can't control what others feel and think, so I shouldn't assume or try. Some people I love more than life itself, but I need to realize that it's not always returned. A person cannot help what they were born to feel, so I need to chill the hell out and focus on doing me, regardless of how it hurts.
It seems that once I become involved in something, I put my everything into it. This is a personal flaw. I think it stems from the idea that I must have relevance in life and "leave my mark" of being responsible for something turning out improved. Though I do realize that my relevance is irrelevant to everyone else, something in my brain cannot comprehend that, so I'm constantly involved with something, that more than likely won't turn out right, leaving me with a sense of failure. That was definitely the problem last week, and it took several hours of sleep and rest to decide that my involvement with some things probably increased the problem, just because I refused to back off, let my feelings overpower and force things that probably aren't meant to occur.
I've decided to take a different approach though. In the future I will try to observe, decide in my mind what outcome I want, and see if fate has the same outcome. I'm beginning to take some things too personally and at the rate its going, I want to take the world personally, which would probably end up in a premature death of my soul.
While writing this, I wasn't even sure what my discussion point was going to be. I know that I'm still a bit sore regarding events of last week, and now that I'm rested and medicated correctly, I can finally see what's going on, and even though my desires haven't changed, I need to look at the way I view them. I am a fighter and if the direct attack doesn't seem to work, maybe it's time to invoke the stealth, surprise attack. The important thing is to remember to keep playing the game, regardless of what strategies aren't effective.
All I can think to say is "Thank Goodness I get my Adderall refilled today!" Chocolate, it seems, doesn't quite give the same effect.
Besides that, life is awesome. I got so much rest this past weekend, and also got some other things done that needed to be addressed. Spring is in the air, and I'm expecting any minute to be hit with Spring Fever. In fact it may be starting already since I really don't want to be at work today. Maybe I'm just a little burned out from last week, but the thought of coming in to work this morning was enough to make me dive under the covers and hide from the world :o)
I definitely still have some issues to deal with, but right now I'm just letting them sit back and simmer. Patience has always been my weakest virtue, and it always bothers me when things don't happen my way, right away. I'm still feeling out some people, and working on improving things so that when they do happen, they happen the right way.
I am still only 24 years old, and sometimes I wonder if I'm trying to rush things, but I am finally realizing that unless they aren't in immediate need of addressing, I should chill out. How do I know that what I want is for the best for all parties involved? It's crazy that I get a godlike complex about things sometimes, when actually fate moves everything in the opposite direction and the results that I want are totally against the grain. Guess that's just a part of living and learning.
As I mentioned in my earlier blog, trust will always be betrayed, but if you can only trust yourself and not put your heart out there to be broken, it saves you a lot in the long run. I'm not god-like, and I can't control what others feel and think, so I shouldn't assume or try. Some people I love more than life itself, but I need to realize that it's not always returned. A person cannot help what they were born to feel, so I need to chill the hell out and focus on doing me, regardless of how it hurts.
It seems that once I become involved in something, I put my everything into it. This is a personal flaw. I think it stems from the idea that I must have relevance in life and "leave my mark" of being responsible for something turning out improved. Though I do realize that my relevance is irrelevant to everyone else, something in my brain cannot comprehend that, so I'm constantly involved with something, that more than likely won't turn out right, leaving me with a sense of failure. That was definitely the problem last week, and it took several hours of sleep and rest to decide that my involvement with some things probably increased the problem, just because I refused to back off, let my feelings overpower and force things that probably aren't meant to occur.
I've decided to take a different approach though. In the future I will try to observe, decide in my mind what outcome I want, and see if fate has the same outcome. I'm beginning to take some things too personally and at the rate its going, I want to take the world personally, which would probably end up in a premature death of my soul.
While writing this, I wasn't even sure what my discussion point was going to be. I know that I'm still a bit sore regarding events of last week, and now that I'm rested and medicated correctly, I can finally see what's going on, and even though my desires haven't changed, I need to look at the way I view them. I am a fighter and if the direct attack doesn't seem to work, maybe it's time to invoke the stealth, surprise attack. The important thing is to remember to keep playing the game, regardless of what strategies aren't effective.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Trust and Betrayal
Betrayal, its everywhere. I'm beginning to think betrayal is one of humanity's most dominant traits. I'm no stranger to betrayal, on either side, but for some reason it always bothers me and more than usual lately.
This has been an extremely long week, mentally and physically. In addition to working 14-18 hours daily, I have been going through medication withdrawals, personal issues and thousands of other pains in the rear. I am suffering from a major lack of serotonin, and sleep deprivation on top of it just makes things more complicated.
While I still have millions of blessings I count on a daily basis, for some reason, the small things are bothering me, trust topping the list. My personality makes me a very trusting person. Though I cannot count the times I have been burned, I cannot seem to learn. The past month I have been betrayed so many times, in so many ways, yet I still let it get to me. You think you have a bond with someone, a connection. Whether this bond is by blood, love, companionship or even the fact that the 2 people have no-one else to bond with, it is never strong enough I've learned.
As I sit here wondering why, I begin to realize that it probably actually is human nature. The strongest urge a human has is to survive. It doesn't matter how you are connected to the person, whether friend, child, parent, lover, or any of that, your survival is ultimately what's most important. Though a person may deny this, say they will die for their loved ones, deep down inside the person is experiencing the urge to survive, despite what the conscious mind is saying.
Lets look at a common wild rabbit for instance. It has a nest of 3 babies. One day a snake comes into the nest to consume the baby rabbits. The parent will continuously try to save its offspring. It will do anything to distract the snake, to lead it out of the nest or whatever. If the snake doesn't go for the bait, eventually the rabbit will give up and save itself before it's eaten as well. The rabbit will NOT lay over it's babies and force the snake to eat it instead. Therefore the rabbit is betraying his offspring. He will make a conscious effort to save them, but when the going gets tough, the rabbit will give up to save himself and have another litter of babies the next mating season. Humans are a bit smarter than a common rabbit, but that survival urge is still inside. The conscious of a human being is strong enough to disguise the subconscious urge to survive. The parent will usually save the kid before himself, but he's got the IQ allowed to do this. If humans were on the same level as an animal, it would be very different.
I know that occasionally the subconscious urge will burst out and overwhelm. Imagine a person who cant swim being thrown in a deep pool. The urge to survive comes out enough that the person will struggle to breathe, and even grasp another person, forcing them underwater just to stay alive. Look back at huge tragedies that have occurred in history, there are so many instances of people fighting for themselves and betraying their fellow man, leaving him to whatever the consequences were, whether freezing on the Titanic, starving in the Great Depression or even in the fictional tragedies we read about and see on television.
How, you wonder, does this equate to betrayal of trust? It appears that people have the tendency to develop trusts just as fast as they break them. I don't know where this comes from though. Maybe its the desire to feel relevant? The age old question of "why was I created" plagues everyone at some time or another. Maybe it's the need for some sort of companionship? To know that you are not alone? I don't know, and all I do know is what I've experienced myself, and I don't even know the reasons for that.
Personally I develop trusts and bonds easily, and feel horrible when the other person violates that bond/trust. This has happened to me (and I'm guessing everyone else) millions of times. It's not always romantic, friendship or even being co-workers, but it still effects me negatively every time I am betrayed.
Some betrayals aren't even on purpose. You can't force someone to feel a certain way, and sometimes a person is guilty of reading too deep into a bond, and not realizing until that betrayal has surfaced and the person feels like a total loser. A person can't be forced to love someone else, though they still may like the person, but not have the exact mutual feelings.
The unintentional betrayal is horrible, but it compares nothing to the deliberate betrayal. Having someone manipulate you, use you and then hurt you without caring is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. A person devotes so much time, thought, energy into a bond with someone who they think can trust, and then they find out that it isn't mutual, they were used for affection, information, money, status or anything else, except for themselves and what's inside.
Betrayal is so common in the world, I wonder how there are any people left practicing humanity. You would think with the good Karma they submit, they wouldn't have to suffer so much, but from what I've observed, Karma doesn't care about all that.
I guess what I'm rambling about is just frustration. I tend to be a tender soul and it just breaks what heart I have left to see good people get hurt. I know what it feels to give your all to someone to improve their life and only get heartache in return, and people that's been practicing humanity their whole lives just shrug it off and go on to the next one and though you know they're hurting, they still give 100%. Those are people I admire and respect.
You can't force a person to feel or act a certain way, but you should just expect them to stop you before you invest your interest and heart in them. Personally I never am one to lead people on. There have been several great people that had an interest in me or my best interest, and I can't bear to lead them on, so I generally express my appreciation and send them on their way. Cruelness is not cute, but so many people out there tend to think it puts them above the rest.
This has been an extremely long week, mentally and physically. In addition to working 14-18 hours daily, I have been going through medication withdrawals, personal issues and thousands of other pains in the rear. I am suffering from a major lack of serotonin, and sleep deprivation on top of it just makes things more complicated.
While I still have millions of blessings I count on a daily basis, for some reason, the small things are bothering me, trust topping the list. My personality makes me a very trusting person. Though I cannot count the times I have been burned, I cannot seem to learn. The past month I have been betrayed so many times, in so many ways, yet I still let it get to me. You think you have a bond with someone, a connection. Whether this bond is by blood, love, companionship or even the fact that the 2 people have no-one else to bond with, it is never strong enough I've learned.
As I sit here wondering why, I begin to realize that it probably actually is human nature. The strongest urge a human has is to survive. It doesn't matter how you are connected to the person, whether friend, child, parent, lover, or any of that, your survival is ultimately what's most important. Though a person may deny this, say they will die for their loved ones, deep down inside the person is experiencing the urge to survive, despite what the conscious mind is saying.
Lets look at a common wild rabbit for instance. It has a nest of 3 babies. One day a snake comes into the nest to consume the baby rabbits. The parent will continuously try to save its offspring. It will do anything to distract the snake, to lead it out of the nest or whatever. If the snake doesn't go for the bait, eventually the rabbit will give up and save itself before it's eaten as well. The rabbit will NOT lay over it's babies and force the snake to eat it instead. Therefore the rabbit is betraying his offspring. He will make a conscious effort to save them, but when the going gets tough, the rabbit will give up to save himself and have another litter of babies the next mating season. Humans are a bit smarter than a common rabbit, but that survival urge is still inside. The conscious of a human being is strong enough to disguise the subconscious urge to survive. The parent will usually save the kid before himself, but he's got the IQ allowed to do this. If humans were on the same level as an animal, it would be very different.
I know that occasionally the subconscious urge will burst out and overwhelm. Imagine a person who cant swim being thrown in a deep pool. The urge to survive comes out enough that the person will struggle to breathe, and even grasp another person, forcing them underwater just to stay alive. Look back at huge tragedies that have occurred in history, there are so many instances of people fighting for themselves and betraying their fellow man, leaving him to whatever the consequences were, whether freezing on the Titanic, starving in the Great Depression or even in the fictional tragedies we read about and see on television.
How, you wonder, does this equate to betrayal of trust? It appears that people have the tendency to develop trusts just as fast as they break them. I don't know where this comes from though. Maybe its the desire to feel relevant? The age old question of "why was I created" plagues everyone at some time or another. Maybe it's the need for some sort of companionship? To know that you are not alone? I don't know, and all I do know is what I've experienced myself, and I don't even know the reasons for that.
Personally I develop trusts and bonds easily, and feel horrible when the other person violates that bond/trust. This has happened to me (and I'm guessing everyone else) millions of times. It's not always romantic, friendship or even being co-workers, but it still effects me negatively every time I am betrayed.
Some betrayals aren't even on purpose. You can't force someone to feel a certain way, and sometimes a person is guilty of reading too deep into a bond, and not realizing until that betrayal has surfaced and the person feels like a total loser. A person can't be forced to love someone else, though they still may like the person, but not have the exact mutual feelings.
The unintentional betrayal is horrible, but it compares nothing to the deliberate betrayal. Having someone manipulate you, use you and then hurt you without caring is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. A person devotes so much time, thought, energy into a bond with someone who they think can trust, and then they find out that it isn't mutual, they were used for affection, information, money, status or anything else, except for themselves and what's inside.
Betrayal is so common in the world, I wonder how there are any people left practicing humanity. You would think with the good Karma they submit, they wouldn't have to suffer so much, but from what I've observed, Karma doesn't care about all that.
I guess what I'm rambling about is just frustration. I tend to be a tender soul and it just breaks what heart I have left to see good people get hurt. I know what it feels to give your all to someone to improve their life and only get heartache in return, and people that's been practicing humanity their whole lives just shrug it off and go on to the next one and though you know they're hurting, they still give 100%. Those are people I admire and respect.
You can't force a person to feel or act a certain way, but you should just expect them to stop you before you invest your interest and heart in them. Personally I never am one to lead people on. There have been several great people that had an interest in me or my best interest, and I can't bear to lead them on, so I generally express my appreciation and send them on their way. Cruelness is not cute, but so many people out there tend to think it puts them above the rest.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Just a catch up
Ugggh Its Tuesday. The Court Monitors will be at MSSLC all week, and I am stressed to the point of no return. Usually I don't stress out when we have monitors on campus, but this is the first time they've been here since I've been a supervisor responsible for staff, which makes a big difference. I am looking forward to Friday when the monitors do their exits and we find out whether we're doing good or bad.
I'm also worried about one of the guys that reside on my home at work. I do my best to try not to show preferential treatment, but when you work with people 12-16 hours a day or 70+ hours a week they become like a member of your family, especially when you spend more time with them than with your actual family. You develop bonds, and honestly have the need to assure they're healthy and happy, at least I do. I love my job, but sometimes I'm afraid I take my present position too personally. I've been informed of a couple of positions on campus that may benefit me in the future, but am just taking opportunities as they come. That would free up some time to pursue some other personal interests. Oh well though, its just something else to process.
Besides that, life is going great. I have lost even more weight, and am down to 175, which is like 20lbs lighter than I was 3 weeks ago. I love my Adderall. My Dr better have my prescription ready today. I am still a cigarette, coffee and sometimes vodka addict. Those are my main vices, and they are in the process of being phased out. I definitely am feeling better due to the better meds and healthier lifestyle. I am only eating once a day and am usually in bed by 8:30 or 9:00pm and wake up at 4:30am every morning to come into work. This has balanced me out mentally, as well as filling up my bank account which I love. I am still in the process of house shopping and have another plan or two for the future, which will take care of several issues at once. So excited.
So besides that, there really isn't anything to blog about. My life is devoted to my work and that is what is taking up most of my time right now. I'm curious to see how everything turns out when the court monitors leave and what changes MSSLC will have to make.
I'm also worried about one of the guys that reside on my home at work. I do my best to try not to show preferential treatment, but when you work with people 12-16 hours a day or 70+ hours a week they become like a member of your family, especially when you spend more time with them than with your actual family. You develop bonds, and honestly have the need to assure they're healthy and happy, at least I do. I love my job, but sometimes I'm afraid I take my present position too personally. I've been informed of a couple of positions on campus that may benefit me in the future, but am just taking opportunities as they come. That would free up some time to pursue some other personal interests. Oh well though, its just something else to process.
Besides that, life is going great. I have lost even more weight, and am down to 175, which is like 20lbs lighter than I was 3 weeks ago. I love my Adderall. My Dr better have my prescription ready today. I am still a cigarette, coffee and sometimes vodka addict. Those are my main vices, and they are in the process of being phased out. I definitely am feeling better due to the better meds and healthier lifestyle. I am only eating once a day and am usually in bed by 8:30 or 9:00pm and wake up at 4:30am every morning to come into work. This has balanced me out mentally, as well as filling up my bank account which I love. I am still in the process of house shopping and have another plan or two for the future, which will take care of several issues at once. So excited.
So besides that, there really isn't anything to blog about. My life is devoted to my work and that is what is taking up most of my time right now. I'm curious to see how everything turns out when the court monitors leave and what changes MSSLC will have to make.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
And my body falls to pieces
Ok, so here's a blog to let everyone know what's been going on with me the past few days.
Following my awesome trip to Austin last week, I began noticing that I was having some upper chest/head congestion which I just attributed to the changing weather, allergies in the air and whatever. I also realized that I was getting ANOTHER staph infection, this time below my tailbone in a very unpleasant spot.
Since I've now been back with the State of Texas for 3 months, my health insurance has kicked in and I decided to get it checked out. I had been planning a med review anyway to see if there is anything I can do to help with my ADD and serotonin deficiency which has been causing anxiety attacks, and since my ass felt like it was falling off and my chest felt like it was full of fluid, I made an appointment with a local MD and decided to get to the root of these problems.
Upon visiting the Dr, she was most concerned with my airflow and chest, which was my least worry. She urged me to go to Parkview Regional Hospital asap, and even had a bed reserved there. At first I resisted, knowing I have too much to do, but after concurring with my mother, who acts as if I'm 4 years old and cannot make my own decision, I ended up at PRH, with plans to transfer to a larger hospital once everything was stabilized in Mexia. (My doctor had originally said I'd only be there 2 days anyways.) My first night there (Wednesday) I had several chest xrays, gallons of blood drawn, 2 ivs put in and was treated as if I was dying. My O2 stats dropped down to 81 when I was sleeping so they freaked out over that and stuck a nasal cannula in my nose, as well as implementing breathing treatments every 4 hours. I finally made it through Wednesday night, though not in the brightest of moods. My cigarettes had been stripped from me, I was stuffed in that little bed and was suffering from heartburn on top of that. Vicodin was the only thing that kept me sane, in an insane way that night.
Thursday morning I awoke in a better mood though. I was to have the staph infection on my butt lanced and drained, my chest consults were to be discussed and hopefully I was to be discharged to return home and get back into my groove of things. Well it turned out that the butt infection was so deep that I was to be put to sleep so they could clean it down to the bone. The infection had spread to by bloodstream so I was facing a staph caused death if it didn't get attended to fast enough, and my lung xrays weren't good enough so I had to go to have a chest ct scan to figure out while I couldn't breathe from my right lung.
The surgery went fine except I was catheterized without my consent, and didn't know until I arose a couple of hours later to urinate and about passed out from the pain. I was leaking discharge out of the lesion on my behind, so they stuck maxi pads on my ass to drain it and I was given another IV in my other arm to have tracing dye placed in my blood. All of this done, no cigarettes or coffee for over 24 hours and I was a nervous, jackass wreck. I demanded to be released and at least transferred to another facility, but it turned out that Providence would not accept me as a patient since PRH was doing the exact same thing in Mexia.
Eff them I said. At least my nurses were taking care of me, and all the PRH staff with exception of one evil hag (who has been addressed) were all so kind to me.
So as results came in on the lungs, it turns out that there was no airflow in my right lung because the bish has decided to semi collapse like an accordion. There was also the chance of some lung cancer and COPD, but I'm not worried about it. I have a history of weak lungs since I've had pneumonia years ago, and I guess my obsession with my precious cigarettes don't help much. Basically I was told I had to quit smoking or die. Still haven't made that decision yet though. lol
I have been put on so many meds though. Besides my normal paroxitine, I have also had Klonapin implemented, vicodin for pain, something else for the muscular esophageal spasms I've been having and several asthma meds. Welbutrin has also been implemented in dealing with the quitting smoking and withdrawal depression that comes from it. If it doesn't work I guess I'll switch to Chantix. I'd love to be a social smoker, but I don't know if my personality type can handle it right now. I finally got my adderall, which is a life saver since much of my smoking was due to excess energy. So since I'm heavily medicated, the chance of me going on a murderous rampage right now is low, and I'm planning on just getting back into my healthy routine and figuring out what is good for Chase. I keep using the money I'll save on cigarettes as an incentive to quit smoking.
The main thing is that I don't sacrifice my quality of life for my length of life. I've seen so many people give up happiness, just to have more days of misery on earth, which doesn't appeal to me at all. I have a bucket list that I'm working on, but when it's time for me to go out, I plan to do it well!
Thanks so much for the well wishes I've been getting. Even though I'm one of the strangest ppl in the world, the people who care about me rock my socks and as I learn more about my disease(s) I will keep yall informed of the drama and shiz.
Following my awesome trip to Austin last week, I began noticing that I was having some upper chest/head congestion which I just attributed to the changing weather, allergies in the air and whatever. I also realized that I was getting ANOTHER staph infection, this time below my tailbone in a very unpleasant spot.
Since I've now been back with the State of Texas for 3 months, my health insurance has kicked in and I decided to get it checked out. I had been planning a med review anyway to see if there is anything I can do to help with my ADD and serotonin deficiency which has been causing anxiety attacks, and since my ass felt like it was falling off and my chest felt like it was full of fluid, I made an appointment with a local MD and decided to get to the root of these problems.
Upon visiting the Dr, she was most concerned with my airflow and chest, which was my least worry. She urged me to go to Parkview Regional Hospital asap, and even had a bed reserved there. At first I resisted, knowing I have too much to do, but after concurring with my mother, who acts as if I'm 4 years old and cannot make my own decision, I ended up at PRH, with plans to transfer to a larger hospital once everything was stabilized in Mexia. (My doctor had originally said I'd only be there 2 days anyways.) My first night there (Wednesday) I had several chest xrays, gallons of blood drawn, 2 ivs put in and was treated as if I was dying. My O2 stats dropped down to 81 when I was sleeping so they freaked out over that and stuck a nasal cannula in my nose, as well as implementing breathing treatments every 4 hours. I finally made it through Wednesday night, though not in the brightest of moods. My cigarettes had been stripped from me, I was stuffed in that little bed and was suffering from heartburn on top of that. Vicodin was the only thing that kept me sane, in an insane way that night.
Thursday morning I awoke in a better mood though. I was to have the staph infection on my butt lanced and drained, my chest consults were to be discussed and hopefully I was to be discharged to return home and get back into my groove of things. Well it turned out that the butt infection was so deep that I was to be put to sleep so they could clean it down to the bone. The infection had spread to by bloodstream so I was facing a staph caused death if it didn't get attended to fast enough, and my lung xrays weren't good enough so I had to go to have a chest ct scan to figure out while I couldn't breathe from my right lung.
The surgery went fine except I was catheterized without my consent, and didn't know until I arose a couple of hours later to urinate and about passed out from the pain. I was leaking discharge out of the lesion on my behind, so they stuck maxi pads on my ass to drain it and I was given another IV in my other arm to have tracing dye placed in my blood. All of this done, no cigarettes or coffee for over 24 hours and I was a nervous, jackass wreck. I demanded to be released and at least transferred to another facility, but it turned out that Providence would not accept me as a patient since PRH was doing the exact same thing in Mexia.
Eff them I said. At least my nurses were taking care of me, and all the PRH staff with exception of one evil hag (who has been addressed) were all so kind to me.
So as results came in on the lungs, it turns out that there was no airflow in my right lung because the bish has decided to semi collapse like an accordion. There was also the chance of some lung cancer and COPD, but I'm not worried about it. I have a history of weak lungs since I've had pneumonia years ago, and I guess my obsession with my precious cigarettes don't help much. Basically I was told I had to quit smoking or die. Still haven't made that decision yet though. lol
I have been put on so many meds though. Besides my normal paroxitine, I have also had Klonapin implemented, vicodin for pain, something else for the muscular esophageal spasms I've been having and several asthma meds. Welbutrin has also been implemented in dealing with the quitting smoking and withdrawal depression that comes from it. If it doesn't work I guess I'll switch to Chantix. I'd love to be a social smoker, but I don't know if my personality type can handle it right now. I finally got my adderall, which is a life saver since much of my smoking was due to excess energy. So since I'm heavily medicated, the chance of me going on a murderous rampage right now is low, and I'm planning on just getting back into my healthy routine and figuring out what is good for Chase. I keep using the money I'll save on cigarettes as an incentive to quit smoking.
The main thing is that I don't sacrifice my quality of life for my length of life. I've seen so many people give up happiness, just to have more days of misery on earth, which doesn't appeal to me at all. I have a bucket list that I'm working on, but when it's time for me to go out, I plan to do it well!
Thanks so much for the well wishes I've been getting. Even though I'm one of the strangest ppl in the world, the people who care about me rock my socks and as I learn more about my disease(s) I will keep yall informed of the drama and shiz.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Seratonin and insanity
So, its been approximately a week since I've last posted. As my life goes on every day, I reflect back on this past week and realize that this has been one of the oddest weeks of my adult life. I am continuing to travel through the world of Carrie Bradshaw and her fabulous friends and am in the middle of about 4 novels right now as well, all of them different genres and opposite themes. Though I've been enjoying watching the SITC series, I haven't really been inspired to write about the topics, because frankly, I haven't been interested in love, sex and relationships, which as we all know are the major themes of that show. I've dropped the novels I was reading with love themes and traded them in for tragedies, self-finding, and unconventional fiction that only a genius can invent.
I've also been off my Paroxitine for about a week now, which means that my body is going through a major serotonin deficiency and withdrawal. The results, however have been so interesting in the fact that my creative, real side is emerging. The raw, realistic, somewhat morbid Chase is beginning to show. The pure jack-ass Chase that my employees at work detest. The Chase that society tends to shun because he's so "odd." As I take notes of my body's reaction to this lack of medication I've been on for over a year, its scary as well as intriguing to watch. I've noticed my brain is always in a daze, yet studying and comprehending several things at once. I've taken on an insane look in my eyes, and have absolutely no appetite, except for cigarettes, coffee and iced water. I've also been infested with some sort of terrible upper respiratory bacteria that is wreaking havoc on my body, which is not pleasant at all.
Serotonin is the chemical that our brain produces when we sleep. My brain, for some unknown reason, doesn't produce enough of this chemical which is causing the present effects that I'm noticing in my body, physically and mentally. This was dealt with in the past by supplementing a prescription drug into by body to preserve the balance. Now this drug has been ripped away. Add to that the fact that I have this upper respiratory infection which is affecting the little sleep that I get and you get the crazed maniac that I currently am.
This past week at work was almost an absolute hell. I love my job and everything it entails, but there have been a few confidential issues going on facility wide which is placing me in an unattractive spotlight currently. It's definitely true that when there's waves in upper management, those waves continue to ripple down to middle-lower management where I presently reside. The results aren't always pleasant, but situations like these can make or break a person's career and I'll be damned if I let this break me.
I also went to Austin again last weekend for a date and night on the town, and had the most absolute best night of my life. The company I had was phenomenal (I hope I've made a new friend for life), the night life, bar hopping and freedom was so exhilarating. I don't ever remember having that great of a time.
Driving back to Mexia yesterday though, a thought crossed my mind. Would moving to Austin for that reason actually be a wise decision right now? Would I be setting myself up for failure by living a life of reality versus what I see in television shows, movies and novels? Obviously unless you're an heiress like Paris Hilton, or some other well fortuned individual, the life of fun will not be consistent with the life of hardships that occur wherever a person lives. Would I actually, in doing what makes me happy right now, be the cause of hate, resentment and depression later in life? I absolutely do not want that to happen. As my real self oversees the parts that have been hidden for so long, I realize that I don't have a clue of what I want in life, besides to be happy. As a 24 year old, I don't know what I want to be when I "grow up." I don't know whether I want to live in a booming metro area, versus a solitary place that's rich with peace and quiet. I realize that just because I'm not living the same life that the 20-somethings I interacted with last weekend doesn't mean I'm not living. Also, just because I'm in a town of 6000 people doesn't mean I have to fit that small town mold that's so wildly encouraged in these parts. I proved that to myself last weekend by taking the trip down south and having the time of my life. So, as it appears right now, I haven't a clue what to do. I know I'm at least content right now, working in an awesome job, attending school still without the slightest idea of a major and supporting myself well enough that I am able to take those spontaneous trips and adventures that I find calling me every once in a while. I must be doing something right. Plus I can see my goals ahead of me. I can see that I want to write, I want to help people and I want to live the way that I want, not the way that the people in Mexia, or the people in Austin want me to live.
I'm a self supporting, intelligent 20 something guy with no major ties. I'm not interested in falling in love currently (if love exists) though I wouldn't knock it if it did happen to me because it would just be another mountain to climb. I've realized that I can be utterly physically attracted to someone, enjoy their personality and have great sex with them, and not commit myself to the priority of accepting the responsibility of an unconventional relationship that is required when this happens. I've always been a "romantic" personality type, but now I'm realizing that being a romantic isn't my only personality trait. The independence, creativity and humanitarian is also in there, and to make it work, there should be an equal balance of all these traits.
So we must ask; what's in store for Chase? To answer bluntly, I don't know. The lack or serotonin has handicapped my ability to fully focus and make future plans as I've always been prone to do. Right now I'm taking it one day at a time. I know that I want to further my education, my career and my living situations, but the how isn't as important as it's been in the past. I've been getting awesome, random ideas for novels and would love to begin working on them since being a published author is a long term goal that I have. I'm also watching the changes at my present company of employment and keeping an eye open for ways to advance and prove myself worthy. I've decided to continue school, without the idea of a major since I've already got enough hours completed for the equivalent of a master's degree and am going to take what appeals to me and if I have to get a bachelor's in general studies instead of a specific field, oh well. The idea of college anyways is to learn instead of creating a program. Maybe when I have the number of hours to be equivalent to a PhD, I'll have decided on a major and have the official piece of paper. Who's business is it besides my own anyway?
So to end this scattered post of ideas, I am still going to blog about whatever comes to mind. I will continue to pursue my career, education and getting a novel published. As for location, housing and lifestyle I think I'm going to sit back and watch, see what fate offers and make the decision on what's best for Chase. :o)
I've also been off my Paroxitine for about a week now, which means that my body is going through a major serotonin deficiency and withdrawal. The results, however have been so interesting in the fact that my creative, real side is emerging. The raw, realistic, somewhat morbid Chase is beginning to show. The pure jack-ass Chase that my employees at work detest. The Chase that society tends to shun because he's so "odd." As I take notes of my body's reaction to this lack of medication I've been on for over a year, its scary as well as intriguing to watch. I've noticed my brain is always in a daze, yet studying and comprehending several things at once. I've taken on an insane look in my eyes, and have absolutely no appetite, except for cigarettes, coffee and iced water. I've also been infested with some sort of terrible upper respiratory bacteria that is wreaking havoc on my body, which is not pleasant at all.
Serotonin is the chemical that our brain produces when we sleep. My brain, for some unknown reason, doesn't produce enough of this chemical which is causing the present effects that I'm noticing in my body, physically and mentally. This was dealt with in the past by supplementing a prescription drug into by body to preserve the balance. Now this drug has been ripped away. Add to that the fact that I have this upper respiratory infection which is affecting the little sleep that I get and you get the crazed maniac that I currently am.
This past week at work was almost an absolute hell. I love my job and everything it entails, but there have been a few confidential issues going on facility wide which is placing me in an unattractive spotlight currently. It's definitely true that when there's waves in upper management, those waves continue to ripple down to middle-lower management where I presently reside. The results aren't always pleasant, but situations like these can make or break a person's career and I'll be damned if I let this break me.
I also went to Austin again last weekend for a date and night on the town, and had the most absolute best night of my life. The company I had was phenomenal (I hope I've made a new friend for life), the night life, bar hopping and freedom was so exhilarating. I don't ever remember having that great of a time.
Driving back to Mexia yesterday though, a thought crossed my mind. Would moving to Austin for that reason actually be a wise decision right now? Would I be setting myself up for failure by living a life of reality versus what I see in television shows, movies and novels? Obviously unless you're an heiress like Paris Hilton, or some other well fortuned individual, the life of fun will not be consistent with the life of hardships that occur wherever a person lives. Would I actually, in doing what makes me happy right now, be the cause of hate, resentment and depression later in life? I absolutely do not want that to happen. As my real self oversees the parts that have been hidden for so long, I realize that I don't have a clue of what I want in life, besides to be happy. As a 24 year old, I don't know what I want to be when I "grow up." I don't know whether I want to live in a booming metro area, versus a solitary place that's rich with peace and quiet. I realize that just because I'm not living the same life that the 20-somethings I interacted with last weekend doesn't mean I'm not living. Also, just because I'm in a town of 6000 people doesn't mean I have to fit that small town mold that's so wildly encouraged in these parts. I proved that to myself last weekend by taking the trip down south and having the time of my life. So, as it appears right now, I haven't a clue what to do. I know I'm at least content right now, working in an awesome job, attending school still without the slightest idea of a major and supporting myself well enough that I am able to take those spontaneous trips and adventures that I find calling me every once in a while. I must be doing something right. Plus I can see my goals ahead of me. I can see that I want to write, I want to help people and I want to live the way that I want, not the way that the people in Mexia, or the people in Austin want me to live.
I'm a self supporting, intelligent 20 something guy with no major ties. I'm not interested in falling in love currently (if love exists) though I wouldn't knock it if it did happen to me because it would just be another mountain to climb. I've realized that I can be utterly physically attracted to someone, enjoy their personality and have great sex with them, and not commit myself to the priority of accepting the responsibility of an unconventional relationship that is required when this happens. I've always been a "romantic" personality type, but now I'm realizing that being a romantic isn't my only personality trait. The independence, creativity and humanitarian is also in there, and to make it work, there should be an equal balance of all these traits.
So we must ask; what's in store for Chase? To answer bluntly, I don't know. The lack or serotonin has handicapped my ability to fully focus and make future plans as I've always been prone to do. Right now I'm taking it one day at a time. I know that I want to further my education, my career and my living situations, but the how isn't as important as it's been in the past. I've been getting awesome, random ideas for novels and would love to begin working on them since being a published author is a long term goal that I have. I'm also watching the changes at my present company of employment and keeping an eye open for ways to advance and prove myself worthy. I've decided to continue school, without the idea of a major since I've already got enough hours completed for the equivalent of a master's degree and am going to take what appeals to me and if I have to get a bachelor's in general studies instead of a specific field, oh well. The idea of college anyways is to learn instead of creating a program. Maybe when I have the number of hours to be equivalent to a PhD, I'll have decided on a major and have the official piece of paper. Who's business is it besides my own anyway?
So to end this scattered post of ideas, I am still going to blog about whatever comes to mind. I will continue to pursue my career, education and getting a novel published. As for location, housing and lifestyle I think I'm going to sit back and watch, see what fate offers and make the decision on what's best for Chase. :o)
Friday, May 8, 2009
Ok! Here we go...
So I started a blog here! Still learning how to do everything. Probably also going to import some of my better myspace blogs over here also... Myspace is somewhat fading out, and blogspot seems to be a pretty good place to start a blog.... Hopefully I can learn more about the site, when I actually have time. Expect random blogs of all subjects, expect to learn alot about me... Anyways, we'll talk a little later.
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