Stephen
Stephen
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
Why won't you call me?
I saw you
In your tight ass rocker pants
You saw me too
I laughed
'Cause I was completely trashed
And I watched your
Ugly girlfriend
Sneer across the room
As if I really care
That she's here with you
All I know is...
Your my object of affection
My drug of choice
My sick obsession
Stephen
Why won't you call me?
I'm sitting here waiting
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
I'm feeling pathetic
I can't take rejection
Why won't you call me?
I've got guys
Waiting in a line
For me too play
My evil girly games
With all their minds
Just watch me
Got it down
To a simple art
Just bat my Eyes
Like this
And there's a broken heart
But somehow...
You turn the tables
What the hell
I can charm the pants of anyone else
But you
Stephen
Why won't you call me?
I'm sitting here waiting
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
I'm feeling pathetic
I can't take rejection
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
I'm thinking' that
Maybe
You might think I'm
Crazy
Is that why you won't
Call me
Steve
Don't you think I'm
Pretty
Do you not
Love me
Is that why you won't call me?
'Cause your my object of affection
My drug of choice
My sick obsession
I want to keep you as my pet to play with
And hide under my bed forever
Stephen
Why won't you call me?
I'm sitting here waiting
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
I'm feeling pathetic
I can't take rejection
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
I'll knit you a sweater
I want to wrap you up in my love
Forever
I will never let you go Stephen
I'll never let go
Stephen
Why won't you call me?
I'm sitting here waiting
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
I'm feeling pathetic
I can't take rejection
Why won't you call me?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6LGYsGZ_FM
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Trust and Betrayal
Betrayal, its everywhere. I'm beginning to think betrayal is one of humanity's most dominant traits. I'm no stranger to betrayal, on either side, but for some reason it always bothers me and more than usual lately.
This has been an extremely long week, mentally and physically. In addition to working 14-18 hours daily, I have been going through medication withdrawals, personal issues and thousands of other pains in the rear. I am suffering from a major lack of serotonin, and sleep deprivation on top of it just makes things more complicated.
While I still have millions of blessings I count on a daily basis, for some reason, the small things are bothering me, trust topping the list. My personality makes me a very trusting person. Though I cannot count the times I have been burned, I cannot seem to learn. The past month I have been betrayed so many times, in so many ways, yet I still let it get to me. You think you have a bond with someone, a connection. Whether this bond is by blood, love, companionship or even the fact that the 2 people have no-one else to bond with, it is never strong enough I've learned.
As I sit here wondering why, I begin to realize that it probably actually is human nature. The strongest urge a human has is to survive. It doesn't matter how you are connected to the person, whether friend, child, parent, lover, or any of that, your survival is ultimately what's most important. Though a person may deny this, say they will die for their loved ones, deep down inside the person is experiencing the urge to survive, despite what the conscious mind is saying.
Lets look at a common wild rabbit for instance. It has a nest of 3 babies. One day a snake comes into the nest to consume the baby rabbits. The parent will continuously try to save its offspring. It will do anything to distract the snake, to lead it out of the nest or whatever. If the snake doesn't go for the bait, eventually the rabbit will give up and save itself before it's eaten as well. The rabbit will NOT lay over it's babies and force the snake to eat it instead. Therefore the rabbit is betraying his offspring. He will make a conscious effort to save them, but when the going gets tough, the rabbit will give up to save himself and have another litter of babies the next mating season. Humans are a bit smarter than a common rabbit, but that survival urge is still inside. The conscious of a human being is strong enough to disguise the subconscious urge to survive. The parent will usually save the kid before himself, but he's got the IQ allowed to do this. If humans were on the same level as an animal, it would be very different.
I know that occasionally the subconscious urge will burst out and overwhelm. Imagine a person who cant swim being thrown in a deep pool. The urge to survive comes out enough that the person will struggle to breathe, and even grasp another person, forcing them underwater just to stay alive. Look back at huge tragedies that have occurred in history, there are so many instances of people fighting for themselves and betraying their fellow man, leaving him to whatever the consequences were, whether freezing on the Titanic, starving in the Great Depression or even in the fictional tragedies we read about and see on television.
How, you wonder, does this equate to betrayal of trust? It appears that people have the tendency to develop trusts just as fast as they break them. I don't know where this comes from though. Maybe its the desire to feel relevant? The age old question of "why was I created" plagues everyone at some time or another. Maybe it's the need for some sort of companionship? To know that you are not alone? I don't know, and all I do know is what I've experienced myself, and I don't even know the reasons for that.
Personally I develop trusts and bonds easily, and feel horrible when the other person violates that bond/trust. This has happened to me (and I'm guessing everyone else) millions of times. It's not always romantic, friendship or even being co-workers, but it still effects me negatively every time I am betrayed.
Some betrayals aren't even on purpose. You can't force someone to feel a certain way, and sometimes a person is guilty of reading too deep into a bond, and not realizing until that betrayal has surfaced and the person feels like a total loser. A person can't be forced to love someone else, though they still may like the person, but not have the exact mutual feelings.
The unintentional betrayal is horrible, but it compares nothing to the deliberate betrayal. Having someone manipulate you, use you and then hurt you without caring is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. A person devotes so much time, thought, energy into a bond with someone who they think can trust, and then they find out that it isn't mutual, they were used for affection, information, money, status or anything else, except for themselves and what's inside.
Betrayal is so common in the world, I wonder how there are any people left practicing humanity. You would think with the good Karma they submit, they wouldn't have to suffer so much, but from what I've observed, Karma doesn't care about all that.
I guess what I'm rambling about is just frustration. I tend to be a tender soul and it just breaks what heart I have left to see good people get hurt. I know what it feels to give your all to someone to improve their life and only get heartache in return, and people that's been practicing humanity their whole lives just shrug it off and go on to the next one and though you know they're hurting, they still give 100%. Those are people I admire and respect.
You can't force a person to feel or act a certain way, but you should just expect them to stop you before you invest your interest and heart in them. Personally I never am one to lead people on. There have been several great people that had an interest in me or my best interest, and I can't bear to lead them on, so I generally express my appreciation and send them on their way. Cruelness is not cute, but so many people out there tend to think it puts them above the rest.
This has been an extremely long week, mentally and physically. In addition to working 14-18 hours daily, I have been going through medication withdrawals, personal issues and thousands of other pains in the rear. I am suffering from a major lack of serotonin, and sleep deprivation on top of it just makes things more complicated.
While I still have millions of blessings I count on a daily basis, for some reason, the small things are bothering me, trust topping the list. My personality makes me a very trusting person. Though I cannot count the times I have been burned, I cannot seem to learn. The past month I have been betrayed so many times, in so many ways, yet I still let it get to me. You think you have a bond with someone, a connection. Whether this bond is by blood, love, companionship or even the fact that the 2 people have no-one else to bond with, it is never strong enough I've learned.
As I sit here wondering why, I begin to realize that it probably actually is human nature. The strongest urge a human has is to survive. It doesn't matter how you are connected to the person, whether friend, child, parent, lover, or any of that, your survival is ultimately what's most important. Though a person may deny this, say they will die for their loved ones, deep down inside the person is experiencing the urge to survive, despite what the conscious mind is saying.
Lets look at a common wild rabbit for instance. It has a nest of 3 babies. One day a snake comes into the nest to consume the baby rabbits. The parent will continuously try to save its offspring. It will do anything to distract the snake, to lead it out of the nest or whatever. If the snake doesn't go for the bait, eventually the rabbit will give up and save itself before it's eaten as well. The rabbit will NOT lay over it's babies and force the snake to eat it instead. Therefore the rabbit is betraying his offspring. He will make a conscious effort to save them, but when the going gets tough, the rabbit will give up to save himself and have another litter of babies the next mating season. Humans are a bit smarter than a common rabbit, but that survival urge is still inside. The conscious of a human being is strong enough to disguise the subconscious urge to survive. The parent will usually save the kid before himself, but he's got the IQ allowed to do this. If humans were on the same level as an animal, it would be very different.
I know that occasionally the subconscious urge will burst out and overwhelm. Imagine a person who cant swim being thrown in a deep pool. The urge to survive comes out enough that the person will struggle to breathe, and even grasp another person, forcing them underwater just to stay alive. Look back at huge tragedies that have occurred in history, there are so many instances of people fighting for themselves and betraying their fellow man, leaving him to whatever the consequences were, whether freezing on the Titanic, starving in the Great Depression or even in the fictional tragedies we read about and see on television.
How, you wonder, does this equate to betrayal of trust? It appears that people have the tendency to develop trusts just as fast as they break them. I don't know where this comes from though. Maybe its the desire to feel relevant? The age old question of "why was I created" plagues everyone at some time or another. Maybe it's the need for some sort of companionship? To know that you are not alone? I don't know, and all I do know is what I've experienced myself, and I don't even know the reasons for that.
Personally I develop trusts and bonds easily, and feel horrible when the other person violates that bond/trust. This has happened to me (and I'm guessing everyone else) millions of times. It's not always romantic, friendship or even being co-workers, but it still effects me negatively every time I am betrayed.
Some betrayals aren't even on purpose. You can't force someone to feel a certain way, and sometimes a person is guilty of reading too deep into a bond, and not realizing until that betrayal has surfaced and the person feels like a total loser. A person can't be forced to love someone else, though they still may like the person, but not have the exact mutual feelings.
The unintentional betrayal is horrible, but it compares nothing to the deliberate betrayal. Having someone manipulate you, use you and then hurt you without caring is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. A person devotes so much time, thought, energy into a bond with someone who they think can trust, and then they find out that it isn't mutual, they were used for affection, information, money, status or anything else, except for themselves and what's inside.
Betrayal is so common in the world, I wonder how there are any people left practicing humanity. You would think with the good Karma they submit, they wouldn't have to suffer so much, but from what I've observed, Karma doesn't care about all that.
I guess what I'm rambling about is just frustration. I tend to be a tender soul and it just breaks what heart I have left to see good people get hurt. I know what it feels to give your all to someone to improve their life and only get heartache in return, and people that's been practicing humanity their whole lives just shrug it off and go on to the next one and though you know they're hurting, they still give 100%. Those are people I admire and respect.
You can't force a person to feel or act a certain way, but you should just expect them to stop you before you invest your interest and heart in them. Personally I never am one to lead people on. There have been several great people that had an interest in me or my best interest, and I can't bear to lead them on, so I generally express my appreciation and send them on their way. Cruelness is not cute, but so many people out there tend to think it puts them above the rest.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Stressed Out
Uggh Stress.
The word that makes all of us cringe. What is it about it? Is it a natural human emotion, like anger, sadness, etc? What is it that makes us "stressed out?" We get the headache, the turning stomach or other symptoms. We become short tempered, forgetful and our tolerance levels hit rock bottom. Why do we "go crazy" when we become stressed?
I've learned a lot about stress in my latest years. From high school until the present, I've had all kinds of things stress me out. I'm a person that tends to stress easily. If something doesn't go the right way, it stays on my mind until its finally the only thing I am thinking and worrying about. Multiply that by 10 or more things, and you begin to wonder how a person can handle it.
I am a young, single, somewhat attractive male. I have no kids, a job, and a few bills I address every month. What, do you ask, do I have to stress about?
It is literally crazy. I am the type of person to stress about anything and everything. I handle stress so poorly that I take a daily medication to help me handle it better. If I see a piece of lint on someone's clothes, I will stress about that lint and let it consume my day if I don't stop myself. Imagine how I get when something serious happens...
This week has brought out the stress! Besides not having my meds refilled, I am required to work 6am-8 or 9pm every night this week due to monitors on campus. I am worried sick that something will be wrong with the home I manage, and I will lose my job, or worse, get publicly embarrassed. I'm still concerned about one of the individuals I provide services for, as well as the other guys on the home. I'm overworked and tired, not getting enough sleep at night, which heightens my stress level.
Besides that my personal life also sucks and I am still stressing over buying a house. Once I buy the right house, then I have a bunch of other things planned, but cannot fulfill them until I buy the house, which I wont be able to do until I get some other things done. *sigh*
So why, I wonder, does a person stress. At the time I am healthy, financially stable, I have a car, a place to live, food to eat, and even go out to have fun sometimes. Honestly my life rocks. Is there some little "stress monster" that lives in a human being to make him act wacko? Are these stress monsters bigger in some people than others? What is the deal? Maybe its just human nature to stress. Maybe it hidden fear that one may lose everything. Maybe I just have the primal need to feel relevance. Its so confusing and any medical resource I consult doesn't really give a reason that stress exists, only what it is and what causes it.
So, until I find a reasonable, effective coping mechanism, I am simply stuck as a stresser. I am constantly learning and growing every day, so maybe this way to cope will develop as I grow older. Sometimes I stress that it wont, and one day I'll officially lose my mind, but I can't be sure and that stresses me out.
For the time being I am just going to advise you not to stress. This may be impossible, but don't let the possibility stress you out.
The word that makes all of us cringe. What is it about it? Is it a natural human emotion, like anger, sadness, etc? What is it that makes us "stressed out?" We get the headache, the turning stomach or other symptoms. We become short tempered, forgetful and our tolerance levels hit rock bottom. Why do we "go crazy" when we become stressed?
I've learned a lot about stress in my latest years. From high school until the present, I've had all kinds of things stress me out. I'm a person that tends to stress easily. If something doesn't go the right way, it stays on my mind until its finally the only thing I am thinking and worrying about. Multiply that by 10 or more things, and you begin to wonder how a person can handle it.
I am a young, single, somewhat attractive male. I have no kids, a job, and a few bills I address every month. What, do you ask, do I have to stress about?
It is literally crazy. I am the type of person to stress about anything and everything. I handle stress so poorly that I take a daily medication to help me handle it better. If I see a piece of lint on someone's clothes, I will stress about that lint and let it consume my day if I don't stop myself. Imagine how I get when something serious happens...
This week has brought out the stress! Besides not having my meds refilled, I am required to work 6am-8 or 9pm every night this week due to monitors on campus. I am worried sick that something will be wrong with the home I manage, and I will lose my job, or worse, get publicly embarrassed. I'm still concerned about one of the individuals I provide services for, as well as the other guys on the home. I'm overworked and tired, not getting enough sleep at night, which heightens my stress level.
Besides that my personal life also sucks and I am still stressing over buying a house. Once I buy the right house, then I have a bunch of other things planned, but cannot fulfill them until I buy the house, which I wont be able to do until I get some other things done. *sigh*
So why, I wonder, does a person stress. At the time I am healthy, financially stable, I have a car, a place to live, food to eat, and even go out to have fun sometimes. Honestly my life rocks. Is there some little "stress monster" that lives in a human being to make him act wacko? Are these stress monsters bigger in some people than others? What is the deal? Maybe its just human nature to stress. Maybe it hidden fear that one may lose everything. Maybe I just have the primal need to feel relevance. Its so confusing and any medical resource I consult doesn't really give a reason that stress exists, only what it is and what causes it.
So, until I find a reasonable, effective coping mechanism, I am simply stuck as a stresser. I am constantly learning and growing every day, so maybe this way to cope will develop as I grow older. Sometimes I stress that it wont, and one day I'll officially lose my mind, but I can't be sure and that stresses me out.
For the time being I am just going to advise you not to stress. This may be impossible, but don't let the possibility stress you out.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Just a catch up
Ugggh Its Tuesday. The Court Monitors will be at MSSLC all week, and I am stressed to the point of no return. Usually I don't stress out when we have monitors on campus, but this is the first time they've been here since I've been a supervisor responsible for staff, which makes a big difference. I am looking forward to Friday when the monitors do their exits and we find out whether we're doing good or bad.
I'm also worried about one of the guys that reside on my home at work. I do my best to try not to show preferential treatment, but when you work with people 12-16 hours a day or 70+ hours a week they become like a member of your family, especially when you spend more time with them than with your actual family. You develop bonds, and honestly have the need to assure they're healthy and happy, at least I do. I love my job, but sometimes I'm afraid I take my present position too personally. I've been informed of a couple of positions on campus that may benefit me in the future, but am just taking opportunities as they come. That would free up some time to pursue some other personal interests. Oh well though, its just something else to process.
Besides that, life is going great. I have lost even more weight, and am down to 175, which is like 20lbs lighter than I was 3 weeks ago. I love my Adderall. My Dr better have my prescription ready today. I am still a cigarette, coffee and sometimes vodka addict. Those are my main vices, and they are in the process of being phased out. I definitely am feeling better due to the better meds and healthier lifestyle. I am only eating once a day and am usually in bed by 8:30 or 9:00pm and wake up at 4:30am every morning to come into work. This has balanced me out mentally, as well as filling up my bank account which I love. I am still in the process of house shopping and have another plan or two for the future, which will take care of several issues at once. So excited.
So besides that, there really isn't anything to blog about. My life is devoted to my work and that is what is taking up most of my time right now. I'm curious to see how everything turns out when the court monitors leave and what changes MSSLC will have to make.
I'm also worried about one of the guys that reside on my home at work. I do my best to try not to show preferential treatment, but when you work with people 12-16 hours a day or 70+ hours a week they become like a member of your family, especially when you spend more time with them than with your actual family. You develop bonds, and honestly have the need to assure they're healthy and happy, at least I do. I love my job, but sometimes I'm afraid I take my present position too personally. I've been informed of a couple of positions on campus that may benefit me in the future, but am just taking opportunities as they come. That would free up some time to pursue some other personal interests. Oh well though, its just something else to process.
Besides that, life is going great. I have lost even more weight, and am down to 175, which is like 20lbs lighter than I was 3 weeks ago. I love my Adderall. My Dr better have my prescription ready today. I am still a cigarette, coffee and sometimes vodka addict. Those are my main vices, and they are in the process of being phased out. I definitely am feeling better due to the better meds and healthier lifestyle. I am only eating once a day and am usually in bed by 8:30 or 9:00pm and wake up at 4:30am every morning to come into work. This has balanced me out mentally, as well as filling up my bank account which I love. I am still in the process of house shopping and have another plan or two for the future, which will take care of several issues at once. So excited.
So besides that, there really isn't anything to blog about. My life is devoted to my work and that is what is taking up most of my time right now. I'm curious to see how everything turns out when the court monitors leave and what changes MSSLC will have to make.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
10 things about SEX
Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is
sexually active or not?
..
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when men make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
..
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
..
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
..
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than
swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
..
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you
with a feeling of well-being.
..
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.
These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
..
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
..
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
..
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
..
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
sexually active or not?
..
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when men make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
..
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
..
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
..
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than
swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
..
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you
with a feeling of well-being.
..
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.
These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
..
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
..
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
..
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
..
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
Snakes on a... sink? (A repost)
Per some requests I received, here is a repost of a blog I wrote a few years ago about an incident I had one Memorial Day in the past. It was a very traumatic experience, but since so many found humor in it, I decided to repost it.
Enjoy
kcs
xox
As I was walking towards the front door, I saw something move in front of the door to the laundry room. Upon closer inspection, I found that it was a 6 foot long chicken snake!!!! Now I, like everyone else in Texas, know that a chicken snake is not venemous at all, they are just super mean and aggressive, but after being bitten by a copperhead a few months ago, I have a terrible fear of all kinds of snakes.
Well the snake saw me about the same time I saw him. He jumped into a tight coil and began hissing with his mouth wide open, and shaking his tail like a rattle snake. I was still kind of shocked about seeing a snake IN the house, however I soon came to my senses, screamed like a little bitch and grabbed a golf club that was being stored in the broom closet for some reason and commensed to swinging!
Out of all the swinging I was doing with the golf club I finally made contact with the big mo'fo's head. When the club hit him, he went crazy and began lunging towards me, causing me to scream like a little bitch again, and run towards the living room to hide, since he was blocking the front door.
After chasing me about 5 feet, he made a turn and headed towards the bathroom, where he went and actually climbed on top of the sink and tried to climb up the wall. By then I was kind of feeling sorry for him, and about hitting him. I figured he was scared because he got in the house accidentally and did not want to tangle with me. (It turns out the dryer hose that vents outside had come loose, which is how he got in. He was probably just looking for a cool spot and thought that he was going in a hole or something.)
Anyways, I decided I was just going to try to get him out of the bathroom and get him outside where he could eat some bees or something. When I peeked in the bathroom door, he was up on the sink, actually standing with about a foot of his body standing vertical. When he saw me, he automatically began hissing at me and as I shut the door, the little monster lunged at me, flying across the bathroom and luckilly I closed the door and he made contact with it, instead of me.
Well after that, any sorryness I was feeling for that bitch died right then and there. I ran to the kitchen, threw open the cabinet under the sink and began to look for something to give that bastard a long suffering death with. What I ended up with was a half-full can of oven cleaner spray, which I guessed would have to do. I ran back to the bathroom and was ready for him!
When I opened the door, I saw that he had moved from the sink to the toilet, which lucky for me, was out of his jumping range. I guess he realized he was too far away to jump too, because when he saw me, he stood up again, but instead of jumping, he was just hissing and striking.
I made my move. As soon as he opened his mouth I gave him a good dose of oven cleaner. After emptying the can into his mouth, I watched and waited... Unfortunately there was no difference besides him getting madder. I knew this attempt was fruitless and I needed to get stronger poison.
After I securely locked him in the bathroom, and barricaded the door, I jumped into my car and headed to town. I pulled up to the dollar store and bought $10 work of all kinds of pest "bombs" and "foggers." I then headed back home (after a detour throught the Dairy Queen, where I ordered a LARGE Reeses Blizzard b/c I was stressed.)
After I got back home, I acted like an assassin and threw 6 pest bombs in the bathroom (the directions said I only needed 1, but I wanted to be sure.) While I was murdering the snake, I went into my bedroom and ate my ice cream and checked my e-mail.
After about 45 minutes, I went to check my victim... That heinous bitch was still alive and looked like he was setting the bathroom up as his own personal bedroom, moving things around. I could only observe him for about a minute because the fumes from the pesticide were making me dizzy.
I decided that this fight had to end. It was starting to get dark outside by then and I knew I had to get rid of the little pest in the bathroom. I went outside and got a shovel...
To skip all the gore, after a 15 minute fight, I emerged bleeding with a dead snake draped over the end of the shovel. My knuckle had gotten scraped up pretty bad, but I was alive and he was dead. The snake barely had a head left... I walked outside and hung him on the fence, it rained the next day...
Enjoy
kcs
xox
Snakes on a... sink?
Thursday, May 28, 2008
So, this is a story of something that happened to me on Memorial Day. Since I have no kind of life whatsoever, I decided to stay at the house all day to celebrate the holiday and just "chill-ax." Well I took an early nap that lasted until about 3:00pm. When I awoke, I had the strangest urge for a blizzard from the Dairy Queen, so I got dressed (in some scanty atheletic clothes) and grabbed the car keys and got ready to head to town.As I was walking towards the front door, I saw something move in front of the door to the laundry room. Upon closer inspection, I found that it was a 6 foot long chicken snake!!!! Now I, like everyone else in Texas, know that a chicken snake is not venemous at all, they are just super mean and aggressive, but after being bitten by a copperhead a few months ago, I have a terrible fear of all kinds of snakes.
Well the snake saw me about the same time I saw him. He jumped into a tight coil and began hissing with his mouth wide open, and shaking his tail like a rattle snake. I was still kind of shocked about seeing a snake IN the house, however I soon came to my senses, screamed like a little bitch and grabbed a golf club that was being stored in the broom closet for some reason and commensed to swinging!
Out of all the swinging I was doing with the golf club I finally made contact with the big mo'fo's head. When the club hit him, he went crazy and began lunging towards me, causing me to scream like a little bitch again, and run towards the living room to hide, since he was blocking the front door.
After chasing me about 5 feet, he made a turn and headed towards the bathroom, where he went and actually climbed on top of the sink and tried to climb up the wall. By then I was kind of feeling sorry for him, and about hitting him. I figured he was scared because he got in the house accidentally and did not want to tangle with me. (It turns out the dryer hose that vents outside had come loose, which is how he got in. He was probably just looking for a cool spot and thought that he was going in a hole or something.)
Anyways, I decided I was just going to try to get him out of the bathroom and get him outside where he could eat some bees or something. When I peeked in the bathroom door, he was up on the sink, actually standing with about a foot of his body standing vertical. When he saw me, he automatically began hissing at me and as I shut the door, the little monster lunged at me, flying across the bathroom and luckilly I closed the door and he made contact with it, instead of me.
Well after that, any sorryness I was feeling for that bitch died right then and there. I ran to the kitchen, threw open the cabinet under the sink and began to look for something to give that bastard a long suffering death with. What I ended up with was a half-full can of oven cleaner spray, which I guessed would have to do. I ran back to the bathroom and was ready for him!
When I opened the door, I saw that he had moved from the sink to the toilet, which lucky for me, was out of his jumping range. I guess he realized he was too far away to jump too, because when he saw me, he stood up again, but instead of jumping, he was just hissing and striking.
I made my move. As soon as he opened his mouth I gave him a good dose of oven cleaner. After emptying the can into his mouth, I watched and waited... Unfortunately there was no difference besides him getting madder. I knew this attempt was fruitless and I needed to get stronger poison.
After I securely locked him in the bathroom, and barricaded the door, I jumped into my car and headed to town. I pulled up to the dollar store and bought $10 work of all kinds of pest "bombs" and "foggers." I then headed back home (after a detour throught the Dairy Queen, where I ordered a LARGE Reeses Blizzard b/c I was stressed.)
After I got back home, I acted like an assassin and threw 6 pest bombs in the bathroom (the directions said I only needed 1, but I wanted to be sure.) While I was murdering the snake, I went into my bedroom and ate my ice cream and checked my e-mail.
After about 45 minutes, I went to check my victim... That heinous bitch was still alive and looked like he was setting the bathroom up as his own personal bedroom, moving things around. I could only observe him for about a minute because the fumes from the pesticide were making me dizzy.
I decided that this fight had to end. It was starting to get dark outside by then and I knew I had to get rid of the little pest in the bathroom. I went outside and got a shovel...
To skip all the gore, after a 15 minute fight, I emerged bleeding with a dead snake draped over the end of the shovel. My knuckle had gotten scraped up pretty bad, but I was alive and he was dead. The snake barely had a head left... I walked outside and hung him on the fence, it rained the next day...
Thursday, March 18, 2010
It's just one of those days
Its one of those days where I want to just lay around and forget about the world. The last 3 weeks of work have been hell, and though I love my job and my facility, a superior is super stressed and I get to be the one that it is taken out on. I have been working my ass off, coming in at 5:30am every day and not leaving until 7 or 8pm. I have gotten several compliments on my performance, the home I manage as well as the positive changes I have made. Somehow though, I'm the "whipping boy." I am told that my home is the worst and my staff are the worst. This has led me to believe that obviously, I must be the worst manager. I've been in my position for 4 months now. I'm the only male, I'm the only one who was not an original "shift supervisor," and my home is the largest on campus, with the most diverse group of individuals. I don't believe its the worst, but I do believe that this superior has something against my home, and not necessarily me in general.
Usually I let this kind of stuff go right over me. I guess I'm just tired or frustrated or a combo of both from listening to the nagging about how terrible my home is and how its MY fault. Anyway after the countless hours I've spent training, teaching and disciplining these children they send me as staff, I have finally reached a breaking point.
Continued 03/19/10
My morning shift is so awesome! They are on the ball and do everything they're supposed to most of the time. My night shift is "so-so." They need some extra work, but aren't terrible. My evening shift though; that's where the problems are. I've done correcting, tracking and many things to get them in shape, yet they still slack. As a manager I only ask my staff to give me 8 hours of their day, 5 days a week. On this 8 hours I expect them to work. When they accepted the job and salary, they accepted the duties in the job description. Its that simple. I have finally reached the point where there's zero tolerance. No more reminding, no more second chances. They know what they're supposed to do, and know they're expected to do it. They go through 2 weeks paid training to learn the policy and procedure of the facility, and then are mentored for 3 days to learn their specific home and unit. It's like there's no professionalism anymore. If 5 or 6 of them have go for the rest of them to learn, so be it. I care about my job and career, and I refuse to let employees only out for a paycheck ruin my future and label me as a bad manager. Simple.
I had a meeting yesterday with my supervisor regarding these issues, and I think she finally understands that I am busting my ass trying to be the best. She gave me advice and hopefully now understands that I am on top of things. I informed her that if the only way I can be effective is to be a jack ass, so be it. I'm a new, young manager so sometimes they may try to get by me. I've just got to prove that I'm on top of things and not playing around. I'm ready to make some improvements, and they better get with it or get gone.
Usually I let this kind of stuff go right over me. I guess I'm just tired or frustrated or a combo of both from listening to the nagging about how terrible my home is and how its MY fault. Anyway after the countless hours I've spent training, teaching and disciplining these children they send me as staff, I have finally reached a breaking point.
Continued 03/19/10
My morning shift is so awesome! They are on the ball and do everything they're supposed to most of the time. My night shift is "so-so." They need some extra work, but aren't terrible. My evening shift though; that's where the problems are. I've done correcting, tracking and many things to get them in shape, yet they still slack. As a manager I only ask my staff to give me 8 hours of their day, 5 days a week. On this 8 hours I expect them to work. When they accepted the job and salary, they accepted the duties in the job description. Its that simple. I have finally reached the point where there's zero tolerance. No more reminding, no more second chances. They know what they're supposed to do, and know they're expected to do it. They go through 2 weeks paid training to learn the policy and procedure of the facility, and then are mentored for 3 days to learn their specific home and unit. It's like there's no professionalism anymore. If 5 or 6 of them have go for the rest of them to learn, so be it. I care about my job and career, and I refuse to let employees only out for a paycheck ruin my future and label me as a bad manager. Simple.
I had a meeting yesterday with my supervisor regarding these issues, and I think she finally understands that I am busting my ass trying to be the best. She gave me advice and hopefully now understands that I am on top of things. I informed her that if the only way I can be effective is to be a jack ass, so be it. I'm a new, young manager so sometimes they may try to get by me. I've just got to prove that I'm on top of things and not playing around. I'm ready to make some improvements, and they better get with it or get gone.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Life and Changes. Who am I?
So, its been a few weeks since my last post...
When I last posted, I had just gotten out of the hospital with a collapsed lung and surgery on my tailbone. I was resting up, making plans and making changes.
I started to realize that I was becoming one of those people that I pitied. One of those routine, predictable people that, according to me, had no life.
I decided to begin living on the edge of life, partying every week(end) and taking risks and not giving a damn. I was driving 200 miles to Austin for the atmosphere and company, then hitting up Waco and Dallas when I partied locally. I said "screw Mexia and any town where the bars close at midnight!" My life was a blur. I began job searching in south Texas. I wanted to get away from everything dull and drab and be someone new. I realized in November I will be in my official "mid-twenties" and thirty gets closer every day. I was losing my sanity, I hit the highway of life and was heading head on, 120kmh in the wrong lane.
Before I knew it, I couldn't keep up with myself. I was beginning to become one of the people I envisioned as fabulous and that I envied. One of those people that didn't think life was worth living unless you were living in the fire. I barely recognized myself. I was changing. I was losing Chase. I realized that it was an awesome lifestyle, one I enjoyed. I also realized that it was one that I couldn't live forever. I realized that eventually I was going to be running 120kmh in the wrong lane, and end up crashing and burning.
I began to understand that I love the city of Austin, but if I moved there it may lose its magic to me. I realized that I was comfortable in Mexia. It wasn't my most favorite place to be, but I have a car, and when I get ready I can drive anywhere I want to. I can keep Austin magical [or weird] and visit whenever, and still be fresh to that awesome city that I've fallen in love with.
I began to realize that I love my facility and job. That I could have a life here. It may be harder to accomplish, but I could make it grand and "rockstar-ish." Also, maybe I would be ok with that.
Finally I began to focus on the now. I realize I've always been "different" than my peers, that I was interested in different things. I'm not interested in finding the love of my life, having kids and a house in the cul-de-sac. My focus was different. I have drive and ambition to succeed. I want a career! I want to get back in school! I want to change people's lives for the good!
Suddenly I threw myself head first into life. I drew out what I had, what I wanted and what I needed. I began working more overtime. Though it meant that I had to party less, I soon realized that my budget, checking account and performance at work were all increasing. I began house shopping, taking care of personal business and actually practicing humanity. My doctor had prescribed better medication to focus on my serotonin deficiency and ADD. I found out that (with Adderall) I could focus, accomplish things and get ahead in my projects. I began to finish personal projects that I started last year. I began to lose weight from keeping busy and the lack of appetite the Adderall initiated. 15 lbs lighter, I now feel better about my looks, my finances, my projects and my job.
I began working with my guys that live on my home at work. One gentleman in particular I've gotten to know and developed a somewhat paternal/fraternal bond with and hopefully am positively changing his life, which is making me want to help improve so many more lives.
I read up on this guy and then got to know him personally. He is now one of my favorite people in the world. If I, Mr. "Never be a parent," were to have paternal feelings, I would understand what it feels like now. I began to understand that many people didn't have the best of life growing up, but I could help him and others I encounter in life have the best of the rest of their lives. Every human deserves to be acknowledged, happy and cared for. I've developed a stronger sense of empathy, and once I put myself in another's place, I realize how good I've got it (or had it or will have it) and that everyone deserves that. Life is meant to be abundant with love and happiness. Just because someone has a disability, shady history or is different from you, they still feel. As people, I have found its important to share good feelings, and let people know that they have someone "in their corner" and that you "have their back." Who knows, you may give them a compliment that is the first one they've gotten in years. Even someone you meet on the street, work with, or work for. Maybe the clerk in the store, your neighbor or your insurance agent. Humanity is something that all humans have in common. I've learned this, just by doing my job.
I realize that helping improve lives is the field of work that I belong in, and though I'll never be a millionaire, I'll finally have that sense of completion that I didn't have before. What I'm doing with my life is worth something and will improve the quality of someone else's life which makes me feel that I've done something worth living for. It's made me interested in pursuing a MS in Social Work as well, which I never cared for before. Its funny that I took this position for the money, the experience and the recognition of being a good employee, and have ended up so engrossed in my work (not just job) that I could care less about those previous things.
My life has totally turned around. Though that bit of "spicy" Chase is still here, it's not overwhelming and I am finding a balance between wild and boring. I still party and have fun, but I have developed a purpose to living. Its mystifying to learn more as I travel into adulthood.
This topic wasn't even what I meant to write about, but I guess it's what was on my mind. I have the need to share empathy with others, and I try to improve someones life because everyone deserves happiness. No-one was born to suffer.
When I last posted, I had just gotten out of the hospital with a collapsed lung and surgery on my tailbone. I was resting up, making plans and making changes.
I started to realize that I was becoming one of those people that I pitied. One of those routine, predictable people that, according to me, had no life.
I decided to begin living on the edge of life, partying every week(end) and taking risks and not giving a damn. I was driving 200 miles to Austin for the atmosphere and company, then hitting up Waco and Dallas when I partied locally. I said "screw Mexia and any town where the bars close at midnight!" My life was a blur. I began job searching in south Texas. I wanted to get away from everything dull and drab and be someone new. I realized in November I will be in my official "mid-twenties" and thirty gets closer every day. I was losing my sanity, I hit the highway of life and was heading head on, 120kmh in the wrong lane.
Before I knew it, I couldn't keep up with myself. I was beginning to become one of the people I envisioned as fabulous and that I envied. One of those people that didn't think life was worth living unless you were living in the fire. I barely recognized myself. I was changing. I was losing Chase. I realized that it was an awesome lifestyle, one I enjoyed. I also realized that it was one that I couldn't live forever. I realized that eventually I was going to be running 120kmh in the wrong lane, and end up crashing and burning.
I began to understand that I love the city of Austin, but if I moved there it may lose its magic to me. I realized that I was comfortable in Mexia. It wasn't my most favorite place to be, but I have a car, and when I get ready I can drive anywhere I want to. I can keep Austin magical [or weird] and visit whenever, and still be fresh to that awesome city that I've fallen in love with.
I began to realize that I love my facility and job. That I could have a life here. It may be harder to accomplish, but I could make it grand and "rockstar-ish." Also, maybe I would be ok with that.
Finally I began to focus on the now. I realize I've always been "different" than my peers, that I was interested in different things. I'm not interested in finding the love of my life, having kids and a house in the cul-de-sac. My focus was different. I have drive and ambition to succeed. I want a career! I want to get back in school! I want to change people's lives for the good!
Suddenly I threw myself head first into life. I drew out what I had, what I wanted and what I needed. I began working more overtime. Though it meant that I had to party less, I soon realized that my budget, checking account and performance at work were all increasing. I began house shopping, taking care of personal business and actually practicing humanity. My doctor had prescribed better medication to focus on my serotonin deficiency and ADD. I found out that (with Adderall) I could focus, accomplish things and get ahead in my projects. I began to finish personal projects that I started last year. I began to lose weight from keeping busy and the lack of appetite the Adderall initiated. 15 lbs lighter, I now feel better about my looks, my finances, my projects and my job.
I began working with my guys that live on my home at work. One gentleman in particular I've gotten to know and developed a somewhat paternal/fraternal bond with and hopefully am positively changing his life, which is making me want to help improve so many more lives.
I read up on this guy and then got to know him personally. He is now one of my favorite people in the world. If I, Mr. "Never be a parent," were to have paternal feelings, I would understand what it feels like now. I began to understand that many people didn't have the best of life growing up, but I could help him and others I encounter in life have the best of the rest of their lives. Every human deserves to be acknowledged, happy and cared for. I've developed a stronger sense of empathy, and once I put myself in another's place, I realize how good I've got it (or had it or will have it) and that everyone deserves that. Life is meant to be abundant with love and happiness. Just because someone has a disability, shady history or is different from you, they still feel. As people, I have found its important to share good feelings, and let people know that they have someone "in their corner" and that you "have their back." Who knows, you may give them a compliment that is the first one they've gotten in years. Even someone you meet on the street, work with, or work for. Maybe the clerk in the store, your neighbor or your insurance agent. Humanity is something that all humans have in common. I've learned this, just by doing my job.
I realize that helping improve lives is the field of work that I belong in, and though I'll never be a millionaire, I'll finally have that sense of completion that I didn't have before. What I'm doing with my life is worth something and will improve the quality of someone else's life which makes me feel that I've done something worth living for. It's made me interested in pursuing a MS in Social Work as well, which I never cared for before. Its funny that I took this position for the money, the experience and the recognition of being a good employee, and have ended up so engrossed in my work (not just job) that I could care less about those previous things.
My life has totally turned around. Though that bit of "spicy" Chase is still here, it's not overwhelming and I am finding a balance between wild and boring. I still party and have fun, but I have developed a purpose to living. Its mystifying to learn more as I travel into adulthood.
This topic wasn't even what I meant to write about, but I guess it's what was on my mind. I have the need to share empathy with others, and I try to improve someones life because everyone deserves happiness. No-one was born to suffer.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
And my body falls to pieces
Ok, so here's a blog to let everyone know what's been going on with me the past few days.
Following my awesome trip to Austin last week, I began noticing that I was having some upper chest/head congestion which I just attributed to the changing weather, allergies in the air and whatever. I also realized that I was getting ANOTHER staph infection, this time below my tailbone in a very unpleasant spot.
Since I've now been back with the State of Texas for 3 months, my health insurance has kicked in and I decided to get it checked out. I had been planning a med review anyway to see if there is anything I can do to help with my ADD and serotonin deficiency which has been causing anxiety attacks, and since my ass felt like it was falling off and my chest felt like it was full of fluid, I made an appointment with a local MD and decided to get to the root of these problems.
Upon visiting the Dr, she was most concerned with my airflow and chest, which was my least worry. She urged me to go to Parkview Regional Hospital asap, and even had a bed reserved there. At first I resisted, knowing I have too much to do, but after concurring with my mother, who acts as if I'm 4 years old and cannot make my own decision, I ended up at PRH, with plans to transfer to a larger hospital once everything was stabilized in Mexia. (My doctor had originally said I'd only be there 2 days anyways.) My first night there (Wednesday) I had several chest xrays, gallons of blood drawn, 2 ivs put in and was treated as if I was dying. My O2 stats dropped down to 81 when I was sleeping so they freaked out over that and stuck a nasal cannula in my nose, as well as implementing breathing treatments every 4 hours. I finally made it through Wednesday night, though not in the brightest of moods. My cigarettes had been stripped from me, I was stuffed in that little bed and was suffering from heartburn on top of that. Vicodin was the only thing that kept me sane, in an insane way that night.
Thursday morning I awoke in a better mood though. I was to have the staph infection on my butt lanced and drained, my chest consults were to be discussed and hopefully I was to be discharged to return home and get back into my groove of things. Well it turned out that the butt infection was so deep that I was to be put to sleep so they could clean it down to the bone. The infection had spread to by bloodstream so I was facing a staph caused death if it didn't get attended to fast enough, and my lung xrays weren't good enough so I had to go to have a chest ct scan to figure out while I couldn't breathe from my right lung.
The surgery went fine except I was catheterized without my consent, and didn't know until I arose a couple of hours later to urinate and about passed out from the pain. I was leaking discharge out of the lesion on my behind, so they stuck maxi pads on my ass to drain it and I was given another IV in my other arm to have tracing dye placed in my blood. All of this done, no cigarettes or coffee for over 24 hours and I was a nervous, jackass wreck. I demanded to be released and at least transferred to another facility, but it turned out that Providence would not accept me as a patient since PRH was doing the exact same thing in Mexia.
Eff them I said. At least my nurses were taking care of me, and all the PRH staff with exception of one evil hag (who has been addressed) were all so kind to me.
So as results came in on the lungs, it turns out that there was no airflow in my right lung because the bish has decided to semi collapse like an accordion. There was also the chance of some lung cancer and COPD, but I'm not worried about it. I have a history of weak lungs since I've had pneumonia years ago, and I guess my obsession with my precious cigarettes don't help much. Basically I was told I had to quit smoking or die. Still haven't made that decision yet though. lol
I have been put on so many meds though. Besides my normal paroxitine, I have also had Klonapin implemented, vicodin for pain, something else for the muscular esophageal spasms I've been having and several asthma meds. Welbutrin has also been implemented in dealing with the quitting smoking and withdrawal depression that comes from it. If it doesn't work I guess I'll switch to Chantix. I'd love to be a social smoker, but I don't know if my personality type can handle it right now. I finally got my adderall, which is a life saver since much of my smoking was due to excess energy. So since I'm heavily medicated, the chance of me going on a murderous rampage right now is low, and I'm planning on just getting back into my healthy routine and figuring out what is good for Chase. I keep using the money I'll save on cigarettes as an incentive to quit smoking.
The main thing is that I don't sacrifice my quality of life for my length of life. I've seen so many people give up happiness, just to have more days of misery on earth, which doesn't appeal to me at all. I have a bucket list that I'm working on, but when it's time for me to go out, I plan to do it well!
Thanks so much for the well wishes I've been getting. Even though I'm one of the strangest ppl in the world, the people who care about me rock my socks and as I learn more about my disease(s) I will keep yall informed of the drama and shiz.
Following my awesome trip to Austin last week, I began noticing that I was having some upper chest/head congestion which I just attributed to the changing weather, allergies in the air and whatever. I also realized that I was getting ANOTHER staph infection, this time below my tailbone in a very unpleasant spot.
Since I've now been back with the State of Texas for 3 months, my health insurance has kicked in and I decided to get it checked out. I had been planning a med review anyway to see if there is anything I can do to help with my ADD and serotonin deficiency which has been causing anxiety attacks, and since my ass felt like it was falling off and my chest felt like it was full of fluid, I made an appointment with a local MD and decided to get to the root of these problems.
Upon visiting the Dr, she was most concerned with my airflow and chest, which was my least worry. She urged me to go to Parkview Regional Hospital asap, and even had a bed reserved there. At first I resisted, knowing I have too much to do, but after concurring with my mother, who acts as if I'm 4 years old and cannot make my own decision, I ended up at PRH, with plans to transfer to a larger hospital once everything was stabilized in Mexia. (My doctor had originally said I'd only be there 2 days anyways.) My first night there (Wednesday) I had several chest xrays, gallons of blood drawn, 2 ivs put in and was treated as if I was dying. My O2 stats dropped down to 81 when I was sleeping so they freaked out over that and stuck a nasal cannula in my nose, as well as implementing breathing treatments every 4 hours. I finally made it through Wednesday night, though not in the brightest of moods. My cigarettes had been stripped from me, I was stuffed in that little bed and was suffering from heartburn on top of that. Vicodin was the only thing that kept me sane, in an insane way that night.
Thursday morning I awoke in a better mood though. I was to have the staph infection on my butt lanced and drained, my chest consults were to be discussed and hopefully I was to be discharged to return home and get back into my groove of things. Well it turned out that the butt infection was so deep that I was to be put to sleep so they could clean it down to the bone. The infection had spread to by bloodstream so I was facing a staph caused death if it didn't get attended to fast enough, and my lung xrays weren't good enough so I had to go to have a chest ct scan to figure out while I couldn't breathe from my right lung.
The surgery went fine except I was catheterized without my consent, and didn't know until I arose a couple of hours later to urinate and about passed out from the pain. I was leaking discharge out of the lesion on my behind, so they stuck maxi pads on my ass to drain it and I was given another IV in my other arm to have tracing dye placed in my blood. All of this done, no cigarettes or coffee for over 24 hours and I was a nervous, jackass wreck. I demanded to be released and at least transferred to another facility, but it turned out that Providence would not accept me as a patient since PRH was doing the exact same thing in Mexia.
Eff them I said. At least my nurses were taking care of me, and all the PRH staff with exception of one evil hag (who has been addressed) were all so kind to me.
So as results came in on the lungs, it turns out that there was no airflow in my right lung because the bish has decided to semi collapse like an accordion. There was also the chance of some lung cancer and COPD, but I'm not worried about it. I have a history of weak lungs since I've had pneumonia years ago, and I guess my obsession with my precious cigarettes don't help much. Basically I was told I had to quit smoking or die. Still haven't made that decision yet though. lol
I have been put on so many meds though. Besides my normal paroxitine, I have also had Klonapin implemented, vicodin for pain, something else for the muscular esophageal spasms I've been having and several asthma meds. Welbutrin has also been implemented in dealing with the quitting smoking and withdrawal depression that comes from it. If it doesn't work I guess I'll switch to Chantix. I'd love to be a social smoker, but I don't know if my personality type can handle it right now. I finally got my adderall, which is a life saver since much of my smoking was due to excess energy. So since I'm heavily medicated, the chance of me going on a murderous rampage right now is low, and I'm planning on just getting back into my healthy routine and figuring out what is good for Chase. I keep using the money I'll save on cigarettes as an incentive to quit smoking.
The main thing is that I don't sacrifice my quality of life for my length of life. I've seen so many people give up happiness, just to have more days of misery on earth, which doesn't appeal to me at all. I have a bucket list that I'm working on, but when it's time for me to go out, I plan to do it well!
Thanks so much for the well wishes I've been getting. Even though I'm one of the strangest ppl in the world, the people who care about me rock my socks and as I learn more about my disease(s) I will keep yall informed of the drama and shiz.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Seratonin and insanity
So, its been approximately a week since I've last posted. As my life goes on every day, I reflect back on this past week and realize that this has been one of the oddest weeks of my adult life. I am continuing to travel through the world of Carrie Bradshaw and her fabulous friends and am in the middle of about 4 novels right now as well, all of them different genres and opposite themes. Though I've been enjoying watching the SITC series, I haven't really been inspired to write about the topics, because frankly, I haven't been interested in love, sex and relationships, which as we all know are the major themes of that show. I've dropped the novels I was reading with love themes and traded them in for tragedies, self-finding, and unconventional fiction that only a genius can invent.
I've also been off my Paroxitine for about a week now, which means that my body is going through a major serotonin deficiency and withdrawal. The results, however have been so interesting in the fact that my creative, real side is emerging. The raw, realistic, somewhat morbid Chase is beginning to show. The pure jack-ass Chase that my employees at work detest. The Chase that society tends to shun because he's so "odd." As I take notes of my body's reaction to this lack of medication I've been on for over a year, its scary as well as intriguing to watch. I've noticed my brain is always in a daze, yet studying and comprehending several things at once. I've taken on an insane look in my eyes, and have absolutely no appetite, except for cigarettes, coffee and iced water. I've also been infested with some sort of terrible upper respiratory bacteria that is wreaking havoc on my body, which is not pleasant at all.
Serotonin is the chemical that our brain produces when we sleep. My brain, for some unknown reason, doesn't produce enough of this chemical which is causing the present effects that I'm noticing in my body, physically and mentally. This was dealt with in the past by supplementing a prescription drug into by body to preserve the balance. Now this drug has been ripped away. Add to that the fact that I have this upper respiratory infection which is affecting the little sleep that I get and you get the crazed maniac that I currently am.
This past week at work was almost an absolute hell. I love my job and everything it entails, but there have been a few confidential issues going on facility wide which is placing me in an unattractive spotlight currently. It's definitely true that when there's waves in upper management, those waves continue to ripple down to middle-lower management where I presently reside. The results aren't always pleasant, but situations like these can make or break a person's career and I'll be damned if I let this break me.
I also went to Austin again last weekend for a date and night on the town, and had the most absolute best night of my life. The company I had was phenomenal (I hope I've made a new friend for life), the night life, bar hopping and freedom was so exhilarating. I don't ever remember having that great of a time.
Driving back to Mexia yesterday though, a thought crossed my mind. Would moving to Austin for that reason actually be a wise decision right now? Would I be setting myself up for failure by living a life of reality versus what I see in television shows, movies and novels? Obviously unless you're an heiress like Paris Hilton, or some other well fortuned individual, the life of fun will not be consistent with the life of hardships that occur wherever a person lives. Would I actually, in doing what makes me happy right now, be the cause of hate, resentment and depression later in life? I absolutely do not want that to happen. As my real self oversees the parts that have been hidden for so long, I realize that I don't have a clue of what I want in life, besides to be happy. As a 24 year old, I don't know what I want to be when I "grow up." I don't know whether I want to live in a booming metro area, versus a solitary place that's rich with peace and quiet. I realize that just because I'm not living the same life that the 20-somethings I interacted with last weekend doesn't mean I'm not living. Also, just because I'm in a town of 6000 people doesn't mean I have to fit that small town mold that's so wildly encouraged in these parts. I proved that to myself last weekend by taking the trip down south and having the time of my life. So, as it appears right now, I haven't a clue what to do. I know I'm at least content right now, working in an awesome job, attending school still without the slightest idea of a major and supporting myself well enough that I am able to take those spontaneous trips and adventures that I find calling me every once in a while. I must be doing something right. Plus I can see my goals ahead of me. I can see that I want to write, I want to help people and I want to live the way that I want, not the way that the people in Mexia, or the people in Austin want me to live.
I'm a self supporting, intelligent 20 something guy with no major ties. I'm not interested in falling in love currently (if love exists) though I wouldn't knock it if it did happen to me because it would just be another mountain to climb. I've realized that I can be utterly physically attracted to someone, enjoy their personality and have great sex with them, and not commit myself to the priority of accepting the responsibility of an unconventional relationship that is required when this happens. I've always been a "romantic" personality type, but now I'm realizing that being a romantic isn't my only personality trait. The independence, creativity and humanitarian is also in there, and to make it work, there should be an equal balance of all these traits.
So we must ask; what's in store for Chase? To answer bluntly, I don't know. The lack or serotonin has handicapped my ability to fully focus and make future plans as I've always been prone to do. Right now I'm taking it one day at a time. I know that I want to further my education, my career and my living situations, but the how isn't as important as it's been in the past. I've been getting awesome, random ideas for novels and would love to begin working on them since being a published author is a long term goal that I have. I'm also watching the changes at my present company of employment and keeping an eye open for ways to advance and prove myself worthy. I've decided to continue school, without the idea of a major since I've already got enough hours completed for the equivalent of a master's degree and am going to take what appeals to me and if I have to get a bachelor's in general studies instead of a specific field, oh well. The idea of college anyways is to learn instead of creating a program. Maybe when I have the number of hours to be equivalent to a PhD, I'll have decided on a major and have the official piece of paper. Who's business is it besides my own anyway?
So to end this scattered post of ideas, I am still going to blog about whatever comes to mind. I will continue to pursue my career, education and getting a novel published. As for location, housing and lifestyle I think I'm going to sit back and watch, see what fate offers and make the decision on what's best for Chase. :o)
I've also been off my Paroxitine for about a week now, which means that my body is going through a major serotonin deficiency and withdrawal. The results, however have been so interesting in the fact that my creative, real side is emerging. The raw, realistic, somewhat morbid Chase is beginning to show. The pure jack-ass Chase that my employees at work detest. The Chase that society tends to shun because he's so "odd." As I take notes of my body's reaction to this lack of medication I've been on for over a year, its scary as well as intriguing to watch. I've noticed my brain is always in a daze, yet studying and comprehending several things at once. I've taken on an insane look in my eyes, and have absolutely no appetite, except for cigarettes, coffee and iced water. I've also been infested with some sort of terrible upper respiratory bacteria that is wreaking havoc on my body, which is not pleasant at all.
Serotonin is the chemical that our brain produces when we sleep. My brain, for some unknown reason, doesn't produce enough of this chemical which is causing the present effects that I'm noticing in my body, physically and mentally. This was dealt with in the past by supplementing a prescription drug into by body to preserve the balance. Now this drug has been ripped away. Add to that the fact that I have this upper respiratory infection which is affecting the little sleep that I get and you get the crazed maniac that I currently am.
This past week at work was almost an absolute hell. I love my job and everything it entails, but there have been a few confidential issues going on facility wide which is placing me in an unattractive spotlight currently. It's definitely true that when there's waves in upper management, those waves continue to ripple down to middle-lower management where I presently reside. The results aren't always pleasant, but situations like these can make or break a person's career and I'll be damned if I let this break me.
I also went to Austin again last weekend for a date and night on the town, and had the most absolute best night of my life. The company I had was phenomenal (I hope I've made a new friend for life), the night life, bar hopping and freedom was so exhilarating. I don't ever remember having that great of a time.
Driving back to Mexia yesterday though, a thought crossed my mind. Would moving to Austin for that reason actually be a wise decision right now? Would I be setting myself up for failure by living a life of reality versus what I see in television shows, movies and novels? Obviously unless you're an heiress like Paris Hilton, or some other well fortuned individual, the life of fun will not be consistent with the life of hardships that occur wherever a person lives. Would I actually, in doing what makes me happy right now, be the cause of hate, resentment and depression later in life? I absolutely do not want that to happen. As my real self oversees the parts that have been hidden for so long, I realize that I don't have a clue of what I want in life, besides to be happy. As a 24 year old, I don't know what I want to be when I "grow up." I don't know whether I want to live in a booming metro area, versus a solitary place that's rich with peace and quiet. I realize that just because I'm not living the same life that the 20-somethings I interacted with last weekend doesn't mean I'm not living. Also, just because I'm in a town of 6000 people doesn't mean I have to fit that small town mold that's so wildly encouraged in these parts. I proved that to myself last weekend by taking the trip down south and having the time of my life. So, as it appears right now, I haven't a clue what to do. I know I'm at least content right now, working in an awesome job, attending school still without the slightest idea of a major and supporting myself well enough that I am able to take those spontaneous trips and adventures that I find calling me every once in a while. I must be doing something right. Plus I can see my goals ahead of me. I can see that I want to write, I want to help people and I want to live the way that I want, not the way that the people in Mexia, or the people in Austin want me to live.
I'm a self supporting, intelligent 20 something guy with no major ties. I'm not interested in falling in love currently (if love exists) though I wouldn't knock it if it did happen to me because it would just be another mountain to climb. I've realized that I can be utterly physically attracted to someone, enjoy their personality and have great sex with them, and not commit myself to the priority of accepting the responsibility of an unconventional relationship that is required when this happens. I've always been a "romantic" personality type, but now I'm realizing that being a romantic isn't my only personality trait. The independence, creativity and humanitarian is also in there, and to make it work, there should be an equal balance of all these traits.
So we must ask; what's in store for Chase? To answer bluntly, I don't know. The lack or serotonin has handicapped my ability to fully focus and make future plans as I've always been prone to do. Right now I'm taking it one day at a time. I know that I want to further my education, my career and my living situations, but the how isn't as important as it's been in the past. I've been getting awesome, random ideas for novels and would love to begin working on them since being a published author is a long term goal that I have. I'm also watching the changes at my present company of employment and keeping an eye open for ways to advance and prove myself worthy. I've decided to continue school, without the idea of a major since I've already got enough hours completed for the equivalent of a master's degree and am going to take what appeals to me and if I have to get a bachelor's in general studies instead of a specific field, oh well. The idea of college anyways is to learn instead of creating a program. Maybe when I have the number of hours to be equivalent to a PhD, I'll have decided on a major and have the official piece of paper. Who's business is it besides my own anyway?
So to end this scattered post of ideas, I am still going to blog about whatever comes to mind. I will continue to pursue my career, education and getting a novel published. As for location, housing and lifestyle I think I'm going to sit back and watch, see what fate offers and make the decision on what's best for Chase. :o)
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Episode 3- "Bay of Married Pigs"
Episode 3 of Sex in the City was an awesome one based on an awesome topic, Singles versus Marrieds and the silent war between them.
Beginning with Carrie being flashed by a friend's husband while visiting them on vacation, the girls have their usual convo over dinner in reference to the fact that the wife became angry with Carrie over her husband's indecency.
The girls start a topic that we all wonder about sometime in our life; is it better being single or married, and do married people have something against singles in general? Topics begin to fly faster than I can remember, but something the girls all agreed on was that once someone becomes married/attached, they seem to leave their single friends. Is it because they don't trust a single around their partner? Is it because they feel they are above a single?
The girls felt that a single in a group of marrieds was usually treated like a leper, or worse, a whore. Also why were couples always invited to events? Even if, as a single you're invited to an event, why are you expected to bring a date? These questions have haunted me for years, especially as someone who usually couldn't get a date, and in turn had to miss the events.
As a strong single man in a married/ couples' world, I have had to deal with this quite frequently. In societies across the world the norm is defined as meeting someone special, settling down and raising kids that probably can't be afforded.
In today's time, people who remain to be single are obviously freaks. Usually there is some excuse people make for the individuals that choose not to choose the norm. For example, one of the major excuses people make in a small town is that the terminally single person is secretly gay. Sometimes the people (especially the old people) say that the single is "not quite right in the head." The lame excuse of being overburdened in your career is sometimes even said in the small town.
In episode 3, Miranda is at her law firm's annual softball game that's full of co-workers and spouses. Miranda, who's single, realizes that she's not fitting in these events, but continues to attend for the exposure and hopes of a promotion. At the game Miranda's coworker decides to set her up on a blind date, who turns out to be a lesbian. Miranda, who is straight, automatically begins to get professional recognition, which in turns leads to her faking a date at the company dinner party with her lesbian friend.
This scene actually frightened me. Miranda, who I've always seen as strong, though a bit unstable, actually is desperate enough for the exposure to pretend to be something that was for so long forbidden in order to get what she wants! To see the lack of recognition as a single, versus much attention in a gay relationship, among a group of affluent republicans is shocking to say the least. I began to ponder this in relation to life. Here in Mexia, a fairly conservative and small town, the single would have out bounded the lesbian in that battle, or at least I expect since neither singles or homosexuals seem to be welcome around here. In the real world, however, (outside of Mexia or any small southern town) I could honestly see this actually happening! In the 21st century being gay is actually becoming a trend, I don't see any trend developing around singles. Could it be if I were to live in Dallas, Atlanta, Miami, Los Angeles or Manhattan, a married man, regardless of age, orientation, color or religion, be preferred over me? I can actually see this happening.
Single people are also majorly stereotyped. Singles have been defined as immature, party animals, whores and man-stealers, desperate wannabes and social failures. These people who do the stereotyping usually tend to forget that once they weren't always the respectable attached people they are now.
Personally I enjoy being single. I can barely take care of a dog, how am I supposed to take care of a significant other and, if hell were to freeze over, a kid? I have the personality of wanting to do what I want, when I want. I like to spend my hard earned, meager salary on myself. Of course, having someone to walk home with, keep the bed warm and have deep conversations with is nice, but can't that all be accomplished with casual dating? Surely that's better than being attached at the hip to someone.
Casual dating can be defined as many things. It can be done out of convenience, such as the events where a date is expected. This instance doesn't have to be romantic or sexual. It can be done with a friend. For example if the company banquet is next week, you don't have a date, call up a friend to see if s/he would like to go. This is perfectly fine, as you will enjoy your company and still attend the event without being dubbed as the horrid single. One note of caution though: Once the news gets out that you and your date aren't romantically involved, expect pity and sympathy. You will now not only be labeled as a "single," but also as a pathetic one that can't get a date. I speak from experience on this, as its happened to me once, twice or 6 times before.
Next we come to the "friends with benefits" casual dating. This is the type of dating where two people are not in a committed relationship, but have physical relations and consider themselves friends. Since FWB is usually not monogamous, being safe is a priority. As long as you are protecting your priority, yourself, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with this scenario. Humans, including nuns and priests, have physical urges, and finding someone you know and trust to address these can really take a load off you. FWB will sometimes go on public dates, such as dinner, movies or something which only increases the fun! Now, not only are your physical needs addressed but also your social ones. With some people, FWB dating is the only way to be. One note of caution. Be on the lookout for those darn love-like feelings to develop. Once one of the people in the relationship develops feelings, the whole thing will fall apart, including the friendship. Jealous people do horribly in these relationships (which is why I never do them).
The last, and my personal favorite form of casual dating is the "Emphasis on CASUAL dating." In my opinion, this is the ideal relationship. You find a person you like, and likes you in return and casually date. You are committed to once another, and there is no sleeping around. This is the person that, when you want a date, accompanies you. In EOC dating, you aren't attached at the hip, but you're still true to your partner. You will not live together (but may occasionally spend the night with each other), or see each other every day, but that makes the dates you do spend together more special. From my viewing experience, the fire and romance lasts longer on this type of dating. Also, if one day you do decide you want to be "attached," this dating will smooth the evolution process of that.
Different people have different preferences, wants and needs though. Its important to find the type, and partner that will suit you best to these needs.
As it can clearly be seen, as a single I represent and stick up for my peers. Being a 20-something in America today, there is way too much to do and be offered instead of settling down so early. At this time in my life, I have no plans to sacrifice everything for a "ball and chain." Maybe someday that may change. Maybe someday someone will change my mind, but until then I'm enjoying living the single life and those who don't like it can kiss a chupacabra!
Beginning with Carrie being flashed by a friend's husband while visiting them on vacation, the girls have their usual convo over dinner in reference to the fact that the wife became angry with Carrie over her husband's indecency.
The girls start a topic that we all wonder about sometime in our life; is it better being single or married, and do married people have something against singles in general? Topics begin to fly faster than I can remember, but something the girls all agreed on was that once someone becomes married/attached, they seem to leave their single friends. Is it because they don't trust a single around their partner? Is it because they feel they are above a single?
The girls felt that a single in a group of marrieds was usually treated like a leper, or worse, a whore. Also why were couples always invited to events? Even if, as a single you're invited to an event, why are you expected to bring a date? These questions have haunted me for years, especially as someone who usually couldn't get a date, and in turn had to miss the events.
As a strong single man in a married/ couples' world, I have had to deal with this quite frequently. In societies across the world the norm is defined as meeting someone special, settling down and raising kids that probably can't be afforded.
In today's time, people who remain to be single are obviously freaks. Usually there is some excuse people make for the individuals that choose not to choose the norm. For example, one of the major excuses people make in a small town is that the terminally single person is secretly gay. Sometimes the people (especially the old people) say that the single is "not quite right in the head." The lame excuse of being overburdened in your career is sometimes even said in the small town.
In episode 3, Miranda is at her law firm's annual softball game that's full of co-workers and spouses. Miranda, who's single, realizes that she's not fitting in these events, but continues to attend for the exposure and hopes of a promotion. At the game Miranda's coworker decides to set her up on a blind date, who turns out to be a lesbian. Miranda, who is straight, automatically begins to get professional recognition, which in turns leads to her faking a date at the company dinner party with her lesbian friend.
This scene actually frightened me. Miranda, who I've always seen as strong, though a bit unstable, actually is desperate enough for the exposure to pretend to be something that was for so long forbidden in order to get what she wants! To see the lack of recognition as a single, versus much attention in a gay relationship, among a group of affluent republicans is shocking to say the least. I began to ponder this in relation to life. Here in Mexia, a fairly conservative and small town, the single would have out bounded the lesbian in that battle, or at least I expect since neither singles or homosexuals seem to be welcome around here. In the real world, however, (outside of Mexia or any small southern town) I could honestly see this actually happening! In the 21st century being gay is actually becoming a trend, I don't see any trend developing around singles. Could it be if I were to live in Dallas, Atlanta, Miami, Los Angeles or Manhattan, a married man, regardless of age, orientation, color or religion, be preferred over me? I can actually see this happening.
Single people are also majorly stereotyped. Singles have been defined as immature, party animals, whores and man-stealers, desperate wannabes and social failures. These people who do the stereotyping usually tend to forget that once they weren't always the respectable attached people they are now.
Personally I enjoy being single. I can barely take care of a dog, how am I supposed to take care of a significant other and, if hell were to freeze over, a kid? I have the personality of wanting to do what I want, when I want. I like to spend my hard earned, meager salary on myself. Of course, having someone to walk home with, keep the bed warm and have deep conversations with is nice, but can't that all be accomplished with casual dating? Surely that's better than being attached at the hip to someone.
Casual dating can be defined as many things. It can be done out of convenience, such as the events where a date is expected. This instance doesn't have to be romantic or sexual. It can be done with a friend. For example if the company banquet is next week, you don't have a date, call up a friend to see if s/he would like to go. This is perfectly fine, as you will enjoy your company and still attend the event without being dubbed as the horrid single. One note of caution though: Once the news gets out that you and your date aren't romantically involved, expect pity and sympathy. You will now not only be labeled as a "single," but also as a pathetic one that can't get a date. I speak from experience on this, as its happened to me once, twice or 6 times before.
Next we come to the "friends with benefits" casual dating. This is the type of dating where two people are not in a committed relationship, but have physical relations and consider themselves friends. Since FWB is usually not monogamous, being safe is a priority. As long as you are protecting your priority, yourself, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with this scenario. Humans, including nuns and priests, have physical urges, and finding someone you know and trust to address these can really take a load off you. FWB will sometimes go on public dates, such as dinner, movies or something which only increases the fun! Now, not only are your physical needs addressed but also your social ones. With some people, FWB dating is the only way to be. One note of caution. Be on the lookout for those darn love-like feelings to develop. Once one of the people in the relationship develops feelings, the whole thing will fall apart, including the friendship. Jealous people do horribly in these relationships (which is why I never do them).
The last, and my personal favorite form of casual dating is the "Emphasis on CASUAL dating." In my opinion, this is the ideal relationship. You find a person you like, and likes you in return and casually date. You are committed to once another, and there is no sleeping around. This is the person that, when you want a date, accompanies you. In EOC dating, you aren't attached at the hip, but you're still true to your partner. You will not live together (but may occasionally spend the night with each other), or see each other every day, but that makes the dates you do spend together more special. From my viewing experience, the fire and romance lasts longer on this type of dating. Also, if one day you do decide you want to be "attached," this dating will smooth the evolution process of that.
Different people have different preferences, wants and needs though. Its important to find the type, and partner that will suit you best to these needs.
As it can clearly be seen, as a single I represent and stick up for my peers. Being a 20-something in America today, there is way too much to do and be offered instead of settling down so early. At this time in my life, I have no plans to sacrifice everything for a "ball and chain." Maybe someday that may change. Maybe someday someone will change my mind, but until then I'm enjoying living the single life and those who don't like it can kiss a chupacabra!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Top 25 on iTunes
From iTunes, my top 25 played songs. This is from the whole existance of my iPod, so some songs are more played, just b/c they've been here longest. Curious to start tracking to see how my tastes change over time.
Poker Face- Lady GaGa: For awhile I couldn't get enough of this song. Its dark, sexy and awesome to dance to
Thinking of You- Katy Perry: One of my all time favorites. The lyrics stay locked in my mind.
Big Girls Don't Cry- Fergie: One of my all time favorites. I never grow tired of this song.
Fly On The Wall- Miley Cyrus: Fun track, full of attitude. I love to dance to this song.
Supermassive Black Hole-Muse: Something about the music, This song makes me feel bad-ass!
I Won't Say (I'm In Love)- Hercules Sndtrk- The lyrics make me feel good, and romantic
7 Things-Miley Cyrus: My most played song. There's nothing about this that I don't like. My theme.
Cooking By the Book-Lazytown: Fun, kids song.
If I were a Boy-BC Jean: Powerful and truthful. Her raspy voice pulls me in.
Paparrazi-Lady Gaga: This song makes me feel famous. I love the stalker message.
Love Story (Pop Mix)- Taylor Swift: I want this to be my love story.
We Danced Anyway- Deana Carter: This song makes me feel young, free and romantic
Mary Jane Shoes- Fergie: My bad-ass/chillout reggae song.
Turn Me On or Turn On Me- Vitamin C: An all time favorite, honest song.
So What- Pink: Im a rockstar, thats all there is to it!
Good Girl Gone Bad-Rihanna: Defines me
Midnight Train To Georgia- Gladys Knight: I love love love this song, and its awesome.
Just Like A Pill-Pink: My angry song. Always makes me vent my anger.
Please Don't Leave-Pink: Idk what it is about this song that made me fall in love w/ it.
Don't Trust Me-3OH!3: Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips. Fun song!
Who knew-Pink: My favorite song by her. Its lyrics are sad, deep and true.
Johnny and June- Heidi Newfield: The best metaphoric love song ever written.
Party in the USA -Miley Cyrus: My new "fun" anthem.
Hello- Beyonce: Deep, true, devoted. I long to live this song.
Unbeautiful- Lesley Roy: Raw, emotional and painful. This song speaks volumes.
Poker Face- Lady GaGa: For awhile I couldn't get enough of this song. Its dark, sexy and awesome to dance to
Thinking of You- Katy Perry: One of my all time favorites. The lyrics stay locked in my mind.
Big Girls Don't Cry- Fergie: One of my all time favorites. I never grow tired of this song.
Fly On The Wall- Miley Cyrus: Fun track, full of attitude. I love to dance to this song.
Supermassive Black Hole-Muse: Something about the music, This song makes me feel bad-ass!
I Won't Say (I'm In Love)- Hercules Sndtrk- The lyrics make me feel good, and romantic
7 Things-Miley Cyrus: My most played song. There's nothing about this that I don't like. My theme.
Cooking By the Book-Lazytown: Fun, kids song.
If I were a Boy-BC Jean: Powerful and truthful. Her raspy voice pulls me in.
Paparrazi-Lady Gaga: This song makes me feel famous. I love the stalker message.
Love Story (Pop Mix)- Taylor Swift: I want this to be my love story.
We Danced Anyway- Deana Carter: This song makes me feel young, free and romantic
Mary Jane Shoes- Fergie: My bad-ass/chillout reggae song.
Turn Me On or Turn On Me- Vitamin C: An all time favorite, honest song.
So What- Pink: Im a rockstar, thats all there is to it!
Good Girl Gone Bad-Rihanna: Defines me
Midnight Train To Georgia- Gladys Knight: I love love love this song, and its awesome.
Just Like A Pill-Pink: My angry song. Always makes me vent my anger.
Please Don't Leave-Pink: Idk what it is about this song that made me fall in love w/ it.
Don't Trust Me-3OH!3: Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips. Fun song!
Who knew-Pink: My favorite song by her. Its lyrics are sad, deep and true.
Johnny and June- Heidi Newfield: The best metaphoric love song ever written.
Party in the USA -Miley Cyrus: My new "fun" anthem.
Hello- Beyonce: Deep, true, devoted. I long to live this song.
Unbeautiful- Lesley Roy: Raw, emotional and painful. This song speaks volumes.
SITC - "Models and Mortals"
So as I advance into the world of Carrie Bradshaw and her group of 30-something, fabulous friends, episode 2 brings up a personal favorite topic, physical looks.
The episode begins with Miranda (my least favorite of the group) who is at a dinner party with a rather ordinary guy, who she later finds out is a "modelizer," a man who only dates models.
Over Chinese takeout on a Tuesday night, the girls devour this topic. As they all go over their physical flaws, compared to models, I am immediately drawn, as usual, to Samantha, who remains mum over the personal flaws conversation. When the girls confront her about this, Samantha gives the perfect answer by informing them that she loves every part of her body. While some may view Samantha as being vain, I am drawn to her confidence in her looks and attitude, something that we all know I need to improve on. In Samantha's eyes, Samantha is perfect. While the other girls complain about their bodies, Samantha gives them that "don't give a damn" attitude that I admire and covet.
Researching modelizers for her weekly column, Carrie attends a fashion show with her very stereotypically gay friend, Stanford and Samantha. While viewing the show, Samantha meets Carrie's friend Barkley, who secretly videotapes his sexual conquests, and when Samantha discovers this, she seduces him just for the chance to be on film. Stanford is also in lust with his young underwear model, Derek, who's sexuality is at the moment unknown, but he's believed to be straight.
Following the show, the group heads to an after party where Samantha goes home with Barkley and Derek, surprisingly goes home with Carrie, though they only talk and don't have sex. Miranda meets up unexpectedly with Skipper and he convinces her that she's beautiful which convinces her to allow him to go home with her where its assumed they sleep together.
The episode ends with Samantha in bed with Barkley and she asks him where the camera is. He replies to her that its not on, and that he only tapes models. Rather than being insulted, Samantha tells him to videotape them and he says he can make an exception as he turns the camera on.
My first though was "What the hell!" Had I been in Samantha's place, when he said he only taped models, my first instinct would have been to feel ugly and flee the bedroom!
That makes me wonder, how important are looks? Do we all have to look like models to get laid? If we do, what's gonna happen to the other 90% of the population who aren't starving, with flawless skin and perfect hair? I pondered this for awhile after the episode and came to the following conclusion.
Every person has, in their mind, the ideal mate. Whether they're short, tall, fat, thin, bald, hairy, big breasted or not, someone out there somewhere in the world would probably think they're the most beautiful person on earth. Based on my own experience, looks aren't at all important to me, though there are some qualities that I find extremely attractive. If I had to wake up to a stereotypical model everyday, I would go crazy! If my lover was on the cover of magazines, I would feel so self conscious that I would never remove my clothes, I would always wear heavy coats and hide in dark hallways. We won't go into the qualities that I like, but to summarize, I want someone who is proportionate to me, that I don't feel insufficient to.
With billions of people in the world, it can be hard finding someone who thinks you're ideal, versus someone who thinks you'll "do in a pinch." This is especially true in a town of only 6000 people. I believe learning this goes into the previous post about being free and taking the opportunities to pursue and find that person, without settling and developing unnecessary attachments. Who cares if that person doesn't find you're looks ideal. If you've made it far enough to get to the bedroom, obviously you aren't that hideous that you aren't considered worth it. Take the promiscuous approach, treat it as a learning experience and realize that it doesn't matter what the other person thinks. Treat it like Samantha Jones. If he doesn't think you're model material, treat yourself like you're model material. You're giving him a privilege, the privilege of being with you.
It's gonna take some personal practice for me to do this, to practice what I preach, but as a 20-something in today's world, that makes it a fun part of the game.
The episode begins with Miranda (my least favorite of the group) who is at a dinner party with a rather ordinary guy, who she later finds out is a "modelizer," a man who only dates models.
Over Chinese takeout on a Tuesday night, the girls devour this topic. As they all go over their physical flaws, compared to models, I am immediately drawn, as usual, to Samantha, who remains mum over the personal flaws conversation. When the girls confront her about this, Samantha gives the perfect answer by informing them that she loves every part of her body. While some may view Samantha as being vain, I am drawn to her confidence in her looks and attitude, something that we all know I need to improve on. In Samantha's eyes, Samantha is perfect. While the other girls complain about their bodies, Samantha gives them that "don't give a damn" attitude that I admire and covet.
Researching modelizers for her weekly column, Carrie attends a fashion show with her very stereotypically gay friend, Stanford and Samantha. While viewing the show, Samantha meets Carrie's friend Barkley, who secretly videotapes his sexual conquests, and when Samantha discovers this, she seduces him just for the chance to be on film. Stanford is also in lust with his young underwear model, Derek, who's sexuality is at the moment unknown, but he's believed to be straight.
Following the show, the group heads to an after party where Samantha goes home with Barkley and Derek, surprisingly goes home with Carrie, though they only talk and don't have sex. Miranda meets up unexpectedly with Skipper and he convinces her that she's beautiful which convinces her to allow him to go home with her where its assumed they sleep together.
The episode ends with Samantha in bed with Barkley and she asks him where the camera is. He replies to her that its not on, and that he only tapes models. Rather than being insulted, Samantha tells him to videotape them and he says he can make an exception as he turns the camera on.
My first though was "What the hell!" Had I been in Samantha's place, when he said he only taped models, my first instinct would have been to feel ugly and flee the bedroom!
That makes me wonder, how important are looks? Do we all have to look like models to get laid? If we do, what's gonna happen to the other 90% of the population who aren't starving, with flawless skin and perfect hair? I pondered this for awhile after the episode and came to the following conclusion.
Every person has, in their mind, the ideal mate. Whether they're short, tall, fat, thin, bald, hairy, big breasted or not, someone out there somewhere in the world would probably think they're the most beautiful person on earth. Based on my own experience, looks aren't at all important to me, though there are some qualities that I find extremely attractive. If I had to wake up to a stereotypical model everyday, I would go crazy! If my lover was on the cover of magazines, I would feel so self conscious that I would never remove my clothes, I would always wear heavy coats and hide in dark hallways. We won't go into the qualities that I like, but to summarize, I want someone who is proportionate to me, that I don't feel insufficient to.
With billions of people in the world, it can be hard finding someone who thinks you're ideal, versus someone who thinks you'll "do in a pinch." This is especially true in a town of only 6000 people. I believe learning this goes into the previous post about being free and taking the opportunities to pursue and find that person, without settling and developing unnecessary attachments. Who cares if that person doesn't find you're looks ideal. If you've made it far enough to get to the bedroom, obviously you aren't that hideous that you aren't considered worth it. Take the promiscuous approach, treat it as a learning experience and realize that it doesn't matter what the other person thinks. Treat it like Samantha Jones. If he doesn't think you're model material, treat yourself like you're model material. You're giving him a privilege, the privilege of being with you.
It's gonna take some personal practice for me to do this, to practice what I preach, but as a 20-something in today's world, that makes it a fun part of the game.
Sex in the City, the first episode
So a few weeks ago I decided that I wanted to watch the entire series of the HBO sitcom "Sex in the City." Those of you that know me know that I cannot "get into" a television series without being able to watch it in sequential order to know what's going on, so I finally went to Hastings yesterday and bought the season one dvd set. Over the years I've heard that this was a remarkable show and besides the humor, there are several scenarios that can be related to by young singles in the real world. Hopefully watching the series, and blogging about it will lead me to discover things about myself as well as the happenings in the real world.
The first episode begins with a "story" of a young girl, transplanted to New York from London who falls in loose love with a gentleman and then has her heart broken. She's being interviewed by Carrie Bradshaw (Jessica Parker) who then introduces us to her diverse, yet fabulous group of friends, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha Jones. I feel an immediate connection with Charlotte, and fall immediately in love with Samantha. The four women, who are obviously totally different in looks and personality, have an unseen electric connection that binds them, and the actresses play their parts very well. Over Miranda's birthday party, the girls finally get into a good conversation, having sex "like men."
My first thought was "are they men bashers?" I am a supporter for feminism, but I don't like when any group is categorized about being all the same. But back to the conversation. The girls vow to begin having promiscuous sex without the attachment, the way that they feel men do. Charlotte immediately shows resistance, which leads me to believe that she may be a bit conservative regarding her sexuality, and may even be considered a "romantic." Again this signifies my connection with her. While I am definitely not prudish in the least, I do have a bit of a romantic streak, with contradicts the need for "no attachment." Samantha Jones, who is a very confident woman, decides that there is no problem with the idea, which also sparks a bit of envy in me that she can be so loose and comfortable with herself.
So to summarize the episode, Carrie has a fling with an ex lover, and successfully pulls it off w/o attachment. Miranda goes on a date with Carrie's friend Skipper who is an obvious nerd, and Charlotte goes on a date with a man that she decides not to sleep with, so he goes to a club and ends up taking Samantha home. We are introduced to "Mr. Big," who has an attraction to Carrie, and though I don't care for his character, he does say something of interest. While Carrie is explaining her job and the week's topic to Mr. Big, he contradicts her and tells her that not all men are able to sleep with someone without attachment. When she asks him why, he counter questions her asking her if she's ever been in love. After dropping her off at her apartment, Carrie asks him if he's ever been in love, to which he replies, "abso-fucking-lutely." Then the episode ends.
Could that be the key? Could being in love once in life be a definition to being able to be loose and free from the need of attachment? Or is it just in a person's emotional make up? Is it related to the way a person was raised? I was raised in a traditional lifestyle where the norm is to date someone, settle down and get into a life "rut" of marriage, kids and a job you hate, but so were hundreds of others I know, some who can go out to be promiscuous, and some who marry the first person they sleep with and settle down before they can legally consume alcohol.
Personally I hate that idea. I have the same mindset as Samantha Jones, and believe that life is meant to be abundant, sex fun, and in the end the only person that matters is yourself. I also have nowhere near the self confidence needed to live that lifestyle. As much as I like, yet pity her, I can also relate to Charlotte, not jumping straight into bed with one of the city's most unattainable bachelors because she doesn't want to be just another notch in the bedpost. Maybe she feels that she's just being used? Maybe Charlotte doesn't have the self confidence needed to "do it for herself."
We also must consider the idea of reputation. Being from a small town, a person's reputation can make or break them. Population is the variable in what I call the "slut factor." In a small town, a person who gets around sexually automatically gets labeled as a "slut" or "whore." In a large city, it doesn't matter as much, since there are more people and the chances of gossip and rumors getting to potential employers, landlords and people that have known you since you were a child are much less. I also feel that self confidence has a large part in this because no-one wants to be labeled as a whore, but people like Samantha Jones know they're fabulous and obviously don't care what people around them think. After all, in Samantha's eyes, Samantha is most important, which is something I totally believe in, but again don't have the confidence to follow through with.
Its obvious that in my research I pursue different scenarios and variables that define the ability for promiscuous, un-attached hook ups with randoms. Being in love once in my life, I will take that into consideration, and also since my history of "hook ups," which there honestly haven't been many, have been mostly via alcohol usage I will need to enlarge the scale and begin taking notes.
This doesn't mean I'm going to turn into a major slut lol. I plan to get out more, interview a variety of people and compile results as any competent researcher does, though participating in some research myself is not totally out of the question.
Above all, I'm a young adult, I'm semi-attractive, smart enough, and driven enough to learn as much as I can in this lifetime regarding whatever topics I want. This is my only life as Chase Simmons, and I plan to learn as much as I can about Chase Simmons and help make him as successful as possible. Whether this effects my reputation positively, negatively or whatever, I plan on being like Samantha Jones, in charge of my own life and loving myself more than anything.
The first episode begins with a "story" of a young girl, transplanted to New York from London who falls in loose love with a gentleman and then has her heart broken. She's being interviewed by Carrie Bradshaw (Jessica Parker) who then introduces us to her diverse, yet fabulous group of friends, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha Jones. I feel an immediate connection with Charlotte, and fall immediately in love with Samantha. The four women, who are obviously totally different in looks and personality, have an unseen electric connection that binds them, and the actresses play their parts very well. Over Miranda's birthday party, the girls finally get into a good conversation, having sex "like men."
My first thought was "are they men bashers?" I am a supporter for feminism, but I don't like when any group is categorized about being all the same. But back to the conversation. The girls vow to begin having promiscuous sex without the attachment, the way that they feel men do. Charlotte immediately shows resistance, which leads me to believe that she may be a bit conservative regarding her sexuality, and may even be considered a "romantic." Again this signifies my connection with her. While I am definitely not prudish in the least, I do have a bit of a romantic streak, with contradicts the need for "no attachment." Samantha Jones, who is a very confident woman, decides that there is no problem with the idea, which also sparks a bit of envy in me that she can be so loose and comfortable with herself.
So to summarize the episode, Carrie has a fling with an ex lover, and successfully pulls it off w/o attachment. Miranda goes on a date with Carrie's friend Skipper who is an obvious nerd, and Charlotte goes on a date with a man that she decides not to sleep with, so he goes to a club and ends up taking Samantha home. We are introduced to "Mr. Big," who has an attraction to Carrie, and though I don't care for his character, he does say something of interest. While Carrie is explaining her job and the week's topic to Mr. Big, he contradicts her and tells her that not all men are able to sleep with someone without attachment. When she asks him why, he counter questions her asking her if she's ever been in love. After dropping her off at her apartment, Carrie asks him if he's ever been in love, to which he replies, "abso-fucking-lutely." Then the episode ends.
Could that be the key? Could being in love once in life be a definition to being able to be loose and free from the need of attachment? Or is it just in a person's emotional make up? Is it related to the way a person was raised? I was raised in a traditional lifestyle where the norm is to date someone, settle down and get into a life "rut" of marriage, kids and a job you hate, but so were hundreds of others I know, some who can go out to be promiscuous, and some who marry the first person they sleep with and settle down before they can legally consume alcohol.
Personally I hate that idea. I have the same mindset as Samantha Jones, and believe that life is meant to be abundant, sex fun, and in the end the only person that matters is yourself. I also have nowhere near the self confidence needed to live that lifestyle. As much as I like, yet pity her, I can also relate to Charlotte, not jumping straight into bed with one of the city's most unattainable bachelors because she doesn't want to be just another notch in the bedpost. Maybe she feels that she's just being used? Maybe Charlotte doesn't have the self confidence needed to "do it for herself."
We also must consider the idea of reputation. Being from a small town, a person's reputation can make or break them. Population is the variable in what I call the "slut factor." In a small town, a person who gets around sexually automatically gets labeled as a "slut" or "whore." In a large city, it doesn't matter as much, since there are more people and the chances of gossip and rumors getting to potential employers, landlords and people that have known you since you were a child are much less. I also feel that self confidence has a large part in this because no-one wants to be labeled as a whore, but people like Samantha Jones know they're fabulous and obviously don't care what people around them think. After all, in Samantha's eyes, Samantha is most important, which is something I totally believe in, but again don't have the confidence to follow through with.
Its obvious that in my research I pursue different scenarios and variables that define the ability for promiscuous, un-attached hook ups with randoms. Being in love once in my life, I will take that into consideration, and also since my history of "hook ups," which there honestly haven't been many, have been mostly via alcohol usage I will need to enlarge the scale and begin taking notes.
This doesn't mean I'm going to turn into a major slut lol. I plan to get out more, interview a variety of people and compile results as any competent researcher does, though participating in some research myself is not totally out of the question.
Above all, I'm a young adult, I'm semi-attractive, smart enough, and driven enough to learn as much as I can in this lifetime regarding whatever topics I want. This is my only life as Chase Simmons, and I plan to learn as much as I can about Chase Simmons and help make him as successful as possible. Whether this effects my reputation positively, negatively or whatever, I plan on being like Samantha Jones, in charge of my own life and loving myself more than anything.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Rockin it to Disney
So I'm here this afternoon, not partaking in all of the Superbowl junk thats going on today. I had some quiet leisure time, so of course I decided to browse through the thousands of songs on my iTunes to think and develop some ideas for something.
As I jammed, I found myself coming back to the disney soundtracks from the movies from my childhood. The Disney movies from that time period absolutely rocked. I listened to the lyrics that I loved as a child, but never quite understood the depth of them that I can in my adulthood.
I browsed songs from Aladdin, Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty and tons of other great ones. I began to listen, and said "Hey, I can relate to this." The powerful intent of the heroes and heroins from the movies filled my soul, and suddenly I understood where they were coming from...
A street rat in Arabia, who has to steal and outsmart to survive. Or the weird half fish/half woman creature that dreams to go to a place that's forbidden by her overprotective father and where the love of her life lives (plus she'd dry out and die.) What about the teenage slave to her evil, chainsmoking step-mother, and hags of step-sisters? Then there's the young, semi-cute princess, who's all alone and wants someone to love so bad that she begins to have hallucinations about him and claims she sees him in her dreams. Its all so fantastic!
Anyways, I can relate to these fictional, weird people. Mexia might as well be under the sea. The State pays so low that you must fight to survive. There's a major babe drought here, and you if you do meet someone, you may feel like a beauty, and feel that they look like a beast...
So, these songs are awesome. I think these days people forget to listen to lyrics and what they say. Since I've began to consider myself a mini-celeb (to boost self esteem) I am constantly looking for new songs to be "theme songs" or at least part of the soundtrack of my life.
Disney reminds me to follow my dreams, that anything is possible, including hideous dragons and apples that will make you sleep forever. Disney reminds me that I can grow my hair long enough to send it out the window and even the fact that someday, I may find someone to take a 21st century version of a magic carpet ride and go anywhere and not care about anything thats not of interest to me.
In closing, I want everyone to remember these lessons that Disney songs teach us. Though the times change, people change and technology changes, the structure of human nature and emotions doesn't really change. Anything is still possible and if you suppress the things you want long enough, some evil woman will make you scrub her floors, a wicked witch will give you a poison apple, or worse, an evil sea witch/octopus may try to steal your lover from you. Get out there and do it and forget all about the evil ones.
As I jammed, I found myself coming back to the disney soundtracks from the movies from my childhood. The Disney movies from that time period absolutely rocked. I listened to the lyrics that I loved as a child, but never quite understood the depth of them that I can in my adulthood.
I browsed songs from Aladdin, Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty and tons of other great ones. I began to listen, and said "Hey, I can relate to this." The powerful intent of the heroes and heroins from the movies filled my soul, and suddenly I understood where they were coming from...
A street rat in Arabia, who has to steal and outsmart to survive. Or the weird half fish/half woman creature that dreams to go to a place that's forbidden by her overprotective father and where the love of her life lives (plus she'd dry out and die.) What about the teenage slave to her evil, chainsmoking step-mother, and hags of step-sisters? Then there's the young, semi-cute princess, who's all alone and wants someone to love so bad that she begins to have hallucinations about him and claims she sees him in her dreams. Its all so fantastic!
Anyways, I can relate to these fictional, weird people. Mexia might as well be under the sea. The State pays so low that you must fight to survive. There's a major babe drought here, and you if you do meet someone, you may feel like a beauty, and feel that they look like a beast...
So, these songs are awesome. I think these days people forget to listen to lyrics and what they say. Since I've began to consider myself a mini-celeb (to boost self esteem) I am constantly looking for new songs to be "theme songs" or at least part of the soundtrack of my life.
Disney reminds me to follow my dreams, that anything is possible, including hideous dragons and apples that will make you sleep forever. Disney reminds me that I can grow my hair long enough to send it out the window and even the fact that someday, I may find someone to take a 21st century version of a magic carpet ride and go anywhere and not care about anything thats not of interest to me.
In closing, I want everyone to remember these lessons that Disney songs teach us. Though the times change, people change and technology changes, the structure of human nature and emotions doesn't really change. Anything is still possible and if you suppress the things you want long enough, some evil woman will make you scrub her floors, a wicked witch will give you a poison apple, or worse, an evil sea witch/octopus may try to steal your lover from you. Get out there and do it and forget all about the evil ones.
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