Tales of a Small-Town Celeb

Research Paper Final Draft... All 18 pages :)

2011-07-18T12:53:00.002-05:00

Table of Contents

I. Introduction

II. Historical Perspective

III. Identification of Problem

IV. Proposed Methods of Improvement

V. Summary and Conclusion

VI. References Used

The problem that will be discussed is the issue of juvenile/adolescent sexual offenders in present day society. This topic was selected as the problem of research due to the increased number of juvenile sexual offenders noticed, which have appeared in the media, including the circumstances and variables of causes for occurrences, such as decreased parental supervision, medical and/or mental disorders, societal influences on adolescents regarding nature and norms of sexual behavior, and other possible factors that contribute to increased sexual behaviors in individuals that could cause or result in these individuals displaying a maladaptive sexual behavior while classified as a juvenile. For reference purposes, the term “Juvenile and/or Adolescent (Sexual) Offender” within this project will be defined as “a youth, from puberty to the legal age of majority, who commits any sexual act with a person of any age, against the victims will, without consent, or in an aggressive, exploitive or threatening manner.” (Ryan, Lane, Davis, & Isaac, 2010) The term “sexual abuse, crime or inappropriate behavior” will be defined as contact that “is sexual in nature and that occurs without consent, without equality, and as a result of coercion, manipulation, game-playing, or deception.” (Children’s Services, 2002)
Current policies and laws implemented within the legal system regarding treatment, consequences, risks of re-offending, methods of prevention and other practices will be addressed in order to critique effectiveness and depth of developmental factors addressed in the legal system which target the prevention and management of inappropriate sexual behaviors within the adolescent population in order to lower the future instances and occurrences of these behaviors and effectively treat individuals who have committed these offenses with the goal of reducing the current statistics in the future. Variable factors will be considered, including the percentages of sexual offenders who are male versus those who are female, as well as ratio of male to females as victims in sexual crimes involving adolescents. Another factor of consideration includes cases of offenders who are classified as incapacitated within the court system, such as juveniles being dually diagnosed with both mental illness and mental retardation. Statistics of individuals committing sexual offenses from various ranges of age within the classification of juvenile and adolescent will be considered, as well as recidivism statistics within various age ranges and other factors deemed relevant which could support research and conclusions determined in regards to specific causes and diagnoses influencing adolescent sexual offenders within various age, developmental, gender-based, ethnic and cultural groups in which these crimes occur.
Research in this area is significant due to the increased number of sexual crimes committed by adolescent individuals in the present time versus statistics reported in decades past. (Jones, M., 2007) Increased sexual crimes committed by juveniles today is significant due to the impact these crimes have on the future of society, since the juveniles of today are the adults of the future, which include the future workforce, political influences, developers of policies or laws, media reporters, and even celebrities who’s sexual values and practices will have influence on the youth of the following generation. The impact of increased sexual offenders classified as juvenile is also deemed relevant and in need of addressing due to the fact that those who are victims of sexual crimes impact the future of society as well, and as research shows, victims of sexual offenses often are affected mentally to the point of developing mental or emotional disorders and even, in some cases, developing inappropriate sexual behaviors themselves, which may result in a victim of a sexual abuse crime victimizing someone else in a sexual nature, which results in the chain of sexual offenses growing to include even more offenders. (Hickey, E.W., 2006)
Addressing the problem of sexual offenses committed and the resulting treatment, care and methods of prevention of further damage or offenses is also greatly relevant due to the fact that discussion of experiences, results, and findings already completed can provide insight to efficiently diagnose and treat both offenders and victims in a faster or more productive way due to past data of similar occurrences being used to determine methods which may or may not have been affective in past instances, which results in researchers saving time, money and resources by referencing these instances, as well as possible effectiveness in treatment and care of offenders and victims by comparing signs, symptoms and crimes to past examples of a similar nature which may have resulted in either positive and successful results in managing issues or poor and devastating results, which increase likelihood of similar results, which addresses issues regarding humane and ethical treatment, as obviously, a method of which the end results were found to be negative or devastating would not want to be tried numerous times, while instances which resulted in positive or successful rates of treatment and management would likely want to be repeated in similar cases, which would hopefully result in findings that resemble the original results, allowing time, money and resources be spent on the discovery of successful treatment for cases of behaviors or acts which may not have as much documented research or findings within that specified field or area, allowing improvement and increased data collection within the field of juvenile sexual crimes. This, in turn, would provide improvement, as a whole, which would assist in development of future research and positive treatment or care to those who become involved with the system as offenders or victims in future generations. (Rich, P., 2003)
Goals of compilation and publishing of research, findings and recommendations regarding juvenile and adolescent sexual offenders in society involve many objectives. These include increasing awareness of the problem to general society, relaying results of findings of research to a broad audience in hopes of sharing instances and results to those involved with increasing efficiency and productive results within the field and providing a compilation of methods, examples and instances for reference in the future to provide assistance and relevant input within the chosen career field of Psychological Human Services, specifically the field of juveniles with mental or developmental disabilities and/or disorders of a forensic nature and involvement within the court system, in order to actively contribute and provide successful methods of treatment, training and prevention in the field and specific area involving employment. Further goals include the compilation of information to be presented and referenced should the career opportunity of teaching Psychology within an institution of higher education become available and accessed, in order to have organized referenced documentation involving the subject of sexual offenders of a juvenile classification be accessible for sharing and distribution, which will assist in efficiently sharing results of researched information and procedures of treatment and care which can be evaluated and studied for means of improvement of the said procedures or suggest areas in which further research and/or improvement is needed, which will positively effect the field, as a whole by sharing this information with students who may go to work within the field of criminal psychology involving juvenile criminal sexual behaviors in various areas, which will further distribute the information with the hope of gaining consistency and targeting areas of need, which will also improve study of the field as a whole. (Children’s Service, 2002)
The study of juvenile sexual offenses has not been widely pursued as a subject of interest in the field of criminal psychology in a historical perspective. Per Jones, (2007) one of the most documented studies of adolescent sexual offenses occurred in the early 1980s, when a therapist named Robert Longo began treating adolescent boys who had committed sexual offenses. Offenses of the boys ranged from fondling peers a few years younger than they were to the outright raping of young children. Treatment included in Longo’s research included the boys keeping journals with details of sexual fantasies, as well as documentation of logs that tracked the frequency of these fantasies and their extent of severity, such as whether the fantasy was “a passing thought,” or severe enough that the individual had to “act” on the thoughts to which self-gratification was deemed necessary. Longo based treatment on the idea that sex offending is an addiction and that teenagers should be monitored for any triggers that may initiate a “cycle” of re-offending. With this approach in mind, Longo developed treatment in the form of “relapse-prevention plans,” which would track probable stimuli in risk of re-offending as well as an “action plan” should targeted stimuli come in contact with the individual. (Jones, 2007).
Historically, the perspective of juvenile sexual offenders was considered “new” in the 1980s. Much of the treatment, including that of Longo, was based on the same techniques used in the treatment model of adult sexual offenders. Adult offenders, however, do not account for development within an adolescent as well as the impact of family and environment affect the behavior of the adolescent. It appears that juveniles who commit offenses of a sexual nature tend to differ from adult sexual offenders. (Aggrawal, 2009) It is estimated that juveniles account for almost 25% of documented sexual offenses in the United States. Statistics show that rape, which can be construed as the most serious of sexual offenses in juveniles has declined in the last decade, court cases involving other sexual offenses in adolescents have risen. (Children’s Service, 2002) During the period of the late 1980’s and early 1990’s, following Longo’s experimental research, it appeared that sex offenses in general weren’t taken seriously by the justice system, and cases involving juvenile offenders were especially noted as not being thoroughly addressed. At the same time, however, it appears the public was taking an active interest and the victims’ rights movement in society began. (Jones, 2007) Attention to sexual abuse was being demanded and at this time the development of centers and hot-lines for rape crisis were being developed and the government began allotting states money within the budget for victim services.
In the early 1990’s the topic of crimes committed of a sexual nature became one of the leading sensations of the media. News stories began targeting the stories of young girls who were raped and sometimes murdered, even though the majority of offenses against juveniles (80%-90%) are committed by someone the victim knows. (Ryan, Lane, Davis, Isaac, 2010) Author, Philip Jenkins (1998), states that with the increased awareness of sexual crimes, society’s next step was to focus on the offenders, including adolescent offenders, which was one of the biggest fears in society due to the media implementing a state of constant paranoia. Per Jenkins, “first it’s adult predators, and then it’s ‘what about children?’ To draw attention, you have to up the ante. The issue moves up a notch and you can’t move it back so easily.”
With the increased awareness that resulted from the media’s huge grasp on sexually related crimes as well as the government’s interest sparking in the field, the recognition and regulation of sexual crimes and offenders appeared to flourish in the early 1990’s. One of the best known examples is Megan’s Law, which was implemented in 1996. (Rathus, Nevid, Fichner-Rathus, 2011) Since 1994 federal law has required many offenders of sexual crimes to register with the police in order to provide possible aid in investigations regarding sex-crimes. Megan’s Law, taking this a step further, mandates that local law enforcement agencies provide public notification to the community about convicted offenders within the community. In the current times of increased technological awareness; this law, which also goes by Community-Notification Law, often uses websites to provide access to this information. There is no distinction between juvenile and adult offenders on these websites, however, meaning on many state websites for sexual offenders, one can find the names, addresses, date of birth, as well as oftentimes photographs of juveniles who have committed any sexual offense. (Jones, 2007) According to Jones (2007), the increase in federal awareness has heightened the targeting of juvenile sexual offenders through the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act. This act authorized the creation of a federal internet based registry that allows law enforcement officials to tract sex offenders, ages 14 and older, who have engaged in genital, anal or oral-genital contact with children younger than 12.
Throughout the past three decades, awareness of sexual crimes, including those committed by adolescents, has drastically risen. With the implementation of Megan’s Law and the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act the community is eased from some of their paranoia through the access of knowledge via notification by law enforcement. It appears, however, that the classification of adolescent has been somewhat contradicted when sexual crimes are the focus of study. For the most part, the records of youths’ are protected from being publicly discussed and remain confidential. This appears to be contributed to a theory that children are less responsible for their actions in part to cognitive development, meaning that they are less worthy of blame and possibly more amenable to rehabilitation. With the two aforementioned acts, however, this issue of confidentiality is ignored since the photographs, addresses and ages of sexual offenders are published for anyone to view, alongside those of adult offenders. Based on the limited information found regarding research and studies of juvenile sexual offenders that has occurred, as well as the broad federal laws affecting sexual offenders as a group, versus distinguished into age categories, it appears that juvenile sexual offenders are not classified the same as adolescents within the juvenile justice system who commit other, non-sexual, acts. It appears the justice system considers adolescent sexual offenders to be more fixed in traits, incurable and more dangerous. One could construe from this that the justice system classifies juveniles who have committed sex crimes to be more similar to adults that have committed sexual crimes than they are to juveniles who have committed other, non-sexual crimes.
Based on a review of the historical perspective of sexual offenses committed by adolescents regarding the topic of this research it appears that there are several “problems” to be identified and addressed. The largest of these problems, which consumes many of the related issues, is simply the lack of organized research that has been targeted on juvenile sexual offenders as a unique class of offenders. Much of the found history of the development of programs to treat, prevent and manage behaviors of adolescent sexual offenders has been the same types of treatment used in programs that treat adult sexual offenders. Based on research found it appears that many of the current laws affecting individuals who are adolescent sexual offenders offer the same consequences as adult offenders often receive when sentenced.
It is found that the brain of a human continues to develop and grow until the individual reaches the age of 21 to 22. (Rathus, Nevis, Fichner-Rathus, 2011) Due to this finding, it should be considered that the treatment, training and rehabilitation of adolescent sexual offenders should be focused on the psychological aspect of human cognitive development versus the type of crime committed. When an adolescent has committed a crime of a sexual nature, the source of the urges should be validly explored and attempted to be determined in order to seek the appropriate consequences and method of rehabilitation in order to minimize the chances of reoccurrence as much as possible. Various factors, statistics and variables should be considered when evaluating an adolescent involved in an inappropriate sexual behavior.
Society tends to teach female children in early childhood to be aware of the potential risk of victimization and to avoid situations which could result in becoming a victim of a sexual crime. It appears however that the victimization of males is not considered as thoroughly, though male children are more often victims of serious physical injury from abuse than females and make up at least 25% of the victims of sexual abuse. Males of all ages are oftentimes victims of both violent crimes and property crimes than their female peers. (Ryan, Lane, Davis, Isaac, 2010) While considering this information it is also recommended to consider the lack of recognition of the impact of abuse on the male victim available. Research shows there are very few services for male victims that attempt to identify and aid in him coping with the feelings that occur upon being the victim of abuse. These feelings include anger, powerlessness and lack of control, all of which contradicts the influences males receive through various channels of appropriate feelings when growing up. (Children’s Service, 2002) Male children are often brought up with the expectation of learning to protect and defend oneself. If school children are playing on a playground, and a female child is hit by a peer, she is told to report the incident to the teacher, seeking protection. The male child, however, is often taught to “hit him back,” which teaches the male that he must learn to protect himself, and that there will be no one to protect him if he cannot protect himself. Consequently, when a young male is victimized, he finds himself powerless to defend himself, and when he is the victim of sexual abuse, the feeling of vulnerability would most likely go even deeper than one of physical abuse, since sexual abuse is often said to affect one’s emotional security on a deeper level. (Jenkins, 1998) Male children are brought up to believe that he has failed as a male, and perhaps was even at fault for his victimization. With that feeling, and lack of support, it is very unlikely that he will seek help or protection, instead internalizing the security of his own victimization, repressing the feelings of anger and powerlessness. It will likely be found, however, that these feelings are unable to be permanently repressed, and will eventually be released on someone else, creating another victimization, ultimately returning that sense of power and providing an outlet for the repressed anger.
There are numerous theories proposed to explain why some children and teens sexually abuse others, though there is so solid evidence of any “formula” supporting concrete evidence of the reason this occurs. The theory most widely accepted today is known as the “learning theory,” which states that sexually abusive behavior in children can be linked to various factors. These factors include extreme exposure to violence and/or sexuality, victimization experiences in early childhood, exposure to pornography, substance abuse and exposure to aggressive role models involving family violence. (Hickey, 2006) (Children’s Service, 2002)
While the problem states that there is limited research pertaining to juvenile sexual offenders, as a group, research shows what can be expected; that every child is unique. Because of this, adolescents who commit sexual crimes, and all crimes in general, can have various behavior traits and the progression of these traits can greatly vary from one child to another. There are, however, some traits that that tend to be prominent among adolescent sexual offenders. Rich (2003) explains that approximately nine of ten adolescent sexual offenders are male, and that most commit their primary sexual offense before the age of 12-14. It should also be noted that adolescent sexual offenders are found in every class, socioeconomically, and in every racial, ethnic, religious and cultural group. (Knox & Schacht, 2010) Adolescents who sexually abuse tend to be more likely to have a history of being physically, sexually or otherwise abused. Jenkins (2008) estimates that somewhere between 40% to 80% of adolescents who exhibit inappropriate sexual behaviors have an incident of being sexually abused, themselves, and around 20% to 50% have been victims of physical abuse.
Robert Longo, who’s done some of the most variable research and studies on sexual offenders in adolescence believes that some history of victimization is practically universal within the class of juvenile offenders. Longo states, “As I think back to the thousands of sex offenders I have interviewed and the hundreds I have treated, I cannot think of many cases in which a patient didn’t have some history of abuse, neglect, family dysfunction, or some form of maltreatment within his or her history.” (Jones, 2007)
According to Volume VII, Section II of Children’s Service Progress Notes (May 2002) juvenile sexual offenders share some other common traits as well. These include having difficulties with impulse control and judgment and somewhere between 30% to 60% of adolescent offenders are affected by learning disabilities and/or academic dysfunction. It’s also estimated that up to 80% of juvenile sexual offenders have a diagnosable, and often treatable, psychiatric disorder.
It should also be noted that research has shown that a minority of sexually abusive children have deviant sexual arousal and interest patterns. Most patterns of sexual arousal among adolescent offenders tend to be recurrent and intense and usually are directly connected to the nature of the sexual behavioral issue, whether it be arousal to young children, dominating/forceful sexual behaviors or even the emotional need of contact which can lead to frotteurism or voyeurism. (Hickey, 2006) Clinical observation and empirical research indicate that sexual offenders of an adolescent classification fall into two groups: those who sexually abuse children, and those who victimize peers and groups. (Children’s Service, 2002) The individuals within the two groups tend to have clear differences in victims they select, patterns of offense, social/criminal histories, behavioral patterns and treatment required.
While research has been performed to solidify theories that juvenile sexual offenders are different than adult offenders in many ways, including reasons for offending, developmental factors, undiagnosed or untreated psychiatric disorders and exposure to stimulating factors within the home environment the problem still exists within the most prominent weakness in the issue addressed; the means of treatment, consequences, and future directions to minimize reoccurrence in order to help these juveniles overcome obstacles causing them to commit sexual crimes. The legal system, and society as a whole tends to be more focused on assuring the individual is acknowledged and “classed” as a sex offender than they are on seeking answers and effective treatment.
In order to productively impact the issue of sexual offenders in the juvenile population it appears as if the entire stance of focus by the legal system and society on the group should be amended in the way that adolescent sexual offenders are viewed. Rather than viewing the group as, first, sex offenders, perhaps the individuals should instead be looked at primarily as children. Per Jones (2007), research by the National Institutes of Health shows that the human brain doesn’t complete the maturing process until the person is in their early to mid 20s. In the 2005 case of Roper v. Simmons the Supreme Court acknowledged this when they determined adolescents, even up to the age of 17, were not appropriate for the death penalty because they “cannot with reliability be classified among the worst offenders,” due to this lack of development. The final stages of development within the brain occur in the frontal lobe, which things adolescents lack in the decision making process are learned, such as impulse control, development of morals and emotion regulation. (Rathus, S.A., Nevid, J.S., Fichner-Rathus, L., 2011) This means adolescents tend to be impulsive, while adult offenders who have completed this development tend to be more compulsive, leading to behaviors such as grooming, where the offender selects their victim and could spend weeks or months in preparation of the sexual victimization. Though juveniles can easily determine the difference between right and wrong, the perceiving of the possible risks and consequences are often not considered. When applied to individuals who may have a developmental disorder or psychiatric illness, this impulse control can be even more weak within the individual’s mind. While there are currently treatment facilities for juvenile offenders, many are often committed only after they have performed what the court defines as a “serious” incident (which can vary among courts), and often these facilities focus on treatment of the sexual behavior, alone, instead of looking at the juvenile as a whole and discovering the root of the problem, why the offense was committed and what can possibly be done to assist in the further development of the child to correct the weak area in development and/or the environmental factors which could have contributed to the committing of the offense and what can be done to prevent further instances of inappropriate behavior.
While treatment facilities can be effective if needs are targeted correctly, it is felt that these facilities should take a “step-up” in their means of preventing further incidents. Also the justice system, as a whole, should began viewing adolescent sexual offenders as individuals who have not completed the cognitive development process versus viewing them as hard-core sexual predators. It is important to also remember that each individual and their offense is different, and should be treated as such. Doing this would mean amending laws such as the Adam Walsh Act and similar legislation. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders a diagnosis of pedophilia requires a person to be at least 16 years old with “recurrent, intense, sexually arousing fantasies” over a period of six months or longer, and that he acts upon with a child who is at least five years younger. (Aggrawal, 2009) It appears, however, that it would be risky diagnosing a 16 year old with pedophilia. At the age of 16 a teenager’s history of sexual interest is relatively short, especially compared to that of a 40 year old who has a history of behaviors associated with pedophilia.
Juvenile assessment tests, which include questions about a youth’s sexual history, antisocial behavior and support system help clinicians evaluate risks of re-offending in adolescents. These assessments, however, have not been scientifically validated and can be difficult for juveniles due to cognitive transitions in thought based on stages of brain development. Because of this these assessments are often affective for tracking risks of immediate occurrences of inappropriate behaviors but are unreliable in determining whether the individual is a long term risk of re-offending.
Because of these cognitive transitions, the Adam Walsh Act and other similar laws risks ensnaring and labeling low-risk teens who are not heading toward becoming adult sexual offenders. Studies show that recidivism for juveniles who commit sexual offenses is around 10%. Lower than most other juvenile offenses such as property and substance crimes. (Jones, 2007) It’s also significantly lower than adult sexual offenders, which ranges from 25%-50%.
Due to these findings, it is recommended that focus be placed on the treatment, care and management of the individual in order to better prepare him or her for adult life and responsibilities. Upon committing a sexual crime, assessments should be completed to identify any factors that could contribute to the instance of sexual abuse, and treatment should be based on focusing on the factors identified, whether it be exposure to inappropriate stimuli within the home, a history of victimization towards the offender or other variables affecting development and behaviors which can be an influence within the chances of re-offending for the child.
While juvenile sexual offenders can are often involved in serious crimes involving sexual victimization of another, they are also often times involved in “experimental” or learning behaviors which end up victimizing another. Due to lack of research, stereotypes within society and legal tendencies of action towards these juveniles as sex offenders, versus undeveloped humans, there are many “holes” and areas of improvement needed within the treatment, care and management of behaviors for adolescent sexual offenders. It is recommended that the laws and legislation which has “grouped” juveniles and adults into one class of “sex offenders” be reviewed, and the legal system begin viewing adolescent sexual offenders as children first, instead of sexual offenders. Further suggestions include notice of the development process of the human brain by the juvenile justice system involving adolescent sexual offenders, which include lack of impulse control and undeveloped morals within the brain of a child. With this acknowledgement, it is recommended that the treatment and behavior management of juvenile sexual offenders be focused on the cognitive development, possible presence of undiagnosed or untreated mental or developmental disorders, as well as stimuli present within the environment of the offender which may have contributed to the offense. With this knowledge, the direction of treatment should be focused on implementing strategies which work towards overcoming identified barriers in order to assist in further brain development as the adolescent moves into adulthood. Consistent open communication regarding sexual interests should be implemented, which should be used in training the individual in appropriate sexual behavior and establish a coping mechanism for the child should they continue to get urges which may not be appropriate. Long term monitoring and frequent follow-ups are also recommended to minimize repeated instances of victimization of others, as well as to provide support to the offender as they continue to grow and mature into adults. It is believed that if this proactive approach is taken instead of classifying and punishing an adolescent offender immediately following an offense the recidivism rates will continue to drop, and the knowledge of appropriate behavior will also become more wide-spread, assisting individuals who are vulnerable to having inappropriate sexual behaviors in coping with pressures which may be resulted from media, celebrities, peers, or other negative influences.

References
1) Aggrawal, A. (2009). Forensic and Medico-legal Aspects of Sexual Crimes and Unusual Sexual Practices. Boca Raton, FL 33487: CRC Press: Taylor & Francis Group.

2) Children’s Service Practice Notes, Vol. VII, Sec. II. (May 2002). Working With Juvenile Sexual Offenders. Jordan Institute for Families. N.C. Retrieved from http://www.practicenotes.org/vol7_no2/understand_jso.htm

3) Hickey, E. W. (2006). Part VII: Harming Children. Part IX: Treating Sex Offenders and Community Attitudes. Sex Crimes and Paraphilia, 307-361, 449-479. Upper Saddle River, NJ, 07458: Pearson Education Inc.

4) Jenkins, P. (1998). Moral Panic: Changing Concepts of the Child Molester in Modern America. New Haven, CT. 06520. Yale University Press.

5) Jones, M., (2007). How Do You Distinguish a Budding Pedophile From a Kid With Real Boundary Problems?. The New York Times: Magazine. The New York Times Company. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/22/magazine/22juvenile-t.html.

6) Knox. D., Schacht. C., (2010). Ch. VIII: Violence & Abuse in Relationships. Ch. VIV: Stress & Crisis in Relationships. Epilogue: The Future of Marriage & the Family. Choices in Relationships: An Introduction to Marriage and the Family, (Tenth ed.). 419-481, 586-587. Belmont, CA 94002: Wadsworth, Cengage- Learning.

7) Rathus, S.A., Nevid, J.S., Fichner-Rathus, L., (2011). Human Sexuality in a World of Diversity (International Edition), (Eight ed.). Boston, MA 02116: Pearson Ed. Inc.

8) Rich, P., (2003). Understanding, Assessing & Rehabilitating Juvenile Sexual Offenders, (Second ed.). Hoboken, New Jersey: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

9) Ryan, G., Lane, S., Davis, J., Isaac, C., (2010). Adolescence Sex Offenders. Child Abuse and Neglect: The International Journal. Retrieved from http://www.hopefs.org/Behavior/juvenilesexoffenders.html.

Research Paper DRAFT for Criminal Psych: Part III Statement of Problem

2011-07-18T11:02:00.000-05:00

Statement of the Problem:
Based on a review of the historical perspective of sexual offenses committed by adolescents regarding the topic of this research it appears that there are several “problems” to be identified and addressed. The largest of these problems, which consumes many of the related issues, is simply the lack of organized research that has been targeted on juvenile sexual offenders as a unique class of offenders. Much of the found history of the development of programs to treat, prevent and manage behaviors of adolescent sexual offenders has been the same types of treatment used in programs that treat adult sexual offenders. Based on research found it appears that many of the current laws affecting individuals who are adolescent sexual offenders offer the same consequences as adult offenders often receive when sentenced.
It is found that the brain of a human continues to develop and grow until the individual reaches the age of 21 to 22. (Rathus, Nevis, Fichner-Rathus, 2011) Due to this finding, it should be considered that the treatment, training and rehabilitation of adolescent sexual offenders should be focused on the psychological aspect of human cognitive development versus the type of crime committed. When an adolescent has committed a crime of a sexual nature, the source of the urges should be validly explored and attempted to be determined in order to seek the appropriate consequences and method of rehabilitation in order to minimize the chances of reoccurrence as much as possible. Various factors, statistics and variables should be considered when evaluating an adolescent involved in an inappropriate sexual behavior.
Society tends to teach female children in early childhood to be aware of the potential risk of victimization and to avoid situations which could result in becoming a victim of a sexual crime. It appears however that the victimization of males is not considered as thoroughly, though male children are more often victims of serious physical injury from abuse than females and make up at least 25% of the victims of sexual abuse. Males of all ages are oftentimes victims of both violent crimes and property crimes than their female peers. (Ryan, Lane, Davis, Isaac, 2010) While considering this information it is also recommended to consider the lack of recognition of the impact of abuse on the male victim available. Research shows there are very few services for male victims that attempt to identify and aid in him coping with the feelings that occur upon being the victim of abuse. These feelings include anger, powerlessness and lack of control, all of which contradicts the influences males receive through various channels of appropriate feelings when growing up. (Children’s Service, 2002) Male children are often brought up with the expectation of learning to protect and defend oneself. If school children are playing on a playground, and a female child is hit by a peer, she is told to report the incident to the teacher, seeking protection. The male child, however, is often taught to “hit him back,” which teaches the male that he must learn to protect himself, and that there will be no one to protect him if he cannot protect himself. Consequently, when a young male is victimized, he finds himself powerless to defend himself, and when he is the victim of sexual abuse, the feeling of vulnerability would most likely go even deeper than one of physical abuse, since sexual abuse is often said to affect one’s emotional security on a deeper level. (Jenkins, 1998) Male children are brought up to believe that he has failed as a male, and perhaps was even at fault for his victimization. With that feeling, and lack of support, it is very unlikely that he will seek help or protection, instead internalizing the security of his own victimization, repressing the feelings of anger and powerlessness. It will likely be found, however, that these feelings are unable to be permanently repressed, and will eventually be released on someone else, creating another victimization, ultimately returning that sense of power and providing an outlet for the repressed anger.
There are numerous theories proposed to explain why some children and teens sexually abuse others, though there is so solid evidence of any “formula” supporting concrete evidence of the reason this occurs. The theory most widely accepted today is known as the “learning theory,” which states that sexually abusive behavior in children can be linked to various factors. These factors include extreme exposure to violence and/or sexuality, victimization experiences in early childhood, exposure to pornography, substance abuse and exposure to aggressive role models involving family violence. (Hickey, 2006) (Children’s Service, 2002)
While the problem states that there is limited research pertaining to juvenile sexual offenders, as a group, research shows what can be expected; that every child is unique. Because of this, adolescents who commit sexual crimes, and all crimes in general, can have various behavior traits and the progression of these traits can greatly vary from one child to another. There are, however, some traits that that tend to be prominent among adolescent sexual offenders. Rich (2003) explains that approximately nine of ten adolescent sexual offenders are male, and that most commit their primary sexual offense before the age of 12-14. It should also be noted that adolescent sexual offenders are found in every class, socioeconomically, and in every racial, ethnic, religious and cultural group. (Knox & Schacht, 2010) Adolescents who sexually abuse tend to be more likely to have a history of being physically, sexually or otherwise abused. Jenkins (2008) estimates that somewhere between 40% to 80% of adolescents who exhibit inappropriate sexual behaviors have an incident of being sexually abused, themselves, and around 20% to 50% have been victims of physical abuse.
Robert Longo, who’s done some of the most variable research and studies on sexual offenders in adolescence believes that some history of victimization is practically universal within the class of juvenile offenders. Longo states, “As I think back to the thousands of sex offenders I have interviewed and the hundreds I have treated, I cannot think of many cases in which a patient didn’t have some history of abuse, neglect, family dysfunction, or some form of maltreatment within his or her history.” (Jones, 2007)
According to Volume VII, Section II of Children’s Service Progress Notes (May 2002) juvenile sexual offenders share some other common traits as well. These include having difficulties with impulse control and judgment and somewhere between 30% to 60% of adolescent offenders are affected by learning disabilities and/or academic dysfunction. It’s also estimated that up to 80% of juvenile sexual offenders have a diagnosable, and often treatable, psychiatric disorder.
It should also be noted that research has shown that a minority of sexually abusive children have deviant sexual arousal and interest patterns. Most patterns of sexual arousal among adolescent offenders tend to be recurrent and intense and usually are directly connected to the nature of the sexual behavioral issue, whether it be arousal to young children, dominating/forceful sexual behaviors or even the emotional need of contact which can lead to frotteurism or voyeurism. (Hickey, 2006) Clinical observation and empirical research indicate that sexual offenders of an adolescent classification fall into two groups: those who sexually abuse children, and those who victimize peers and groups. (Children’s Service, 2002) The individuals within the two groups tend to have clear differences in victims they select, patterns of offense, social/criminal histories, behavioral patterns and treatment required.
While research has been performed to solidify theories that juvenile sexual offenders are different than adult offenders in many ways, including reasons for offending, developmental factors, undiagnosed or untreated psychiatric disorders and exposure to stimulating factors within the home environment the problem still exists within the most prominent weakness in the issue addressed; the means of treatment, consequences, and future directions to minimize reoccurrence in order to help these juveniles overcome obstacles causing them to commit sexual crimes. The legal system, and society as a whole tends to be more focused on assuring the individual is acknowledged and “classed” as a sex offender than they are on seeking answers and effective treatment.

Research Paper DRAFT for Criminal Psych: Part II (History)

2011-07-17T23:19:00.001-05:00

Historical Perspective: (8 of 15 Pages Complete)

The study of juvenile sexual offenses has not been widely pursued as a subject of interest in the field of criminal psychology in a historical perspective. Per Jones, (2007) one of the most documented studies of adolescent sexual offenses occurred in the early 1980s, when a therapist named Robert Longo began treating adolescent boys who had committed sexual offenses. Offenses of the boys ranged from fondling peers a few years younger than they were to the outright raping of young children. Treatment included in Longo’s research included the boys keeping journals with details of sexual fantasies, as well as documentation of logs that tracked the frequency of these fantasies and their extent of severity, such as whether the fantasy was “a passing thought,” or severe enough that the individual had to “act” on the thoughts to which self-gratification was deemed necessary. Longo based treatment on the idea that sex offending is an addiction and that teenagers should be monitored for any triggers that may initiate a “cycle” of re-offending. With this approach in mind, Longo developed treatment in the form of “relapse-prevention plans,” which would track probable stimuli in risk of re-offending as well as an “action plan” should targeted stimuli come in contact with the individual. (Jones, 2007).
Historically, the perspective of juvenile sexual offenders was considered “new” in the 1980s. Much of the treatment, including that of Longo, was based on the same techniques used in the treatment model of adult sexual offenders. Adult offenders, however, do not account for development within an adolescent as well as the impact of family and environment affect the behavior of the adolescent. It appears that juveniles who commit offenses of a sexual nature tend to differ from adult sexual offenders. (Aggrawal, 2009) It is estimated that juveniles account for almost 25% of documented sexual offenses in the United States. Statistics show that rape, which can be construed as the most serious of sexual offenses in juveniles has declined in the last decade, court cases involving other sexual offenses in adolescents have risen. (Children’s Service, 2002) During the period of the late 1980’s and early 1990’s, following Longo’s experimental research, it appeared that sex offenses in general weren’t taken seriously by the justice system, and cases involving juvenile offenders were especially noted as not being thoroughly addressed. At the same time, however, it appears the public was taking an active interest and the victims’ rights movement in society began. (Jones, 2007) Attention to sexual abuse was being demanded and at this time the development of centers and hot-lines for rape crisis were being developed and the government began allotting states money within the budget for victim services.
In the early 1990’s the topic of crimes committed of a sexual nature became one of the leading sensations of the media. News stories began targeting the stories of young girls who were raped and sometimes murdered, even though the majority of offenses against juveniles (80%-90%) are committed by someone the victim knows. (Ryan, Lane, Davis, Isaac, 2010) Author, Philip Jenkins (1998), states that with the increased awareness of sexual crimes, society’s next step was to focus on the offenders, including adolescent offenders, which was one of the biggest fears in society due to the media implementing a state of constant paranoia. Per Jenkins, “first it’s adult predators, and then it’s ‘what about children?’ To draw attention, you have to up the ante. The issue moves up a notch and you can’t move it back so easily.”
With the increased awareness that resulted from the media’s huge grasp on sexually related crimes as well as the government’s interest sparking in the field, the recognition and regulation of sexual crimes and offenders appeared to flourish in the early 1990’s. One of the best known examples is Megan’s Law, which was implemented in 1996. (Rathus, Nevid, Fichner-Rathus, 2011) Since 1994 federal law has required many offenders of sexual crimes to register with the police in order to provide possible aid in investigations regarding sex-crimes. Megan’s Law, taking this a step further, mandates that local law enforcement agencies provide public notification to the community about convicted offenders within the community. In the current times of increased technological awareness; this law, which also goes by Community-Notification Law, often uses websites to provide access to this information. There is no distinction between juvenile and adult offenders on these websites, however, meaning on many state websites for sexual offenders, one can find the names, addresses, date of birth, as well as oftentimes photographs of juveniles who have committed any sexual offense. (Jones, 2007) According to Jones (2007), the increase in federal awareness has heightened the targeting of juvenile sexual offenders through the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act. This act authorized the creation of a federal internet based registry that allows law enforcement officials to tract sex offenders, ages 14 and older, who have engaged in genital, anal or oral-genital contact with children younger than 12.
Throughout the past three decades, awareness of sexual crimes, including those committed by adolescents, has drastically risen. With the implementation of Megan’s Law and the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act the community is eased from some of their paranoia through the access of knowledge via notification by law enforcement. It appears, however, that the classification of adolescent has been somewhat contradicted when sexual crimes are the focus of study. For the most part, the records of youths’ are protected from being publicly discussed and remain confidential. This appears to be contributed to a theory that children are less responsible for their actions in part to cognitive development, meaning that they are less worthy of blame and possibly more amenable to rehabilitation. With the two aforementioned acts, however, this issue of confidentiality is ignored since the photographs, addresses and ages of sexual offenders are published for anyone to view, alongside those of adult offenders. Based on the limited information found regarding research and studies of juvenile sexual offenders that has occurred, as well as the broad federal laws affecting sexual offenders as a group, versus distinguished into age categories, it appears that juvenile sexual offenders are not classified the same as adolescents within the juvenile justice system who commit other, non-sexual, acts. It appears the justice system considers adolescent sexual offenders to be more fixed in traits, incurable and more dangerous. One could construe from this that the justice system classifies juveniles who have committed sex crimes to be more similar to adults that have committed sexual crimes than they are to juveniles who have committed other, non-sexual crimes.

Research Paper DRAFT for Criminal Psych: Part I (Intro)

2011-07-17T15:55:00.003-05:00

Part I: Introduction (4 of 15 Pages)

The problem that will be discussed is the issue of juvenile/adolescent sexual offenders in present day society. This topic was selected as the problem of research due to the increased number of juvenile sexual offenders appearing in the media, including the circumstances and variables of causes for occurrences, such as decreased parental supervision, medical and/or mental disorders, societal influences on adolescents regarding nature and norms of sexual behavior, and other possible factors that contribute to increased sexual behaviors in individuals that could cause or result in these individuals displaying a maladaptive sexual behavior while classified as a juvenile. For reference purposes, the term “Juvenile and/or Adolescent (Sexual) Offender” within this project will be defined as “a youth, from puberty to the legal age of majority, who commits any sexual act with a person of any age, against the victims will, without consent, or in an aggressive, exploitative or threatening manner.” (Ryan, Lane, Davis, & Isaac, 2010)
Current policies and laws implemented within the legal system regarding treatment, consequences, risks of re-offending, methods of prevention and other practices will be addressed in order to critique effectiveness and depth of developmental factors addressed in the legal system which target the prevention and management of inappropriate sexual behaviors within the adolescent population in order to lower the future instances and occurrences of these behaviors and effectively treat individuals who have committed these offenses with the goal of reducing the current statistics in the future. Variable factors will be considered, including the percentages of sexual offenders who are male versus those who are female, as well as ratio of male to females as victims in sexual crimes involving adolescents. Another factor of consideration includes cases of offenders who are classified as incapacitated within the court system, such as juveniles being dually diagnosed with both mental illness and mental retardation. Statistics of individuals committing sexual offenses from various ranges of age within the classification of juvenile and adolescent will be considered, as well as recidivism statistics within various age ranges and other factors deemed relevant which could support research and conclusions determined in regards to specific causes and diagnoses influencing adolescent sexual offenders within various age, developmental, gender-based, ethnic and cultural groups in which these crimes occur.
Research in this area is significant due to the increased number of sexual crimes committed by adolescent individuals in the present time versus statistics reported in decades past. Increased sexual crimes committed by juveniles today is significant due to the impact these crimes have on the future of society, since the juveniles of today are the adults of the future, which include the future workforce, political influences, developers of policies or laws, media reporters, and even celebrities who’s sexual values and practices will have influence on the youth of the following generation. The impact of increased sexual offenders classified as juvenile is also deemed relevant and in need of addressing due to the fact that those who are victims of sexual crimes impact the future of society as well, and as research shows, victims of sexual offenses often are affected mentally to the point of developing mental or emotional disorders and even, in some cases, developing inappropriate sexual behaviors themselves, which may result in a victim of a sexual abuse crime victimizing someone else in a sexual nature, which results in the chain of sexual offenses growing to include even more offenders.
Addressing the problem of sexual offenses committed and the resulting treatment, care and methods of prevention of further damage or offenses is also greatly relevant due to the fact that discussion of experiences, results, and findings already completed can provide insight to efficiently diagnose and treat both offenders and victims in a faster or more productive way due to past data of similar occurrences being used to determine methods which may or may not have been affective in past instances, which results in researchers saving time, money and resources by referencing these instances, as well as possible effectiveness in treatment and care of offenders and victims by comparing signs, symptoms and crimes to past examples of a similar nature which may have resulted in either positive and successful results in managing issues or poor and devastating results, which increase likelihood of similar results, which addresses issues regarding humane and ethical treatment, as obviously, a method of which the end results were found to be negative or devastating would not want to be tried numerous times, while instances which resulted in positive or successful rates of treatment and management would likely want to be repeated in similar cases, which would hopefully result in findings that resemble the original results, allowing time, money and resources be spent on the discovery of successful treatment for cases of behaviors or acts which may not have as much documented research or findings within that specified field or area, allowing improvement and increased data collection within the field of juvenile sexual crimes. This, in turn, would provide improvement, as a whole, which would assist in development of future research and positive treatment or care to those who become involved with the system as offenders or victims in future generations.
Goals of compilation and publishing of research, findings and recommendations regarding juvenile and adolescent sexual offenders in society involve many objectives. These include increasing awareness of the problem to general society, relaying results of findings of research to a broad audience in hopes of sharing instances and results to those involved with increasing efficiency and productive results within the field and providing a compilation of methods, examples and instances for reference in the future to provide assistance and relevant input within the chosen career field of Psychological Human Services, specifically the field of juveniles with mental or developmental disabilities and/or disorders of a forensic nature and involvement within the court system, in order to actively contribute and provide successful methods of treatment, training and prevention in the field and specific area involving employment. Further goals include the compilation of information to be presented and referenced should the career opportunity of teaching Psychology within an institution of higher education become available and accessed, in order to have organized referenced documentation involving the subject of sexual offenders of a juvenile classification be accessible for sharing and distribution, which will assist in efficiently sharing results of researched information and procedures of treatment and care which can be evaluated and studied for means of improvement of the said procedures or suggest areas in which further research and/or improvement is needed, which will positively effect the field, as a whole by sharing this information with students who may go to work within the field of criminal psychology involving juvenile criminal sexual behaviors in various areas, which will further distribute the information with the hope of gaining consistency and targeting areas of need, which will also improve study of the field as a whole.

E-mail Reply...

2010-09-08T06:12:00.002-05:00

The following text is a reply to an email between my main beeotch D'Amber & myself. After typing it, I wanted to repost it here, just to share these thoughts.
-cs

"I’ve read the “Child Called It” but couldn’t do the others. I can’t allow myself to be subjected to that b/c it leaves me depressed & sick for weeks after I see/hear/read it.

*** & I have more in common than most people will ever know. While abuse & neglect can be purposeful, it can also be done without knowing. That, though, is a story for another time.

*****’s family wants him locked up here forever because he’s an embarrassment to them & their family. They don’t care enough about him to work with him & give him the help & structure he needs/deserves. It’s like they view him as a “lost cause,” which is fine for me because it’s their loss and my gain.

I may not be able to give him the “ideal” family, but I can guarantee he’ll have a family that loves & cares about him. I was brought up that family can be anyone, any size or whatever works. While my (mom’s) family (who I’m closest to) is conventional at most, they were all taught that family & love are synonymic and everyone deserves both. There are so many “loose ends” in my family tree due to cousins, aunts & uncles being adopted, or even others being “unofficially” adopted.

People always say that blood is thicker than water. I don’t believe that. Families are people that you’re “stuck” with regardless, and have to deal with. Friends are people that you don’t have to ever be tied to, but they’re important enough that you refuse to let them go. It’s simple how someone unrelated can quickly become closer and deeper than anyone who shares blood with you.

I’m just thankful that I have so many people in my life that I can share those bonds with. Bonds from the heart outweigh blood-ties any day."

<3<3<3

Life-Strength-Actions

2010-08-15T12:14:00.004-05:00

Song lyrics say the words that my heart is screaming, but my mouth is afraid to even whisper.

Right now, I don't know where I'm at or what I'm doing half the time.

Life is so fast, yet so empty. My music keeps me (mostly) sane.

At 24 which direction life may choose to point.

I know what I want, what will make me happy.
But I don't know HOW to get it.

I want you, crave you, desire you.

I think you might think you want me too. I haven't figured out yet.

Call me pathetic, it's probably true, but I live life to please myself & not you.

They say it's a burden, to me it's a pleasure. They say They say They say, who are "they?"

Is it normal to want a permanent, adult life? Living in constant waiting and transitioning is not the life for me.

I want to move, fly, & be content. I want my own, not borrowed, stolen, given or such.

I want love, life, permanence, satisfaction. It doesn't have to be perfect. It (&you) just has to be mine, forever.

Who cares if their's is bigger, better, more expensive. I can make it worth it. I can be worth it, I promise that.

It shouldn't be this hard. It's only another barrier to overcome.

Will it come through? This is real life, not a fairytale. There isn't always a happy ending. Sometimes it ends in gruesome manners, bloody, gory, horrific...

As a human living in the real world, the only thing we can do it to keep hope. Hope for the best, & work our ass off in order to get the desired results.

Tears are inevitable, hearts will become broken and scarred. But to survive the fight must be there...

Fight. Strength. Love. Fear. Work.

Frustration (Another FB Note)

2010-08-15T12:07:00.002-05:00

So, I recently read a psychological-based article that recommended writing out/blogging a list of current frustrations to get them out of your head. By blogging or posting to a public forum, a person is allowed to share their feelings without having to bore someone with "woe is me" stories, or to bring someone off their high-horse with your personal issues. By writing, its there for folks to read, but no-one is obligated to listen to you drone on. Thought I'd try it since I'm feeling quite frustrated & want to get back to a peaceful state of mind. Here goes...

I'm frustrated its hot, & I'm tired of sweating.

I'm frustrated bc all this sweating is making my face break out.

I'm frustrated bc I'm 24 years old & my face breaks out like a teenager.

I'm frustrated bc I've lost 35lbs, run 12 miles weekly, control caloric intake, & am still chubby.

I'm frustrated bc I was born with traits (pale skin, red hair, freckles) that the majority of the population considers ugly.

I'm frustrated bc I'm ready for changes, but have to depend on others to do their part too.

I'm frustrated because ppl try to shove organized religion in my face.

I'm frustrated because these same people are trying to shove a symbolical knife in my back.

I'm frustrated because ppl can't mind their own business & get in my business by gossiping versus coming to the source (me) & getting correct information.
I'm frustrated bc I'm a 24 yr old, single male that doesn't whore around & chooses to focus on more important things, therefore something is "wrong" w/ me bc I don't fit the stereotype of my peer group.

I'm frustrated bc if I was a 40 year old, attractive, married man with children I wouldn't have half the problems that are currently frustrating me.

I'm frustrated because humanity has gone down the proverbial hole.

I'm frustrated bc my parents dictated my life, made choices & determined outcomes that have affected the rest of my life, but bailed once I hit adulthood & garnered more important priorities, but then get upset & tell me I'm too independent.
In fact, I'm frustrated that at times I feel like the parent instead of the child.

I'm frustrated that people complain about how miserable their life is but don't do anything to change it, yet I'm chomping at the bit to make changes that I'm unable to do, due to the initiation depending on someone else.

I'm frustrated that people assume "older means wiser." Older doesn't mean JACK, except being more opinionated, full of hot air & thinking younger ppl are stupid.

I'm frustrated that kids are taught never to settle for anything less than the best. The advice-giver has obviously never been an unnattractive young adult who only attracts potential mates he has no attraction to, but is too nice & empathetic to hurt someone elses feelings since he's experienced rejection before.

I'm frustrated that some skinny bitches can eat whatever they want while some of us (who are already not cute) can look at food & gain 30lbs.

I'm pissed bc even if I do get an "attractive" body, I can't go shirtless bc I was cursed with 4 stretch marks on my sides from a growth spurt at 12 years old.

I'm frustrated because the general population is shallow enough to think that stretch marks, freckles & body fuzz is gross. (Yet they wonder why I don't date.)

I'm frustrated bc some of the greatest people ever born are now dead, yet someone like me (average, weird, unnattractive) can live to be a hundred.

I'm pissed bc some people never realize the treasure they have (in a child, student, client) & remain oblivious to that fact while the other person suffers & has the hard life.

I'm frustrated bc just because someone decides to help, care for, or be unselfish for someone less fortunate, people assume there's obviously something "wrong," an alterior motive, or underlying benefit. It appears people aren't allowed to be nice or practice moral behaviors.

It frustrates me that I let myself get frustrated so easily.

I'm frustrated because I lack efficiency in spelling, numerical equations & other common skills that make me look ignorant.

I'm frustrated because I have too much empathy & sympathy, which causes my heart to break quite often.

I'm frustrated that some people have good opportunities (that I'd love) yet waste them.

I'm pissed that I have to work full time while going to school 3/4 time since my parents wouldn't let me go off to school following high school bc they were selfish & wanted to keep me close, yet within a month after graduation I was told I needed to get a job & had to figure out the whole fafsa, college, degree plan thing on my own.

I'm frustrated because my independent nature actually caused quite a bit of hardship due to other priorities coming first.

I'm frustrated because that frustrates me since I know there are millions that would kill for the life I had growing up (& were probably much more deserving), yet I dwell on the things I didn't like.

I'm frustrated because I have to have a feeling of relevance, which I haven't been getting lately.

I'm frustrated because I'd love to jump on a plane, fly to an underdeveloped country & get my hands dirty helping poverished populations, but I'm unable to do that due to things that tie me here.

I'm frustrated that I'm in my mid twenties & don't know what to do with my life.

I'm frustrated bc my jaw hurts due to having "weak" teeth which was given to me by genetics.

I'm frustrated that I frequently make impulse decisions that I almost always regret.

I'm frustrated that so many souls depend on me, yet there's no-one that I can depend on, & everytime I have depended on someone I've been let down, therefore Ill be damned if I let those who depend on me down, bc I accepted the obligation & I am responsible.

I'm frustrated because I just figured that out on my own, and couldve saved millions of dollars on therapy & meds trying to figure out why I'm screwed in the head.
Speaking of that, I'm frustrated that I look, talk, act, think, & feel the opposite of the characteristics I would choose for myself were I given the chance...

And finally (for now), I'm frustrated because I've typed this entire list of things & upon reviewing it, see that I sound like a spoiled brat who should be thankful for everything that has gone well instead of what hasn't. Things can always be worse, & I'm complaining about negative things while there's so many awesome things out there for me. It appears that the majority of these frustrations are my fault, one way or another, & its up to me to make sure the rest of my life is the best.

After completing this exercise I do feel better getting it out of my head & into text. I definitely recommend it to anyone who's feeling overwhelmed or stressed. Just put it out there instead of keeping it cooped up inside.
Its documented that stress, frustration & lows are natural human nature. If we didn't have the bad, how would we know to appreciate the good? I feel the important key is to recognize these feelings, not ignore them, & base what you need to do to reach the level you want to be at. I apologize for sharing negativity & putting it out there, but at least I'm sending it out into the world, away from me.

My advice for now is to always strive for what's important to you. Whether its a house, job, degree or care for a loved one. Its obvious that people are going to talk bad about you. Its probably going to piss you off or hurt your feelings, but don't waste your life worrying about them, because they're just wasting their life concentrating on you. Easier said than done, but effort is better than giving in.

Goodnight my sweet chupacabras. Have a wonderful night.

"Me & You"-(copied from a fb note I wrote)

2010-08-01T16:17:00.002-05:00

To various people:

It seems that distancing myself from you helps temporarily, but there are still times I long for the past. The past when it was mandatory to see one another daily. There wasn't a day that went by that we didn't speak on the cellular. Then one day you decided that it wasn't worth it, that I wasn't worth it. You say one thing but your actions contradicted it. I still followed, like a sheep to slaughter, knowing doom was imminent, but not changing the path that I'd let myself wander too far down. I was naíve and was learning, but didn't have the knowledge or confidence to know I deserved more.

Now I have found more, I've found you. You aren't perfect either, but you make me feel relevant. You make me feel "worth it," which is a polar opposite. Its not perfect, but it's ours and we have a lifetime to make it perfect. When I look at you I know we've loved one another in a previous life. The connection is still there. I promise I got your back & can never, ever repay you for everything you've given me. You've shown me that life is meant to be perfect & regardless of one's past, its never too late to get what you deserve. Knowing this may have saved my life, your life, his life or her life. Things like that can't even have a value assigned to them.You have my service, love, attention & devotion for ever. I promise that.

And finally to you. I don't even know you, what you look like, sound like, feel like, or anything. I have never met you, but I know you exist, somewhere in the world. There are too many people in the world for you not to exist. I don't know your age, race, residence or any of that unimportant junk, but I'm confident youre somewhere out there & I'm just waiting on faith to recognize the perfect opportunity to bring us together.

My heart may not be perfect. It may be mended, scarred, full of love, hate & cigarette smoke, but its a powerful organ. The human heart was made to beat, to spread life and to love. Hearts have the ability to grow. My heart will never be too full to add love. To my past, present and future loves, you've all got a place in my heart. A place that is always yours and I promise you will never be replaced or forgotten, for there's always room for more in my heart... <3

Careers: To Choose, or Not to Choose.

2010-08-01T15:03:00.006-05:00

So my mom was complaining about having to go back to work tomorrow (after being off the past month) & I was like "WTF?" She said that, as a school counselor, she only gets one month off, as opposed to the teachers who get like 6 or 8 weeks off. I told her that she should be glad she gets a month. At the State we only get like 12 weird holidays every year & have to work all 12 months without any kind of Winter Break, Spring Break or Summer Break.

Honestly, if I didn't detest those vile little creatures called children (glad I never was one), then I'd totally consider working for the school system...

Well maybe not... I don't think I'd fare well in an ISD.
(The next part is ONLY what I, personally, have observed throughout my time as a student as MISD & a citizen in the Mexia ISD.)

Have you any idea what they pay a first year teacher? Or a 2nd, third or 4th year teacher for that matter? At that pathetic base pay, not even the school holiday-breaks would be worth it because I'd be having to work a 2nd job during Christmas, spring & summer breaks just to survive financially...

Plus, from what I've observed from watching MISD, the politics are worse than working for the State. Not only do you have the Superintendent & a Principal or 3 (which I've heard at MISD have a major favoritism problem),but you also have an elected Board, who chooses whether or not to renew your annual contract, based on what they feel & hear instead of actually observing you teaching in the classroom. It all appears to be way too high on the "buddy" system, which is not good for me since I prefer to work my tail off to prove that I can do my job, & not kiss the behinds of people who may or may not renew my contract because I'm not a member of the right crowd.

On top of that, there is few little room for advancement in the school system. You start as a teacher (making pennies every month) and the only way you're going to advance is if you go back to school (and debt) to finish a Masters degree in a certain field, then hope you're part of the right crowd to get a position in your ISD as either a counselor, principal or reading/math/English specialist. If you're in a horribly political district (like MISD) & not in the right group, you will probably have to end up finding a job in another district which means uprooting your family, leaving your friends and so forth, just to advance your career to try to make something of yourself & help your family. If you choose the Administration route, after serving several thankless years as a principle, you're then eligible to apply for a position as a district Superintendent. From what I've observed in Mexia, Superintendents generally come from another district (where they've been run off from their board) and only serve one or two contract periods before their Board decides they aren't worthy & runs them off again. Way too much temporary-ness for someone who likes roots, such as myself.

While the pay of the ISD becomes tolerable (after like 10 years in the system), what's the point since you're going to either have to stay a teacher, hoping that you can stay on the right side of whatever admin comes in the next year, or as an administrator who's on the move every few years because you can't please everyone & have to make decisions that obviously not everyone will like. No thanks! Not the place for me...

While I may tease my mom about her "one month vacation," I'm really happy for her that she is fortunate enough to be in a small, happy district (from what I have seen, due to a low-turnover rate, and everyone seems to love their jobs). She's in a position she enjoys, in a nice school w/ good teachers & Admin. It's not as "clique-ish" since it is a small town & there's not really enough people in it to have more than one group lol. It's also ideal for her because she's doing what she wants to do & she doesn't like to play the political "game" which exists in so many larger places. I've noticed the teachers, aides, administrators in her district are so much more laid back, that if I had to work in an ISD, I'd definitely choose one similar to that.

However, it still isn't what I'd want. While my momma's content in her career, I'm still young (& ambitious) enough that I'd want to climb higher. While I personally am not a fan of political games, I understand that they exist everywhere and don't mind playing enough to get where I want to be.

I guess what I've realized is, that everyone is different. For some, the ISD is a perfect place for a career, while others it's horrible. I'm sure that for some the State wouldn't be ideal, and somewhere even more cut-throat with a corporate ladder is what they crave.

So in conclusion, I imagine that I've found something else to "mark off" my list of what I want to be when I grow up. I love my facility and couldn't see myself leaving to teach little beasts all day in exchange for lots of time off during the year.

I wont say that in the future, as I take more into my personal life & get older & tired of fighting I may look at something in the field of education for the aforementioned reasons, but right now, I absolutely love what I'm doing, love how it effects my personal life and I look forward to the future advancement, knowledge and whatever else it may bring me. I also encourage everyone to pursue what will give them the most out of their life. For some it seems money is the major incentive, while others want power, and some want ease. People should pursue their personal interests in careers, which is why we have so many different fields of careers in our world today.

TGIF

2010-07-30T16:13:00.001-05:00

Tis Friday and I'm so ready to be off for the weekend. That's all...

Blah Blah Blah

2010-07-28T16:41:00.003-05:00

Uggh. Feeling Blah-ish.
Rejection is not cool.
"It's not you, it's me."
They say, patience is a virtue. I think it's more like a torture.
Almost time to go home!
I miss you.
Just a blow to my ego is all.
I almost had you convinced
but almost doesn't count.
I imagine I'll be fine.
Gotta go home to bake anyways.
My corazon is still yours.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Fatass?

2010-07-28T09:34:00.004-05:00

So since January I've lost a total of 30 lbs. I got down to 167 and have seemed to get stuck, and have been fluctuating between 167 & 173lbs. Based on perception of my body (and I have been studying it) I still have some excess body fat that I'd like to see gone in my lower back, sides and neck area. I haven't really been addressing it since 1) I'm terminally single & don't have to worry about anyone seeing me w/o clothes and 2) I don't have time to go to the beach/lake or get in any situation where I might be required to go shirtless. This morning, however, my friend at work (who happens to be a registered dietitian) was complaining about her weight (she has a perfect figure though), which got the rest of the ladies in my office talking about theirs (I'm the token male), which of course got me to focus on my excess.

I have some suspicions of the reason I'm not losing more, and I think it's mostly FOOD! I sometimes don't make the best nutritional choices. My caloric intake is too high some days, and I also think the accessibility of soft drinks keeps my weight up. When I go to work at 5:15 in the morning, Dr. Pepper seems to be the only choice since many places don't make tea that early, and I don't know if my stomach could handle tea at 5:15 in the morning lol. Since I'm budgeting, attempting to purchase a new house, I also tend to go for cheap & easy, which usually doesn't equate to nutritional. People can preach at me all day, but as a redhead and Scorpio, my natural instinct is to do the opposite of what's being demanded of me. I enjoy my morning Dr. Pepper, and as I tell others, if you remove everything you enjoy from life, it's not worth living. Since I decide to indulge in this practice, I need to find somewhere else to make up for it. Obviously though I'm not going overboard with it since I'm not constantly gaining weight, just remaining the same.

I've also started this new position, which does not require all the running around I did in my old job. Since I left the home manager position in the middle of June, more of my time is spent at the desk instead of the constant moving around campus that I did as a Home Manager. I've also stopped running at 4:00am now because I recently saw a copperhead on my road, and I just can't force myself to run in the dark that early for fear of stepping on a copperhead. I've been bitten by one before and there's no way I'd ever want to do it again. I definitely need to start jogging again, if just for toning/health reasons, so hopefully as things slow down with house shopping, adjusted routine and school I can squeeze it into daylight hours at least until it gets too cold for copperheads. I should be doing inside exercise routines besides dancing around w/ the iPod blaring) that will burn and tone, and that's something I'm looking at implementing once I get moved to the new house and have a larger space to partake in these activities. I understand in weight loss I have to burn more than I'm consuming. Since I'm staying about the same, I think bumping the calorie burning up a notch may assist in getting down to my desired goal.

Honestly I don't know what my recommended weight is, but I know that I'd like to be lighter than I currently am. My favorite person in the world, my adopted kid, is the same height as me 5'6" and weights 145lbs. He doesn't look too thin, but he has a bit of a smaller frame than I do. His ideal weight range is 134-162lbs so I imagine mine is close to that. At first my goal was 160lbs, which would be the lightest I've been since Jr. High, but after studying more, I'd like to actually get down to 150lbs, see how I look there, then gain a bit back in muscle from toning exercise. I definitely don't want to be a body-builder and don't care about a 6 pack or huge biceps. I just want to not be embarrassed of the excess "muffin top" that is around my waist. I also have stretch marks which, from what I understand, are impossible to get rid of which adds something else to the list of reasons to stay clothed.

People may complain that we (big people) don't lose weight the "healthy" way, but until they've been in our shoes, they need to quit offering unwanted advice. Since my first thirty pounds were lost from simply not eating, I receive so much commentary on how unhealthy it is and I should've picked another way to thin down. I just think they can kiss off, because they don't know how I feel, or how it affects me to be called fatass or something like that. I'm the one that has to live with the excess weight and jokes/insults, so I do what I can to make me happy. Obviously I'm not completely starving myself, but I did cut way back on intake. I've had several people that tell me 150lbs would be WAY too skinny for me, but I can't remember the last time I was 150lbs and if I think it's too skinny, then I'll gain some back. The people that tell me obviously don't know what I'm dealing with under the clothes.

Everyone is made differently, and I think people should focus on what works for them. Since we are the one's that have to live with our self, I think everyone should do what makes them happy.

As I further my weight loss journey I will keep everyone posted. Hopefully soon I will find out, not only what makes those around me happy, but what makes myself happy.

xoxoxo

Another day in paradise

2010-07-28T09:12:00.002-05:00

Can this month get any longer?

Seriously I am beginning to feel that July is taking forever to pass. Besides not being a fan of Summer, I also am in a semester of classes I'm not enjoying. Attempting to budget my new salary with a new house payment that I'm hopefully going to have, as well as taking care of some legal issues that I decided to take on for moral and personal reasons. As we are still a little under a week away from the next month, I feel as if I'm stuck in summer-limbo! I've always been a fan of Autumn and Winter, and I look at the cold weather as an opportunity to dress cuter, eat more and get advantageous cuddling time (if I ever get anyone to cuddle with). In July though, I'm dealing with excess sweating, which makes my face break out and a grumpier attitude since I am already hot natured and too much heat makes me cranky. lol.

Life is, of course, grand though. I am enjoying my job, though I still havent quite acclimated to the slower pace. I miss my old job, but doubt I would go back to it if I had the chance. I just look at it as a past chapter that gave good experience and influenced my life in the [positive] way it's going. It seems things are finally working out for me. I've gotten the larger salary, and think I've actually found a house that I'll be able to afford. It is a "fixer upper" but not a totally hopeless one. It has the potential to double in value if I do what I plan on doing, which won't cost double to do. It's also outside the city limits, in a quiet area close to Mexia and about 5 minutes away from my job, which will definitely save gas $ and mileage on the car. It's also a 3 bed/ 2 bath which is what I was looking for. Even though it's just me now, it might not always be, and I have the extra room in case I do ever have someone else living there. As I mentioned, it's only in the process, but I'm just going to keep a positive outlook, because right now it's the only outlook I have :o)

Besides that, it's all the same ol routine. I keep it positive and plan on it working out perfectly.

What a world, what a world

2010-07-18T05:45:00.003-05:00

5:40am
Uggh. I woke up at 3am this morning after going to bed at like 5pm yesterday due to being exausted plus getting too much sun while helping at my mom's garage sale all day.

Since I have no life it seems, I was wide awake so I decided to come to my parents' to drink coffee and wash my clothes (my washing machine is still broken).

All of a sudden I'm in a pissy mood and don't know why. Maybe its the fact that I'm tired, yet slept too much? Maybe it's just hot in here for some reason? Maybe I don't feel like listening to the noise of my mom loading and unloading the dishwasher at 5:30am, which will probably wake my dad up, who will be grouchy about being woken up, then my mom will complain about his grumpy mood, but she's the one washing dishes at this ungodly hour...

I definitely need to get my washing machine fixed, as well as get a new home in the Mexia area. I'm sick of the 35 mile, one way commute I have to make daily, and tired of not being able to do anything at home due to the fact that I know its temporary, and there's no need in redecorating the house, working outside in the yard or even getting satellite tv & internet hooked up, because I know that eventually I'll be moving and will end up selling the current home, leaving the garden/flower beds and then be stuck with a satellite/internet contract when I know I'll be able to get cable at a better price once I move closer to Mexia. I need to get that property cleaned off so I can move a house in or have one built, and I need to develop my budget so I can see what I can afford to pay monthly on the home/utilities/expenses.

BRB, going walking with my mom for exercise and stuff...

7:11am: Okay where was I? Oh yeah, complaining...

Anyway, I was just stating that I'm ready to get things done in more of a permanent set-up. I love my life and the way things are going, I'm just ready for everything to "pick up the pace." All the groundwork is laid, now it's just the process of needs getting accomplished, which has already been initiated. Patience has always been my weakest virtue so I'm jumping at the bit to get this done & move on to the next step in life...

2010-07-11T10:36:00.002-05:00

Well it's good to hear your voice

I hope your doing fine

And if you ever wonder

I'm lonely here tonight

Lost here in this moment

And time keeps slipping by

And if I could have just one wish

I'd have you by my side

Oh, oh I miss you Oh, oh I need you

And I love you more

Than I did before

And if today I don't see your face

Nothing's changed no one can take your place

It gets harder everyday

Say you love me more

Than you did before

And I'm sorry it's this way

But I'm coming home

I'll be coming home

And if you ask me I will stay

I will stay

Well I try to live without you

The tears fall from my eyes

I'm alone and I feel empty

God I'm torn apart inside

I look up at the stars

Hoping your doing the same

Somehow I feel closer

And I can hear you say

Oh I miss you, Oh I need you

And I love you more

Than I did before

And if today I don't see your face

Nothing's changed no one can take your place

It gets harder everyday

Say you love me more

Than you did before

And I'm sorry it's this way

But I'm coming homeI'll be coming home

And if you ask me I will stay

I will stay

I never wanna lose you

And if I had to I would chose you

So stay, please always stay

You're the one I hold onto

My heart would stop without...you...

Whatever Post

2010-06-27T11:04:00.002-05:00

Wow. I can't believe I haven't posted anything since May 2nd. Just shows how busy I've been.

Anyways, I'm doing laundry and have some idle time, so I thought I'd write, though I really don't have anything specific to write about. There's so much transition going on in my life right now that I am lost half the time. I've started my new position at work, I've debated on housing options about a million times, I'm concentrating on getting physically attractive (the best I can) and have jumped head first back into school to get the MBA finished as soon as possible.

Overall life is awesome. I started the new position about a week and 1/2 ago. It was a sudden surprise getting released so soon, and it took my by surprise a bit. The new position in the Food and Nutrition department is great and I know I'm going to absolutely love it. It's a much slower pace than I'm used to, and actually much less stressful. It's also "higher" on the career ladder, somewhat of an Assistant Director or "second in command," which is definitely experience I'll need in the future. Due to Annual Survey dropping in last week, I haven't really had a lot of routine training yet, but I'm taking notes and learning whatever I can so hopefully I can prove to be an asset and help the department grow and improve, which is my goal in any job. I also have a fantastic boss that supports her department, and the people I work with have great senses of humor and definitely keep work fun while getting business taken care of. I'm fitting in well in the department and it's only a matter of time before my "family" at MSSLC grows even bigger!
The only negative I've seen thus far is the fact that I've "left" my "family" on the home I previously managed. Like I've said before, working with a group of people 12-16 hours daily, 5-6 days a week, really establishes bonds and relationships. When I first found out I was leaving the next day, I actually felt guilty, like I was trading in my "family" for more money, a higher position & the opportunity to get this Masters degree knocked out. I love all the individuals I worked with as well as all the staff I supervised, so it was a bit hard, but I realized that to better myself, and to improve things in the long-run, it was a move I had to make. Though I loved being a Home Manager at MSSLC, it wasn't something I wanted to do for the rest of my career. The object of the game is to move up and better oneself, so when the opportunity presented itself, I grabbed it. I still have been going to visit and smoke with my guys daily, and am working myself through the transition. Like I mentioned above, this new position is so much more relaxed and a better pace, and as I become acclimated to this pace, I really see the benefits to the change, and am still doing something I love, as well as learning about a department I've been ignorant of in the past and realizing that like everything else, this department is a vital piece of the puzzle that makes up my facility and keeps it successful. I am definitely confident that I made the right choice and am definitely loving my professional life.

Besides the change of jobs, everything else is pretty much the same. I'm still working on thinning down some, and at my last doctor's appointment I weighed in at 167. I imagine I've gained some back since I've eaten so much the past few days, but I'm still working towards the next goal of 160lbs, maybe less, depending on appearance. So far the maximum total loss is at 28 lbs. I'm still doing a little bit of exercise, cutting WAY back on food consumption and trying to keep as busy as possible. I still have some "hate" handles on my sides and a bit of a "muffin top" so I definitely still have some trimming down to do. I don't want to be "heroin-chic," but would like to be able to go shirtless without feeling self conscious. We shall see what happens I guess.

I'm still living between Groesbeck and Mart, and definitely want to move closer to Mexia, but I'm evaluating ALL options and trying to figure out what's best. I've got some personal things in the works that I still can't discuss for a couple of more weeks, but I am definitely needing the new home and structure soon so I can get the desired results. I'm still doing my brainstorming and browsing, so hopefully I'll come up with something that works soon.

Anyways, there's honestly not a lot going on besides the normal stuff. I'm keeping that positive attitude and not giving any thought to negative things. Life continues to be fantastic, and I know that it will remain that way for me.

Mixing the pitch to a guy's voice...

2010-05-02T17:17:00.003-05:00

Pretty cool! If I covered these, at least I'd know what key to put it in...

Miley Cyrus - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun Live

2010-05-02T17:13:00.000-05:00

I love this version. She so should've released it as a single. She did a great job on it!

Been gone too long

2010-04-27T11:17:00.002-05:00

I can't believe I only got one post done in the month of April. There is not enough time in the world to address everything that's been going on with me. Life has been like a wild fire. Not terrible though. April has been the busiest month I've had thus far and I've had a lot of recent changes. There were lots of good things, as well as a few bad things. I'm gonna try to get a quick post typed out as I sit here and enjoy a cup of coffee and catch up on Facebook and e-mail.

I'm still house shopping and getting frustrated about some things. First is the fact that it hasn't happened yet. We all know how impatient I can be, but I do realize that taking the time to get everything in order before I make the biggest purchase of my life will benefit me in the long run. I definitely want to get a new house but still haven't decided between a "fixer-upper," small move in ready, new sight built or even modular. Whatever I do, it'll end up being the best for me, and I still have time to decide.
I'm also still seeking financing. My credit score is decent, but not as great as I'd like it to be due to that conflict with Volkswagen Credit, and that one late Home Depot payment. It's all a work in progress though, and since I am one that HATES to pay interest, I want to be sure everything is back to normal so I can qualify for the best rate possible. 6 months ago I was well over a 700, and making my way to the 750 mark. I had set the previous goal to make it to 750 before I bought a new home. Since then I had the conflict with VW not taking out my automatic draft, which is now solved, and the late credit card payment, which was my fault. Therefore I'm still analyzing my best decision.

I recently accepted a new position at the State. It's in the Food and Nutrition department, which will be totally different from what I've always done. It is a higher manager's position on the career ladder though, and a good salary increase, which leads me to believe that it will be a good move for me personally and professionally in the long run. I love my current position, but I consulted my director who informed me that it's in my best interest in my long term career goals and I shouldn't pass up an opportunity for advancement. This position is almost like an Assistant Director of the department, since I will be right under the director. I'll have some direct reports, but am still learning the structure a department in Support Services. I'm just going to go in with open eyes, ears and mind, and learn as much as I can to benefit the department. As I continue to complete my MBA, I will have the work experience to help me in the future move further up so I will be prepared and qualified when an actual director's position comes open. I'm scheduled to begin my new position after the facility has it's annual survey which will be sometimes this month.
The more I look at it, the more excited I get. The people I'll be working beside in the Food and Nutrition dept are AWESOME and I'll have less stress at work, which will allow me to have more of a life outside work, and able to work on some personal plans that I have for my life. This is awesome.

It's awesome how I just have faith to let things work out right, and life just gets better. I practice using the Law Of Attraction, and keep an optimistic attitude and have faith that what I want will occur. I count my blessings daily and let the negative things pass me by. Since I've been doing this, I still get the occasional feelings of frustration, but they are temporary, and before too long I have a better plan and am fired up for life again.

Besides that, there's not been much going on. Life is fast paced and I love it. I'm still working on weight loss, and have gotten from 194 to 174 and still striving for the long term goal of 160lbs. I'm about to start running again and cutting more calories out. I'm in the transition of adopting a healthier lifestyle and hopefully can get what is ideal for me and my body. Right now I'm just not eating as much, staying active and living off coffee and water mostly.

I'm definitely going to start posting more again, but I've just been reserved since I've learned that there are some "haters" that enjoy "stalking" my facebook, blog, myspace and whatever else to get incriminating information to use against me. I'm not letting it bother me though, just watching out for myself. As anyone with some sense knows, everything I post is just opinion or idea, and shouldn't be taken seriously. I'm honestly flattered that people think I'm important enough to spend that much of their time with me on their mind. I'm smart enough to let Karma do the work for me, so the only advice I can give is to keep trying, but I know I'll always come out on top.

I hope everyone has a great month of May. I'm looking forward to enjoying it, as well as life in general.

I'll try to keep everyone posted on going-ons.

xoxo
kcs

Easter Sunday Post

2010-04-04T13:18:00.004-05:00

So it's Easter Sunday, I'm at my parents' playing online while my laundry is washing for the week (my washing machine is still broked) and my dad is cooking food that I will be expected to eat.

The last time I blogged was about a week ago, and you'd be surprised how much can change in a fella's life over a week's time. Work has actually been hell on earth and I'm beginning to understand why after I read an e-mail about me from a superior that I wasn't supposed to know about. That changed the outlook on everything. I am still absolutely loving my job, staff and clients, and won't just lie down and give up because I'm not the most popular manager with some professionals. Though it hurts my feelings that I'm given a hard time because someone doesn't like me personally, it makes me feel better b/c I know now that I am doing well, and all the negativity isn't coming from my performance, but my personality. I know I'm a "know it all," but it was required when I was a Campus Coordinator, and now as a Home Manager to display confidence. I use what I've learned and strive to learn more. I'm beginning to feel that someone may be threatened just because I'm younger, more modern, and more qualified than they are, and people stuck in the "old school" state of mind may not like me because I'm full of fire to do well professionally and to help the people I serve instead of just maintaining it through the work week to get a check. I've got a big ego, but I am also very self conscious but tend to keep it hidden because I've learned that doubting yourself makes you appear weak and you don't want to appear weak in the world of management. I've gotten several compliments from important people around campus including my Unit Director and the Assistant Director of Programs, which are the opinions that really matter. This one superior may try to make it rough on me and want me to leave, but that person doesn't realize that I'm not afraid, I know my job and when I do leave it'll only be to move up. I've got that competitive professional state of mind & I know the system I'm in, so I just smile, continue to perform and exceed the expectations and prepare to make my career better!

There's also a position coming open that I've coveted for years that I will hopefully be able to apply for and interview for soon. I had one interview the week before last for a new position on campus that would've been a lateral move, but it was offered to one of my previous supervisors on campus who is awesome at everything MSSLC related. She was the one that taught me everything I know, so honestly there was no competition with her about the job, and it was an honor being offered an interview. I know she's going to do awesome and set the standard high for that job! Now that previous supervisor's position is vacant, and if I get the opportunity to interview for that I will be ecstatic! I know I could do the job, but I am young, and though legally that's not supposed to hinder me, it has in the past and I believe it still does to an extent. I've gotten some great experience out there and have been the youngest Campus Coordinator ever, youngest PNM Monitor ever, as well as the youngest Home Manager on campus and to date in all three positions. Maybe my trend will continue in the future. I've definitely got to get back in school to finish degrees, get life (personal and professional) organized and work my behind off to set a professional reputation about myself that will follow and lead me throughout my career. I'm learning that the business world, wherever you're at, is cut-throat and people will do whatever it takes to move ahead. As I posted in the "Betrayal" blog, trust is hard to come by and in the business world its almost non-existent. I'm fortunate to have a couple of people at my facility I trust and that's about it. My previous supervisor mentioned earlier is a wonderful mentor and is super about giving me suggestions regarding performance that will improve my professional standing over time. There are also a few friends that work in different departments that are true friends that I love to death and will do anything for.

I've also started taking the smoking cessation drug Chantix, and today is day 5. I've noticed a little change, mostly over the past day or so. My doctor pretty much told me to quit smoking or die early, so I went ahead and paid the $130 for a month's supply and am going to give it a shot. The drug itself isn't terrible, side effects wise. Many people say they had vivid dreams or were depressed, but the only effect I've noticed is that I'm sick to my stomach for about an hour after I take the pill. I have a horrible stomach ache, but the urges to smoke haven't really decreased. I may have noticed a bit of decrease in urge today, but generally I smoke more when I'm doing nothing, which is what I've done all weekend lol, so tomorrow when I'm at work, maybe I'll see a difference since I will probably be busy all day. I'm still "iffy" about actually wanting to quit my favorite vice, but the health aspect, as well as the money saved every month seems to present a pretty good argument about quitting.

I'm also still on the Adderall, which is helping with the weight loss project. Presently I've lost almost 20lbs, which I attribute to eating less and moving around more. I've pretty much cut back to one wholesome meal daily and drinking tea and water, and the very rare Dr. Pepper. I'm down to about 175lbs so if I can at least get another 15lbs off and then gain 5-10 back in muscle/toning I think I'll be in pretty good shape looks-wise.

Since my face has slimmed down some and I have cut my hair super short, I must be looking younger. I'm almost 25 years old and have gotten carded for cigarettes more in the past 2 weeks than I did the past 2 years before. When the woman carded me last night, it actually frustrated me enough that I pointed out the lines and wrinkles in my forehead to show her my age. I definitely don't want to look like an old man, but as I mentioned in the earlier paragraph my age has hindered my advancement at work in the past, and the last thing I want to do is look like a high school student. My ideal "look" is one of a slim, attractive, stylish, 20-something doing what he has to do to make it in the world. I'm still working on that balance.

My love life is so non existent and I love that! As I'm trying to structure and improve my life the last thing I need is to have someone that I have to keep up with and have keep up with me. I'm definitely "crushing" or something, and have several potential interests for some casual dating, but I'm not in the market for anything serious at all. I have found out about love recently and have discovered that people fall in love with others that they don't even plan on falling for. This can be any type of love; paternal, fraternal, friend-wise, romance, or any bond. I've realized that there are so many people in my life that I actually LOVE because if they were to be taken from my life I would be devastated. Love is so unconventional and is the weirdest emotion I've ever encountered. I plan on writing more extensively on this topic just to see what I can discover in the future.

I'm still house shopping, but my aunt may end up selling her house to move to town & I love her current house and would love to buy it. She's lived there as long as I've been alive, so it's almost like another home to me and I would feel so comfortable there Its also in the locale that I've been pursuing outside Mexia. The one house I had my eye on out there finally sold, so this is something I'm really hoping happens. Price wise I can afford what the house is worth, and I'm hoping I can find qualification for financing. It's been over a month since Volkswagen screwed up my automatic draft and my credit score, and my Home Depot credit card is also current, but I don't know if the darn score has gotten back up to where it was (over 700). If this house specifically comes up for sale I will do whatever possible to find financing though. I've still got to sell that darn mobile home, but I've been doing some cosmetic upgrades to neutralize themes and make it look better and still have to get the tax info that the previous owners didn't pay to be able to get the title and re-sell. That is frustrating. I've had several interested people inquire about the house, but am unable to sell until I get the title. It's kind of like being stuck currently because I have to sell this one to be able to afford a new house, but if I sell this one before I get a new house I will be homeless, and do not plan on moving back in with my parents lol. I just have to have faith that it'll work out.

So basically that's all that's going on in my world right now (at least all I want to discuss). I am speeding through day to day activities and loving how everything is working out, though there's so much transition going on. Some friends invited me to come over tonight to watch the Baylor game, but I have to work early tomorrow and will probably turn in early tonight to get plenty of rest.

Look out in the future for that love post that I'm researching, and if there are any other topics you recommend, let me know! Hope you all have a wonderful Easter!
xoxoxo
kcs

New Week

2010-03-29T09:55:00.003-05:00

So it's Monday...

All I can think to say is "Thank Goodness I get my Adderall refilled today!" Chocolate, it seems, doesn't quite give the same effect.

Besides that, life is awesome. I got so much rest this past weekend, and also got some other things done that needed to be addressed. Spring is in the air, and I'm expecting any minute to be hit with Spring Fever. In fact it may be starting already since I really don't want to be at work today. Maybe I'm just a little burned out from last week, but the thought of coming in to work this morning was enough to make me dive under the covers and hide from the world :o)

I definitely still have some issues to deal with, but right now I'm just letting them sit back and simmer. Patience has always been my weakest virtue, and it always bothers me when things don't happen my way, right away. I'm still feeling out some people, and working on improving things so that when they do happen, they happen the right way.

I am still only 24 years old, and sometimes I wonder if I'm trying to rush things, but I am finally realizing that unless they aren't in immediate need of addressing, I should chill out. How do I know that what I want is for the best for all parties involved? It's crazy that I get a godlike complex about things sometimes, when actually fate moves everything in the opposite direction and the results that I want are totally against the grain. Guess that's just a part of living and learning.

As I mentioned in my earlier blog, trust will always be betrayed, but if you can only trust yourself and not put your heart out there to be broken, it saves you a lot in the long run. I'm not god-like, and I can't control what others feel and think, so I shouldn't assume or try. Some people I love more than life itself, but I need to realize that it's not always returned. A person cannot help what they were born to feel, so I need to chill the hell out and focus on doing me, regardless of how it hurts.

It seems that once I become involved in something, I put my everything into it. This is a personal flaw. I think it stems from the idea that I must have relevance in life and "leave my mark" of being responsible for something turning out improved. Though I do realize that my relevance is irrelevant to everyone else, something in my brain cannot comprehend that, so I'm constantly involved with something, that more than likely won't turn out right, leaving me with a sense of failure. That was definitely the problem last week, and it took several hours of sleep and rest to decide that my involvement with some things probably increased the problem, just because I refused to back off, let my feelings overpower and force things that probably aren't meant to occur.

I've decided to take a different approach though. In the future I will try to observe, decide in my mind what outcome I want, and see if fate has the same outcome. I'm beginning to take some things too personally and at the rate its going, I want to take the world personally, which would probably end up in a premature death of my soul.

While writing this, I wasn't even sure what my discussion point was going to be. I know that I'm still a bit sore regarding events of last week, and now that I'm rested and medicated correctly, I can finally see what's going on, and even though my desires haven't changed, I need to look at the way I view them. I am a fighter and if the direct attack doesn't seem to work, maybe it's time to invoke the stealth, surprise attack. The important thing is to remember to keep playing the game, regardless of what strategies aren't effective.

Ke$sha- Wow, meet me in the back with the Jack at the Jukebox.

2010-03-28T09:46:00.005-05:00

So I finally bought the Ke$ha album. Honestly I was surprised. I loved her "Tik-Tok" song, but didn't think there was anything spectacular about her. It was a fun song, got me "crunked up" but that was it.

Well since she released the Blah Blah song I went ahead and bought the whole album. It was only 9 bucks, so I figured that at least it would pump me up when I needed it.

I LOVE it! I don't think there's a song on the album that I don't like. Even though the majority of the songs are shallow and fun, the lyrics are actually raw and relateable. Some of the songs are something that I personally could say to people or experience on any given day.

It's true that she doesn't have the best voice and there is much auto tune on the album, but she can carry a tune and keep me entertained, which is what I look for in an artist.

Some of the best songs on the album are "Kiss and Tell," "Stephan" and "Your Love is My Drug." There are certain lyrics and phrases that people can and do say in everyday life. While some popular artists sing about lifestyles of their famous and wealthy life, Ke$ha sings about 20-something, common folks lives and the crazy things that real people experience. As I was driving home listening to the cd yesterday, I was put in the best mood I've been in through the past 2 weeks probably.

Some of the best lyrics are: "You're looking like a tool not a baller. You're acting like a chick, why bother? I can find someone way hotter with a bigger d---. wow... well." From "Kiss and Tell," a song about a cheater.

Or even, "I saw you in your tight ass rocker pants. You saw me too I laughed 'Cause I was completely trashed. And I watched your Ugly girlfriend sneer across the room. As if I really care that she's here with you. All I know is... Your my object of affection. My drug of choice. My sick obsession..." From "Stephen," A song about someone you like that doesn't like you back. (Something I know very well)

Then, "My friends think I've gone crazy. My judgments getting kinda hazy. My esteem is gonna be affected. If I keep it up like a lovesick crackhead. What you got boy is hard to find, I think about it all the time, I'm all strung out, my heart is fried. I just can't get you off my mind. Hey, so I gotta question. Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement? Do I make your heart beat like an 808 drum? Is my love with your drug? Your love is my drug." From "Your Love is My Drug," A song about having a crush, something everyone has gone through.

Plus her voice, the way she talks/raps through some of her songs is great. She has that addictive voice, its kind of sexy actually. I find myself walking around, singing these lyrics, and then randomly saying them to people, just out of no-where.

This is definitely an album I recommend. Though the majority of the songs are about partying, loving, or other young people things, it's definitely an album that will pump you up and make you feel carefree and young.

I definitely look forward to her future work.

"Meet in the back with the Jack at the jukebox..."

Stephen

2010-03-28T09:45:00.000-05:00

Stephen
Stephen
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
Why won't you call me?

I saw you
In your tight ass rocker pants
You saw me too
I laughed
'Cause I was completely trashed
And I watched your
Ugly girlfriend
Sneer across the room
As if I really care
That she's here with you
All I know is...

Your my object of affection
My drug of choice
My sick obsession

Stephen
Why won't you call me?
I'm sitting here waiting
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
I'm feeling pathetic
I can't take rejection
Why won't you call me?

I've got guys
Waiting in a line
For me too play
My evil girly games
With all their minds
Just watch me
Got it down
To a simple art
Just bat my Eyes
Like this
And there's a broken heart
But somehow...

You turn the tables
What the hell
I can charm the pants of anyone else
But you

Stephen
Why won't you call me?
I'm sitting here waiting
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
I'm feeling pathetic
I can't take rejection
Why won't you call me?

Stephen
I'm thinking' that
Maybe
You might think I'm
Crazy
Is that why you won't
Call me
Steve
Don't you think I'm
Pretty
Do you not
Love me
Is that why you won't call me?

'Cause your my object of affection
My drug of choice
My sick obsession
I want to keep you as my pet to play with
And hide under my bed forever

Stephen
Why won't you call me?
I'm sitting here waiting
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
I'm feeling pathetic
I can't take rejection
Why won't you call me?

Stephen
I'll knit you a sweater
I want to wrap you up in my love
Forever
I will never let you go Stephen
I'll never let go

Stephen
Why won't you call me?
I'm sitting here waiting
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
I'm feeling pathetic
I can't take rejection
Why won't you call me?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6LGYsGZ_FM

Trust and Betrayal

2010-03-26T11:09:00.006-05:00

Betrayal, its everywhere. I'm beginning to think betrayal is one of humanity's most dominant traits. I'm no stranger to betrayal, on either side, but for some reason it always bothers me and more than usual lately.

This has been an extremely long week, mentally and physically. In addition to working 14-18 hours daily, I have been going through medication withdrawals, personal issues and thousands of other pains in the rear. I am suffering from a major lack of serotonin, and sleep deprivation on top of it just makes things more complicated.

While I still have millions of blessings I count on a daily basis, for some reason, the small things are bothering me, trust topping the list. My personality makes me a very trusting person. Though I cannot count the times I have been burned, I cannot seem to learn. The past month I have been betrayed so many times, in so many ways, yet I still let it get to me. You think you have a bond with someone, a connection. Whether this bond is by blood, love, companionship or even the fact that the 2 people have no-one else to bond with, it is never strong enough I've learned.

As I sit here wondering why, I begin to realize that it probably actually is human nature. The strongest urge a human has is to survive. It doesn't matter how you are connected to the person, whether friend, child, parent, lover, or any of that, your survival is ultimately what's most important. Though a person may deny this, say they will die for their loved ones, deep down inside the person is experiencing the urge to survive, despite what the conscious mind is saying.

Lets look at a common wild rabbit for instance. It has a nest of 3 babies. One day a snake comes into the nest to consume the baby rabbits. The parent will continuously try to save its offspring. It will do anything to distract the snake, to lead it out of the nest or whatever. If the snake doesn't go for the bait, eventually the rabbit will give up and save itself before it's eaten as well. The rabbit will NOT lay over it's babies and force the snake to eat it instead. Therefore the rabbit is betraying his offspring. He will make a conscious effort to save them, but when the going gets tough, the rabbit will give up to save himself and have another litter of babies the next mating season. Humans are a bit smarter than a common rabbit, but that survival urge is still inside. The conscious of a human being is strong enough to disguise the subconscious urge to survive. The parent will usually save the kid before himself, but he's got the IQ allowed to do this. If humans were on the same level as an animal, it would be very different.

I know that occasionally the subconscious urge will burst out and overwhelm. Imagine a person who cant swim being thrown in a deep pool. The urge to survive comes out enough that the person will struggle to breathe, and even grasp another person, forcing them underwater just to stay alive. Look back at huge tragedies that have occurred in history, there are so many instances of people fighting for themselves and betraying their fellow man, leaving him to whatever the consequences were, whether freezing on the Titanic, starving in the Great Depression or even in the fictional tragedies we read about and see on television.

How, you wonder, does this equate to betrayal of trust? It appears that people have the tendency to develop trusts just as fast as they break them. I don't know where this comes from though. Maybe its the desire to feel relevant? The age old question of "why was I created" plagues everyone at some time or another. Maybe it's the need for some sort of companionship? To know that you are not alone? I don't know, and all I do know is what I've experienced myself, and I don't even know the reasons for that.

Personally I develop trusts and bonds easily, and feel horrible when the other person violates that bond/trust. This has happened to me (and I'm guessing everyone else) millions of times. It's not always romantic, friendship or even being co-workers, but it still effects me negatively every time I am betrayed.

Some betrayals aren't even on purpose. You can't force someone to feel a certain way, and sometimes a person is guilty of reading too deep into a bond, and not realizing until that betrayal has surfaced and the person feels like a total loser. A person can't be forced to love someone else, though they still may like the person, but not have the exact mutual feelings.

The unintentional betrayal is horrible, but it compares nothing to the deliberate betrayal. Having someone manipulate you, use you and then hurt you without caring is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. A person devotes so much time, thought, energy into a bond with someone who they think can trust, and then they find out that it isn't mutual, they were used for affection, information, money, status or anything else, except for themselves and what's inside.

Betrayal is so common in the world, I wonder how there are any people left practicing humanity. You would think with the good Karma they submit, they wouldn't have to suffer so much, but from what I've observed, Karma doesn't care about all that.

I guess what I'm rambling about is just frustration. I tend to be a tender soul and it just breaks what heart I have left to see good people get hurt. I know what it feels to give your all to someone to improve their life and only get heartache in return, and people that's been practicing humanity their whole lives just shrug it off and go on to the next one and though you know they're hurting, they still give 100%. Those are people I admire and respect.

You can't force a person to feel or act a certain way, but you should just expect them to stop you before you invest your interest and heart in them. Personally I never am one to lead people on. There have been several great people that had an interest in me or my best interest, and I can't bear to lead them on, so I generally express my appreciation and send them on their way. Cruelness is not cute, but so many people out there tend to think it puts them above the rest.

Stressed Out

2010-03-24T11:24:00.004-05:00

Uggh Stress.

The word that makes all of us cringe. What is it about it? Is it a natural human emotion, like anger, sadness, etc? What is it that makes us "stressed out?" We get the headache, the turning stomach or other symptoms. We become short tempered, forgetful and our tolerance levels hit rock bottom. Why do we "go crazy" when we become stressed?

I've learned a lot about stress in my latest years. From high school until the present, I've had all kinds of things stress me out. I'm a person that tends to stress easily. If something doesn't go the right way, it stays on my mind until its finally the only thing I am thinking and worrying about. Multiply that by 10 or more things, and you begin to wonder how a person can handle it.

I am a young, single, somewhat attractive male. I have no kids, a job, and a few bills I address every month. What, do you ask, do I have to stress about?

It is literally crazy. I am the type of person to stress about anything and everything. I handle stress so poorly that I take a daily medication to help me handle it better. If I see a piece of lint on someone's clothes, I will stress about that lint and let it consume my day if I don't stop myself. Imagine how I get when something serious happens...

This week has brought out the stress! Besides not having my meds refilled, I am required to work 6am-8 or 9pm every night this week due to monitors on campus. I am worried sick that something will be wrong with the home I manage, and I will lose my job, or worse, get publicly embarrassed. I'm still concerned about one of the individuals I provide services for, as well as the other guys on the home. I'm overworked and tired, not getting enough sleep at night, which heightens my stress level.
Besides that my personal life also sucks and I am still stressing over buying a house. Once I buy the right house, then I have a bunch of other things planned, but cannot fulfill them until I buy the house, which I wont be able to do until I get some other things done. *sigh*

So why, I wonder, does a person stress. At the time I am healthy, financially stable, I have a car, a place to live, food to eat, and even go out to have fun sometimes. Honestly my life rocks. Is there some little "stress monster" that lives in a human being to make him act wacko? Are these stress monsters bigger in some people than others? What is the deal? Maybe its just human nature to stress. Maybe it hidden fear that one may lose everything. Maybe I just have the primal need to feel relevance. Its so confusing and any medical resource I consult doesn't really give a reason that stress exists, only what it is and what causes it.

So, until I find a reasonable, effective coping mechanism, I am simply stuck as a stresser. I am constantly learning and growing every day, so maybe this way to cope will develop as I grow older. Sometimes I stress that it wont, and one day I'll officially lose my mind, but I can't be sure and that stresses me out.

For the time being I am just going to advise you not to stress. This may be impossible, but don't let the possibility stress you out.

Just a catch up

2010-03-23T08:01:00.005-05:00

Ugggh Its Tuesday. The Court Monitors will be at MSSLC all week, and I am stressed to the point of no return. Usually I don't stress out when we have monitors on campus, but this is the first time they've been here since I've been a supervisor responsible for staff, which makes a big difference. I am looking forward to Friday when the monitors do their exits and we find out whether we're doing good or bad.
I'm also worried about one of the guys that reside on my home at work. I do my best to try not to show preferential treatment, but when you work with people 12-16 hours a day or 70+ hours a week they become like a member of your family, especially when you spend more time with them than with your actual family. You develop bonds, and honestly have the need to assure they're healthy and happy, at least I do. I love my job, but sometimes I'm afraid I take my present position too personally. I've been informed of a couple of positions on campus that may benefit me in the future, but am just taking opportunities as they come. That would free up some time to pursue some other personal interests. Oh well though, its just something else to process.
Besides that, life is going great. I have lost even more weight, and am down to 175, which is like 20lbs lighter than I was 3 weeks ago. I love my Adderall. My Dr better have my prescription ready today. I am still a cigarette, coffee and sometimes vodka addict. Those are my main vices, and they are in the process of being phased out. I definitely am feeling better due to the better meds and healthier lifestyle. I am only eating once a day and am usually in bed by 8:30 or 9:00pm and wake up at 4:30am every morning to come into work. This has balanced me out mentally, as well as filling up my bank account which I love. I am still in the process of house shopping and have another plan or two for the future, which will take care of several issues at once. So excited.
So besides that, there really isn't anything to blog about. My life is devoted to my work and that is what is taking up most of my time right now. I'm curious to see how everything turns out when the court monitors leave and what changes MSSLC will have to make.

10 things about SEX

2010-03-21T15:31:00.002-05:00

Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is
sexually active or not?
..
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when men make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
..
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
..
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
..
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than
swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
..
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you
with a feeling of well-being.
..
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.
These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
..
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
..
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
..
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
..
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Snakes on a... sink? (A repost)

2010-03-21T15:19:00.005-05:00

Per some requests I received, here is a repost of a blog I wrote a few years ago about an incident I had one Memorial Day in the past. It was a very traumatic experience, but since so many found humor in it, I decided to repost it.
Enjoy
kcs
xox

Snakes on a... sink?

Thursday, May 28, 2008

So, this is a story of something that happened to me on Memorial Day. Since I have no kind of life whatsoever, I decided to stay at the house all day to celebrate the holiday and just "chill-ax." Well I took an early nap that lasted until about 3:00pm. When I awoke, I had the strangest urge for a blizzard from the Dairy Queen, so I got dressed (in some scanty atheletic clothes) and grabbed the car keys and got ready to head to town.
As I was walking towards the front door, I saw something move in front of the door to the laundry room. Upon closer inspection, I found that it was a 6 foot long chicken snake!!!! Now I, like everyone else in Texas, know that a chicken snake is not venemous at all, they are just super mean and aggressive, but after being bitten by a copperhead a few months ago, I have a terrible fear of all kinds of snakes.
Well the snake saw me about the same time I saw him. He jumped into a tight coil and began hissing with his mouth wide open, and shaking his tail like a rattle snake. I was still kind of shocked about seeing a snake IN the house, however I soon came to my senses, screamed like a little bitch and grabbed a golf club that was being stored in the broom closet for some reason and commensed to swinging!
Out of all the swinging I was doing with the golf club I finally made contact with the big mo'fo's head. When the club hit him, he went crazy and began lunging towards me, causing me to scream like a little bitch again, and run towards the living room to hide, since he was blocking the front door.
After chasing me about 5 feet, he made a turn and headed towards the bathroom, where he went and actually climbed on top of the sink and tried to climb up the wall. By then I was kind of feeling sorry for him, and about hitting him. I figured he was scared because he got in the house accidentally and did not want to tangle with me. (It turns out the dryer hose that vents outside had come loose, which is how he got in. He was probably just looking for a cool spot and thought that he was going in a hole or something.)
Anyways, I decided I was just going to try to get him out of the bathroom and get him outside where he could eat some bees or something. When I peeked in the bathroom door, he was up on the sink, actually standing with about a foot of his body standing vertical. When he saw me, he automatically began hissing at me and as I shut the door, the little monster lunged at me, flying across the bathroom and luckilly I closed the door and he made contact with it, instead of me.
Well after that, any sorryness I was feeling for that bitch died right then and there. I ran to the kitchen, threw open the cabinet under the sink and began to look for something to give that bastard a long suffering death with. What I ended up with was a half-full can of oven cleaner spray, which I guessed would have to do. I ran back to the bathroom and was ready for him!
When I opened the door, I saw that he had moved from the sink to the toilet, which lucky for me, was out of his jumping range. I guess he realized he was too far away to jump too, because when he saw me, he stood up again, but instead of jumping, he was just hissing and striking.
I made my move. As soon as he opened his mouth I gave him a good dose of oven cleaner. After emptying the can into his mouth, I watched and waited... Unfortunately there was no difference besides him getting madder. I knew this attempt was fruitless and I needed to get stronger poison.
After I securely locked him in the bathroom, and barricaded the door, I jumped into my car and headed to town. I pulled up to the dollar store and bought $10 work of all kinds of pest "bombs" and "foggers." I then headed back home (after a detour throught the Dairy Queen, where I ordered a LARGE Reeses Blizzard b/c I was stressed.)
After I got back home, I acted like an assassin and threw 6 pest bombs in the bathroom (the directions said I only needed 1, but I wanted to be sure.) While I was murdering the snake, I went into my bedroom and ate my ice cream and checked my e-mail.
After about 45 minutes, I went to check my victim... That heinous bitch was still alive and looked like he was setting the bathroom up as his own personal bedroom, moving things around. I could only observe him for about a minute because the fumes from the pesticide were making me dizzy.
I decided that this fight had to end. It was starting to get dark outside by then and I knew I had to get rid of the little pest in the bathroom. I went outside and got a shovel...
To skip all the gore, after a 15 minute fight, I emerged bleeding with a dead snake draped over the end of the shovel. My knuckle had gotten scraped up pretty bad, but I was alive and he was dead. The snake barely had a head left... I walked outside and hung him on the fence, it rained the next day...

It's just one of those days

2010-03-18T07:53:00.004-05:00

Its one of those days where I want to just lay around and forget about the world. The last 3 weeks of work have been hell, and though I love my job and my facility, a superior is super stressed and I get to be the one that it is taken out on. I have been working my ass off, coming in at 5:30am every day and not leaving until 7 or 8pm. I have gotten several compliments on my performance, the home I manage as well as the positive changes I have made. Somehow though, I'm the "whipping boy." I am told that my home is the worst and my staff are the worst. This has led me to believe that obviously, I must be the worst manager. I've been in my position for 4 months now. I'm the only male, I'm the only one who was not an original "shift supervisor," and my home is the largest on campus, with the most diverse group of individuals. I don't believe its the worst, but I do believe that this superior has something against my home, and not necessarily me in general.

Usually I let this kind of stuff go right over me. I guess I'm just tired or frustrated or a combo of both from listening to the nagging about how terrible my home is and how its MY fault. Anyway after the countless hours I've spent training, teaching and disciplining these children they send me as staff, I have finally reached a breaking point.

Continued 03/19/10
My morning shift is so awesome! They are on the ball and do everything they're supposed to most of the time. My night shift is "so-so." They need some extra work, but aren't terrible. My evening shift though; that's where the problems are. I've done correcting, tracking and many things to get them in shape, yet they still slack. As a manager I only ask my staff to give me 8 hours of their day, 5 days a week. On this 8 hours I expect them to work. When they accepted the job and salary, they accepted the duties in the job description. Its that simple. I have finally reached the point where there's zero tolerance. No more reminding, no more second chances. They know what they're supposed to do, and know they're expected to do it. They go through 2 weeks paid training to learn the policy and procedure of the facility, and then are mentored for 3 days to learn their specific home and unit. It's like there's no professionalism anymore. If 5 or 6 of them have go for the rest of them to learn, so be it. I care about my job and career, and I refuse to let employees only out for a paycheck ruin my future and label me as a bad manager. Simple.

I had a meeting yesterday with my supervisor regarding these issues, and I think she finally understands that I am busting my ass trying to be the best. She gave me advice and hopefully now understands that I am on top of things. I informed her that if the only way I can be effective is to be a jack ass, so be it. I'm a new, young manager so sometimes they may try to get by me. I've just got to prove that I'm on top of things and not playing around. I'm ready to make some improvements, and they better get with it or get gone.

Life and Changes. Who am I?

2010-03-17T16:57:00.006-05:00

So, its been a few weeks since my last post...

When I last posted, I had just gotten out of the hospital with a collapsed lung and surgery on my tailbone. I was resting up, making plans and making changes.

I started to realize that I was becoming one of those people that I pitied. One of those routine, predictable people that, according to me, had no life.

I decided to begin living on the edge of life, partying every week(end) and taking risks and not giving a damn. I was driving 200 miles to Austin for the atmosphere and company, then hitting up Waco and Dallas when I partied locally. I said "screw Mexia and any town where the bars close at midnight!" My life was a blur. I began job searching in south Texas. I wanted to get away from everything dull and drab and be someone new. I realized in November I will be in my official "mid-twenties" and thirty gets closer every day. I was losing my sanity, I hit the highway of life and was heading head on, 120kmh in the wrong lane.

Before I knew it, I couldn't keep up with myself. I was beginning to become one of the people I envisioned as fabulous and that I envied. One of those people that didn't think life was worth living unless you were living in the fire. I barely recognized myself. I was changing. I was losing Chase. I realized that it was an awesome lifestyle, one I enjoyed. I also realized that it was one that I couldn't live forever. I realized that eventually I was going to be running 120kmh in the wrong lane, and end up crashing and burning.

I began to understand that I love the city of Austin, but if I moved there it may lose its magic to me. I realized that I was comfortable in Mexia. It wasn't my most favorite place to be, but I have a car, and when I get ready I can drive anywhere I want to. I can keep Austin magical [or weird] and visit whenever, and still be fresh to that awesome city that I've fallen in love with.

I began to realize that I love my facility and job. That I could have a life here. It may be harder to accomplish, but I could make it grand and "rockstar-ish." Also, maybe I would be ok with that.

Finally I began to focus on the now. I realize I've always been "different" than my peers, that I was interested in different things. I'm not interested in finding the love of my life, having kids and a house in the cul-de-sac. My focus was different. I have drive and ambition to succeed. I want a career! I want to get back in school! I want to change people's lives for the good!

Suddenly I threw myself head first into life. I drew out what I had, what I wanted and what I needed. I began working more overtime. Though it meant that I had to party less, I soon realized that my budget, checking account and performance at work were all increasing. I began house shopping, taking care of personal business and actually practicing humanity. My doctor had prescribed better medication to focus on my serotonin deficiency and ADD. I found out that (with Adderall) I could focus, accomplish things and get ahead in my projects. I began to finish personal projects that I started last year. I began to lose weight from keeping busy and the lack of appetite the Adderall initiated. 15 lbs lighter, I now feel better about my looks, my finances, my projects and my job.

I began working with my guys that live on my home at work. One gentleman in particular I've gotten to know and developed a somewhat paternal/fraternal bond with and hopefully am positively changing his life, which is making me want to help improve so many more lives.
I read up on this guy and then got to know him personally. He is now one of my favorite people in the world. If I, Mr. "Never be a parent," were to have paternal feelings, I would understand what it feels like now. I began to understand that many people didn't have the best of life growing up, but I could help him and others I encounter in life have the best of the rest of their lives. Every human deserves to be acknowledged, happy and cared for. I've developed a stronger sense of empathy, and once I put myself in another's place, I realize how good I've got it (or had it or will have it) and that everyone deserves that. Life is meant to be abundant with love and happiness. Just because someone has a disability, shady history or is different from you, they still feel. As people, I have found its important to share good feelings, and let people know that they have someone "in their corner" and that you "have their back." Who knows, you may give them a compliment that is the first one they've gotten in years. Even someone you meet on the street, work with, or work for. Maybe the clerk in the store, your neighbor or your insurance agent. Humanity is something that all humans have in common. I've learned this, just by doing my job.

I realize that helping improve lives is the field of work that I belong in, and though I'll never be a millionaire, I'll finally have that sense of completion that I didn't have before. What I'm doing with my life is worth something and will improve the quality of someone else's life which makes me feel that I've done something worth living for. It's made me interested in pursuing a MS in Social Work as well, which I never cared for before. Its funny that I took this position for the money, the experience and the recognition of being a good employee, and have ended up so engrossed in my work (not just job) that I could care less about those previous things.

My life has totally turned around. Though that bit of "spicy" Chase is still here, it's not overwhelming and I am finding a balance between wild and boring. I still party and have fun, but I have developed a purpose to living. Its mystifying to learn more as I travel into adulthood.

This topic wasn't even what I meant to write about, but I guess it's what was on my mind. I have the need to share empathy with others, and I try to improve someones life because everyone deserves happiness. No-one was born to suffer.

And my body falls to pieces

2010-02-21T20:53:00.003-06:00

Ok, so here's a blog to let everyone know what's been going on with me the past few days.

Following my awesome trip to Austin last week, I began noticing that I was having some upper chest/head congestion which I just attributed to the changing weather, allergies in the air and whatever. I also realized that I was getting ANOTHER staph infection, this time below my tailbone in a very unpleasant spot.

Since I've now been back with the State of Texas for 3 months, my health insurance has kicked in and I decided to get it checked out. I had been planning a med review anyway to see if there is anything I can do to help with my ADD and serotonin deficiency which has been causing anxiety attacks, and since my ass felt like it was falling off and my chest felt like it was full of fluid, I made an appointment with a local MD and decided to get to the root of these problems.

Upon visiting the Dr, she was most concerned with my airflow and chest, which was my least worry. She urged me to go to Parkview Regional Hospital asap, and even had a bed reserved there. At first I resisted, knowing I have too much to do, but after concurring with my mother, who acts as if I'm 4 years old and cannot make my own decision, I ended up at PRH, with plans to transfer to a larger hospital once everything was stabilized in Mexia. (My doctor had originally said I'd only be there 2 days anyways.) My first night there (Wednesday) I had several chest xrays, gallons of blood drawn, 2 ivs put in and was treated as if I was dying. My O2 stats dropped down to 81 when I was sleeping so they freaked out over that and stuck a nasal cannula in my nose, as well as implementing breathing treatments every 4 hours. I finally made it through Wednesday night, though not in the brightest of moods. My cigarettes had been stripped from me, I was stuffed in that little bed and was suffering from heartburn on top of that. Vicodin was the only thing that kept me sane, in an insane way that night.
Thursday morning I awoke in a better mood though. I was to have the staph infection on my butt lanced and drained, my chest consults were to be discussed and hopefully I was to be discharged to return home and get back into my groove of things. Well it turned out that the butt infection was so deep that I was to be put to sleep so they could clean it down to the bone. The infection had spread to by bloodstream so I was facing a staph caused death if it didn't get attended to fast enough, and my lung xrays weren't good enough so I had to go to have a chest ct scan to figure out while I couldn't breathe from my right lung.
The surgery went fine except I was catheterized without my consent, and didn't know until I arose a couple of hours later to urinate and about passed out from the pain. I was leaking discharge out of the lesion on my behind, so they stuck maxi pads on my ass to drain it and I was given another IV in my other arm to have tracing dye placed in my blood. All of this done, no cigarettes or coffee for over 24 hours and I was a nervous, jackass wreck. I demanded to be released and at least transferred to another facility, but it turned out that Providence would not accept me as a patient since PRH was doing the exact same thing in Mexia.
Eff them I said. At least my nurses were taking care of me, and all the PRH staff with exception of one evil hag (who has been addressed) were all so kind to me.
So as results came in on the lungs, it turns out that there was no airflow in my right lung because the bish has decided to semi collapse like an accordion. There was also the chance of some lung cancer and COPD, but I'm not worried about it. I have a history of weak lungs since I've had pneumonia years ago, and I guess my obsession with my precious cigarettes don't help much. Basically I was told I had to quit smoking or die. Still haven't made that decision yet though. lol

I have been put on so many meds though. Besides my normal paroxitine, I have also had Klonapin implemented, vicodin for pain, something else for the muscular esophageal spasms I've been having and several asthma meds. Welbutrin has also been implemented in dealing with the quitting smoking and withdrawal depression that comes from it. If it doesn't work I guess I'll switch to Chantix. I'd love to be a social smoker, but I don't know if my personality type can handle it right now. I finally got my adderall, which is a life saver since much of my smoking was due to excess energy. So since I'm heavily medicated, the chance of me going on a murderous rampage right now is low, and I'm planning on just getting back into my healthy routine and figuring out what is good for Chase. I keep using the money I'll save on cigarettes as an incentive to quit smoking.

The main thing is that I don't sacrifice my quality of life for my length of life. I've seen so many people give up happiness, just to have more days of misery on earth, which doesn't appeal to me at all. I have a bucket list that I'm working on, but when it's time for me to go out, I plan to do it well!

Thanks so much for the well wishes I've been getting. Even though I'm one of the strangest ppl in the world, the people who care about me rock my socks and as I learn more about my disease(s) I will keep yall informed of the drama and shiz.

Seratonin and insanity

2010-02-15T12:37:00.006-06:00

So, its been approximately a week since I've last posted. As my life goes on every day, I reflect back on this past week and realize that this has been one of the oddest weeks of my adult life. I am continuing to travel through the world of Carrie Bradshaw and her fabulous friends and am in the middle of about 4 novels right now as well, all of them different genres and opposite themes. Though I've been enjoying watching the SITC series, I haven't really been inspired to write about the topics, because frankly, I haven't been interested in love, sex and relationships, which as we all know are the major themes of that show. I've dropped the novels I was reading with love themes and traded them in for tragedies, self-finding, and unconventional fiction that only a genius can invent.

I've also been off my Paroxitine for about a week now, which means that my body is going through a major serotonin deficiency and withdrawal. The results, however have been so interesting in the fact that my creative, real side is emerging. The raw, realistic, somewhat morbid Chase is beginning to show. The pure jack-ass Chase that my employees at work detest. The Chase that society tends to shun because he's so "odd." As I take notes of my body's reaction to this lack of medication I've been on for over a year, its scary as well as intriguing to watch. I've noticed my brain is always in a daze, yet studying and comprehending several things at once. I've taken on an insane look in my eyes, and have absolutely no appetite, except for cigarettes, coffee and iced water. I've also been infested with some sort of terrible upper respiratory bacteria that is wreaking havoc on my body, which is not pleasant at all.

Serotonin is the chemical that our brain produces when we sleep. My brain, for some unknown reason, doesn't produce enough of this chemical which is causing the present effects that I'm noticing in my body, physically and mentally. This was dealt with in the past by supplementing a prescription drug into by body to preserve the balance. Now this drug has been ripped away. Add to that the fact that I have this upper respiratory infection which is affecting the little sleep that I get and you get the crazed maniac that I currently am.

This past week at work was almost an absolute hell. I love my job and everything it entails, but there have been a few confidential issues going on facility wide which is placing me in an unattractive spotlight currently. It's definitely true that when there's waves in upper management, those waves continue to ripple down to middle-lower management where I presently reside. The results aren't always pleasant, but situations like these can make or break a person's career and I'll be damned if I let this break me.

I also went to Austin again last weekend for a date and night on the town, and had the most absolute best night of my life. The company I had was phenomenal (I hope I've made a new friend for life), the night life, bar hopping and freedom was so exhilarating. I don't ever remember having that great of a time.

Driving back to Mexia yesterday though, a thought crossed my mind. Would moving to Austin for that reason actually be a wise decision right now? Would I be setting myself up for failure by living a life of reality versus what I see in television shows, movies and novels? Obviously unless you're an heiress like Paris Hilton, or some other well fortuned individual, the life of fun will not be consistent with the life of hardships that occur wherever a person lives. Would I actually, in doing what makes me happy right now, be the cause of hate, resentment and depression later in life? I absolutely do not want that to happen. As my real self oversees the parts that have been hidden for so long, I realize that I don't have a clue of what I want in life, besides to be happy. As a 24 year old, I don't know what I want to be when I "grow up." I don't know whether I want to live in a booming metro area, versus a solitary place that's rich with peace and quiet. I realize that just because I'm not living the same life that the 20-somethings I interacted with last weekend doesn't mean I'm not living. Also, just because I'm in a town of 6000 people doesn't mean I have to fit that small town mold that's so wildly encouraged in these parts. I proved that to myself last weekend by taking the trip down south and having the time of my life. So, as it appears right now, I haven't a clue what to do. I know I'm at least content right now, working in an awesome job, attending school still without the slightest idea of a major and supporting myself well enough that I am able to take those spontaneous trips and adventures that I find calling me every once in a while. I must be doing something right. Plus I can see my goals ahead of me. I can see that I want to write, I want to help people and I want to live the way that I want, not the way that the people in Mexia, or the people in Austin want me to live.

I'm a self supporting, intelligent 20 something guy with no major ties. I'm not interested in falling in love currently (if love exists) though I wouldn't knock it if it did happen to me because it would just be another mountain to climb. I've realized that I can be utterly physically attracted to someone, enjoy their personality and have great sex with them, and not commit myself to the priority of accepting the responsibility of an unconventional relationship that is required when this happens. I've always been a "romantic" personality type, but now I'm realizing that being a romantic isn't my only personality trait. The independence, creativity and humanitarian is also in there, and to make it work, there should be an equal balance of all these traits.

So we must ask; what's in store for Chase? To answer bluntly, I don't know. The lack or serotonin has handicapped my ability to fully focus and make future plans as I've always been prone to do. Right now I'm taking it one day at a time. I know that I want to further my education, my career and my living situations, but the how isn't as important as it's been in the past. I've been getting awesome, random ideas for novels and would love to begin working on them since being a published author is a long term goal that I have. I'm also watching the changes at my present company of employment and keeping an eye open for ways to advance and prove myself worthy. I've decided to continue school, without the idea of a major since I've already got enough hours completed for the equivalent of a master's degree and am going to take what appeals to me and if I have to get a bachelor's in general studies instead of a specific field, oh well. The idea of college anyways is to learn instead of creating a program. Maybe when I have the number of hours to be equivalent to a PhD, I'll have decided on a major and have the official piece of paper. Who's business is it besides my own anyway?

So to end this scattered post of ideas, I am still going to blog about whatever comes to mind. I will continue to pursue my career, education and getting a novel published. As for location, housing and lifestyle I think I'm going to sit back and watch, see what fate offers and make the decision on what's best for Chase. :o)

Episode 3- "Bay of Married Pigs"

2010-02-09T15:45:00.003-06:00

Episode 3 of Sex in the City was an awesome one based on an awesome topic, Singles versus Marrieds and the silent war between them.

Beginning with Carrie being flashed by a friend's husband while visiting them on vacation, the girls have their usual convo over dinner in reference to the fact that the wife became angry with Carrie over her husband's indecency.

The girls start a topic that we all wonder about sometime in our life; is it better being single or married, and do married people have something against singles in general? Topics begin to fly faster than I can remember, but something the girls all agreed on was that once someone becomes married/attached, they seem to leave their single friends. Is it because they don't trust a single around their partner? Is it because they feel they are above a single?

The girls felt that a single in a group of marrieds was usually treated like a leper, or worse, a whore. Also why were couples always invited to events? Even if, as a single you're invited to an event, why are you expected to bring a date? These questions have haunted me for years, especially as someone who usually couldn't get a date, and in turn had to miss the events.

As a strong single man in a married/ couples' world, I have had to deal with this quite frequently. In societies across the world the norm is defined as meeting someone special, settling down and raising kids that probably can't be afforded.

In today's time, people who remain to be single are obviously freaks. Usually there is some excuse people make for the individuals that choose not to choose the norm. For example, one of the major excuses people make in a small town is that the terminally single person is secretly gay. Sometimes the people (especially the old people) say that the single is "not quite right in the head." The lame excuse of being overburdened in your career is sometimes even said in the small town.

In episode 3, Miranda is at her law firm's annual softball game that's full of co-workers and spouses. Miranda, who's single, realizes that she's not fitting in these events, but continues to attend for the exposure and hopes of a promotion. At the game Miranda's coworker decides to set her up on a blind date, who turns out to be a lesbian. Miranda, who is straight, automatically begins to get professional recognition, which in turns leads to her faking a date at the company dinner party with her lesbian friend.
This scene actually frightened me. Miranda, who I've always seen as strong, though a bit unstable, actually is desperate enough for the exposure to pretend to be something that was for so long forbidden in order to get what she wants! To see the lack of recognition as a single, versus much attention in a gay relationship, among a group of affluent republicans is shocking to say the least. I began to ponder this in relation to life. Here in Mexia, a fairly conservative and small town, the single would have out bounded the lesbian in that battle, or at least I expect since neither singles or homosexuals seem to be welcome around here. In the real world, however, (outside of Mexia or any small southern town) I could honestly see this actually happening! In the 21st century being gay is actually becoming a trend, I don't see any trend developing around singles. Could it be if I were to live in Dallas, Atlanta, Miami, Los Angeles or Manhattan, a married man, regardless of age, orientation, color or religion, be preferred over me? I can actually see this happening.

Single people are also majorly stereotyped. Singles have been defined as immature, party animals, whores and man-stealers, desperate wannabes and social failures. These people who do the stereotyping usually tend to forget that once they weren't always the respectable attached people they are now.

Personally I enjoy being single. I can barely take care of a dog, how am I supposed to take care of a significant other and, if hell were to freeze over, a kid? I have the personality of wanting to do what I want, when I want. I like to spend my hard earned, meager salary on myself. Of course, having someone to walk home with, keep the bed warm and have deep conversations with is nice, but can't that all be accomplished with casual dating? Surely that's better than being attached at the hip to someone.

Casual dating can be defined as many things. It can be done out of convenience, such as the events where a date is expected. This instance doesn't have to be romantic or sexual. It can be done with a friend. For example if the company banquet is next week, you don't have a date, call up a friend to see if s/he would like to go. This is perfectly fine, as you will enjoy your company and still attend the event without being dubbed as the horrid single. One note of caution though: Once the news gets out that you and your date aren't romantically involved, expect pity and sympathy. You will now not only be labeled as a "single," but also as a pathetic one that can't get a date. I speak from experience on this, as its happened to me once, twice or 6 times before.

Next we come to the "friends with benefits" casual dating. This is the type of dating where two people are not in a committed relationship, but have physical relations and consider themselves friends. Since FWB is usually not monogamous, being safe is a priority. As long as you are protecting your priority, yourself, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with this scenario. Humans, including nuns and priests, have physical urges, and finding someone you know and trust to address these can really take a load off you. FWB will sometimes go on public dates, such as dinner, movies or something which only increases the fun! Now, not only are your physical needs addressed but also your social ones. With some people, FWB dating is the only way to be. One note of caution. Be on the lookout for those darn love-like feelings to develop. Once one of the people in the relationship develops feelings, the whole thing will fall apart, including the friendship. Jealous people do horribly in these relationships (which is why I never do them).

The last, and my personal favorite form of casual dating is the "Emphasis on CASUAL dating." In my opinion, this is the ideal relationship. You find a person you like, and likes you in return and casually date. You are committed to once another, and there is no sleeping around. This is the person that, when you want a date, accompanies you. In EOC dating, you aren't attached at the hip, but you're still true to your partner. You will not live together (but may occasionally spend the night with each other), or see each other every day, but that makes the dates you do spend together more special. From my viewing experience, the fire and romance lasts longer on this type of dating. Also, if one day you do decide you want to be "attached," this dating will smooth the evolution process of that.

Different people have different preferences, wants and needs though. Its important to find the type, and partner that will suit you best to these needs.

As it can clearly be seen, as a single I represent and stick up for my peers. Being a 20-something in America today, there is way too much to do and be offered instead of settling down so early. At this time in my life, I have no plans to sacrifice everything for a "ball and chain." Maybe someday that may change. Maybe someday someone will change my mind, but until then I'm enjoying living the single life and those who don't like it can kiss a chupacabra!

Top 25 on iTunes

2010-02-08T14:39:00.003-06:00

From iTunes, my top 25 played songs. This is from the whole existance of my iPod, so some songs are more played, just b/c they've been here longest. Curious to start tracking to see how my tastes change over time.
Poker Face- Lady GaGa: For awhile I couldn't get enough of this song. Its dark, sexy and awesome to dance to

Thinking of You- Katy Perry: One of my all time favorites. The lyrics stay locked in my mind.

Big Girls Don't Cry- Fergie: One of my all time favorites. I never grow tired of this song.

Fly On The Wall- Miley Cyrus: Fun track, full of attitude. I love to dance to this song.

Supermassive Black Hole-Muse: Something about the music, This song makes me feel bad-ass!

I Won't Say (I'm In Love)- Hercules Sndtrk- The lyrics make me feel good, and romantic

7 Things-Miley Cyrus: My most played song. There's nothing about this that I don't like. My theme.

Cooking By the Book-Lazytown: Fun, kids song.

If I were a Boy-BC Jean: Powerful and truthful. Her raspy voice pulls me in.

Paparrazi-Lady Gaga: This song makes me feel famous. I love the stalker message.

Love Story (Pop Mix)- Taylor Swift: I want this to be my love story.

We Danced Anyway- Deana Carter: This song makes me feel young, free and romantic

Mary Jane Shoes- Fergie: My bad-ass/chillout reggae song.

Turn Me On or Turn On Me- Vitamin C: An all time favorite, honest song.

So What- Pink: Im a rockstar, thats all there is to it!

Good Girl Gone Bad-Rihanna: Defines me

Midnight Train To Georgia- Gladys Knight: I love love love this song, and its awesome.

Just Like A Pill-Pink: My angry song. Always makes me vent my anger.

Please Don't Leave-Pink: Idk what it is about this song that made me fall in love w/ it.

Don't Trust Me-3OH!3: Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips. Fun song!

Who knew-Pink: My favorite song by her. Its lyrics are sad, deep and true.

Johnny and June- Heidi Newfield: The best metaphoric love song ever written.

Party in the USA -Miley Cyrus: My new "fun" anthem.

Hello- Beyonce: Deep, true, devoted. I long to live this song.

Unbeautiful- Lesley Roy: Raw, emotional and painful. This song speaks volumes.

SITC - "Models and Mortals"

2010-02-08T12:49:00.004-06:00

So as I advance into the world of Carrie Bradshaw and her group of 30-something, fabulous friends, episode 2 brings up a personal favorite topic, physical looks.

The episode begins with Miranda (my least favorite of the group) who is at a dinner party with a rather ordinary guy, who she later finds out is a "modelizer," a man who only dates models.

Over Chinese takeout on a Tuesday night, the girls devour this topic. As they all go over their physical flaws, compared to models, I am immediately drawn, as usual, to Samantha, who remains mum over the personal flaws conversation. When the girls confront her about this, Samantha gives the perfect answer by informing them that she loves every part of her body. While some may view Samantha as being vain, I am drawn to her confidence in her looks and attitude, something that we all know I need to improve on. In Samantha's eyes, Samantha is perfect. While the other girls complain about their bodies, Samantha gives them that "don't give a damn" attitude that I admire and covet.

Researching modelizers for her weekly column, Carrie attends a fashion show with her very stereotypically gay friend, Stanford and Samantha. While viewing the show, Samantha meets Carrie's friend Barkley, who secretly videotapes his sexual conquests, and when Samantha discovers this, she seduces him just for the chance to be on film. Stanford is also in lust with his young underwear model, Derek, who's sexuality is at the moment unknown, but he's believed to be straight.

Following the show, the group heads to an after party where Samantha goes home with Barkley and Derek, surprisingly goes home with Carrie, though they only talk and don't have sex. Miranda meets up unexpectedly with Skipper and he convinces her that she's beautiful which convinces her to allow him to go home with her where its assumed they sleep together.

The episode ends with Samantha in bed with Barkley and she asks him where the camera is. He replies to her that its not on, and that he only tapes models. Rather than being insulted, Samantha tells him to videotape them and he says he can make an exception as he turns the camera on.

My first though was "What the hell!" Had I been in Samantha's place, when he said he only taped models, my first instinct would have been to feel ugly and flee the bedroom!

That makes me wonder, how important are looks? Do we all have to look like models to get laid? If we do, what's gonna happen to the other 90% of the population who aren't starving, with flawless skin and perfect hair? I pondered this for awhile after the episode and came to the following conclusion.

Every person has, in their mind, the ideal mate. Whether they're short, tall, fat, thin, bald, hairy, big breasted or not, someone out there somewhere in the world would probably think they're the most beautiful person on earth. Based on my own experience, looks aren't at all important to me, though there are some qualities that I find extremely attractive. If I had to wake up to a stereotypical model everyday, I would go crazy! If my lover was on the cover of magazines, I would feel so self conscious that I would never remove my clothes, I would always wear heavy coats and hide in dark hallways. We won't go into the qualities that I like, but to summarize, I want someone who is proportionate to me, that I don't feel insufficient to.

With billions of people in the world, it can be hard finding someone who thinks you're ideal, versus someone who thinks you'll "do in a pinch." This is especially true in a town of only 6000 people. I believe learning this goes into the previous post about being free and taking the opportunities to pursue and find that person, without settling and developing unnecessary attachments. Who cares if that person doesn't find you're looks ideal. If you've made it far enough to get to the bedroom, obviously you aren't that hideous that you aren't considered worth it. Take the promiscuous approach, treat it as a learning experience and realize that it doesn't matter what the other person thinks. Treat it like Samantha Jones. If he doesn't think you're model material, treat yourself like you're model material. You're giving him a privilege, the privilege of being with you.

It's gonna take some personal practice for me to do this, to practice what I preach, but as a 20-something in today's world, that makes it a fun part of the game.

Sex in the City, the first episode

2010-02-08T11:36:00.006-06:00

So a few weeks ago I decided that I wanted to watch the entire series of the HBO sitcom "Sex in the City." Those of you that know me know that I cannot "get into" a television series without being able to watch it in sequential order to know what's going on, so I finally went to Hastings yesterday and bought the season one dvd set. Over the years I've heard that this was a remarkable show and besides the humor, there are several scenarios that can be related to by young singles in the real world. Hopefully watching the series, and blogging about it will lead me to discover things about myself as well as the happenings in the real world.

The first episode begins with a "story" of a young girl, transplanted to New York from London who falls in loose love with a gentleman and then has her heart broken. She's being interviewed by Carrie Bradshaw (Jessica Parker) who then introduces us to her diverse, yet fabulous group of friends, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha Jones. I feel an immediate connection with Charlotte, and fall immediately in love with Samantha. The four women, who are obviously totally different in looks and personality, have an unseen electric connection that binds them, and the actresses play their parts very well. Over Miranda's birthday party, the girls finally get into a good conversation, having sex "like men."

My first thought was "are they men bashers?" I am a supporter for feminism, but I don't like when any group is categorized about being all the same. But back to the conversation. The girls vow to begin having promiscuous sex without the attachment, the way that they feel men do. Charlotte immediately shows resistance, which leads me to believe that she may be a bit conservative regarding her sexuality, and may even be considered a "romantic." Again this signifies my connection with her. While I am definitely not prudish in the least, I do have a bit of a romantic streak, with contradicts the need for "no attachment." Samantha Jones, who is a very confident woman, decides that there is no problem with the idea, which also sparks a bit of envy in me that she can be so loose and comfortable with herself.

So to summarize the episode, Carrie has a fling with an ex lover, and successfully pulls it off w/o attachment. Miranda goes on a date with Carrie's friend Skipper who is an obvious nerd, and Charlotte goes on a date with a man that she decides not to sleep with, so he goes to a club and ends up taking Samantha home. We are introduced to "Mr. Big," who has an attraction to Carrie, and though I don't care for his character, he does say something of interest. While Carrie is explaining her job and the week's topic to Mr. Big, he contradicts her and tells her that not all men are able to sleep with someone without attachment. When she asks him why, he counter questions her asking her if she's ever been in love. After dropping her off at her apartment, Carrie asks him if he's ever been in love, to which he replies, "abso-fucking-lutely." Then the episode ends.

Could that be the key? Could being in love once in life be a definition to being able to be loose and free from the need of attachment? Or is it just in a person's emotional make up? Is it related to the way a person was raised? I was raised in a traditional lifestyle where the norm is to date someone, settle down and get into a life "rut" of marriage, kids and a job you hate, but so were hundreds of others I know, some who can go out to be promiscuous, and some who marry the first person they sleep with and settle down before they can legally consume alcohol.

Personally I hate that idea. I have the same mindset as Samantha Jones, and believe that life is meant to be abundant, sex fun, and in the end the only person that matters is yourself. I also have nowhere near the self confidence needed to live that lifestyle. As much as I like, yet pity her, I can also relate to Charlotte, not jumping straight into bed with one of the city's most unattainable bachelors because she doesn't want to be just another notch in the bedpost. Maybe she feels that she's just being used? Maybe Charlotte doesn't have the self confidence needed to "do it for herself."

We also must consider the idea of reputation. Being from a small town, a person's reputation can make or break them. Population is the variable in what I call the "slut factor." In a small town, a person who gets around sexually automatically gets labeled as a "slut" or "whore." In a large city, it doesn't matter as much, since there are more people and the chances of gossip and rumors getting to potential employers, landlords and people that have known you since you were a child are much less. I also feel that self confidence has a large part in this because no-one wants to be labeled as a whore, but people like Samantha Jones know they're fabulous and obviously don't care what people around them think. After all, in Samantha's eyes, Samantha is most important, which is something I totally believe in, but again don't have the confidence to follow through with.

Its obvious that in my research I pursue different scenarios and variables that define the ability for promiscuous, un-attached hook ups with randoms. Being in love once in my life, I will take that into consideration, and also since my history of "hook ups," which there honestly haven't been many, have been mostly via alcohol usage I will need to enlarge the scale and begin taking notes.

This doesn't mean I'm going to turn into a major slut lol. I plan to get out more, interview a variety of people and compile results as any competent researcher does, though participating in some research myself is not totally out of the question.

Above all, I'm a young adult, I'm semi-attractive, smart enough, and driven enough to learn as much as I can in this lifetime regarding whatever topics I want. This is my only life as Chase Simmons, and I plan to learn as much as I can about Chase Simmons and help make him as successful as possible. Whether this effects my reputation positively, negatively or whatever, I plan on being like Samantha Jones, in charge of my own life and loving myself more than anything.

Rockin it to Disney

2010-02-07T16:52:00.003-06:00

So I'm here this afternoon, not partaking in all of the Superbowl junk thats going on today. I had some quiet leisure time, so of course I decided to browse through the thousands of songs on my iTunes to think and develop some ideas for something.
As I jammed, I found myself coming back to the disney soundtracks from the movies from my childhood. The Disney movies from that time period absolutely rocked. I listened to the lyrics that I loved as a child, but never quite understood the depth of them that I can in my adulthood.
I browsed songs from Aladdin, Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty and tons of other great ones. I began to listen, and said "Hey, I can relate to this." The powerful intent of the heroes and heroins from the movies filled my soul, and suddenly I understood where they were coming from...

A street rat in Arabia, who has to steal and outsmart to survive. Or the weird half fish/half woman creature that dreams to go to a place that's forbidden by her overprotective father and where the love of her life lives (plus she'd dry out and die.) What about the teenage slave to her evil, chainsmoking step-mother, and hags of step-sisters? Then there's the young, semi-cute princess, who's all alone and wants someone to love so bad that she begins to have hallucinations about him and claims she sees him in her dreams. Its all so fantastic!
Anyways, I can relate to these fictional, weird people. Mexia might as well be under the sea. The State pays so low that you must fight to survive. There's a major babe drought here, and you if you do meet someone, you may feel like a beauty, and feel that they look like a beast...

So, these songs are awesome. I think these days people forget to listen to lyrics and what they say. Since I've began to consider myself a mini-celeb (to boost self esteem) I am constantly looking for new songs to be "theme songs" or at least part of the soundtrack of my life.

Disney reminds me to follow my dreams, that anything is possible, including hideous dragons and apples that will make you sleep forever. Disney reminds me that I can grow my hair long enough to send it out the window and even the fact that someday, I may find someone to take a 21st century version of a magic carpet ride and go anywhere and not care about anything thats not of interest to me.

In closing, I want everyone to remember these lessons that Disney songs teach us. Though the times change, people change and technology changes, the structure of human nature and emotions doesn't really change. Anything is still possible and if you suppress the things you want long enough, some evil woman will make you scrub her floors, a wicked witch will give you a poison apple, or worse, an evil sea witch/octopus may try to steal your lover from you. Get out there and do it and forget all about the evil ones.

Work out

2009-06-23T15:03:00.000-05:00

For my last birthday, friend (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school atheltic star, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. After all I didnt want to hurt his feelings. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My friend seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my whines bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by escalators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, because it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank!

FRIDAY:I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:I had the Church van pick me up for services today so I could go and thank GOD that the week is over. I will also pray that next year my friend (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Little Bunny Foo Foo (True Version)

2009-06-23T14:59:00.000-05:00

Ok. The true story:
Lil bunny foo foo was hoppin through the forest.As he was hoppin, he was scooping up field mice and boppin them on the head.
(First I wanna know what field mice are doing in the forest. Shouldnt they be in a field somewhere? I think the story means forest mice, but I guess field sounds better.)
All of a sudden this witch flies down from the sky...
Now I guess she is weird, b/c this heifer can somehow talk to rabbits, which have like an IQ of .5.
Well anyways, the witch, or faery, whatever she is, anyways this bitch tell's little bunny foo foo:
"Look Bitch!" I am sick and tired of you picking up these mice, and bopping them on the head. I'm a nice old witch, so I guess Ill give you a few more chances, but remember: those little bastards are on the endangered species list, and if I catch you and your little foo foo ass bopping them again, I am going to skin you alive, wear your coat as a scarf and then me and the little field mice that are left, we are gonna eat your carcass for supper. Got it?
Let's just say, foo foo didn't bop anymore field/forest mice...

Religion Rant October of 08

2009-06-23T14:58:00.001-05:00

Short and simple rant. Don't take anything personal.
I do not know why overly religious people attempt to shove their beliefs down my throat. I understand that there is a such thing as witnessing, but there is an invisible line there that can be crossed from witnessing to harassment.
Nobody but God has the authority to determing what my fate will be based on my actions.
I have a God, he created me, and he understands me. He created you, human, and really you have no buisness trying to understand me, and unless you have walked my life in my shoes, you haven't a clue ok?This is just something I want to blog about, nothing serious happened to spur my writing. Just FYI
And what about the feelings of responsibility? In the book Divine Secrets of YaYa sisterhood. There is a quote that I still remember. A nun told a strong heroine, Genevieve Whitman, that "I am responsible for saving these girls' souls." Genevieve replied by saying, "You'll be lucky if you can save your own!" My thoughts exactly, make sure you are taken care of before you put your worry and strength into me. I promise I will rebel everytime. It's a Scorpio/Redhead thing lol.
I love it! lol. Until your perfect, please don't judge me. I try my hardest to be a classy, tactful gentleman, but we know it doesn't always work out that way. Deal with it!
I am a strong believer of the scale system. I follow it every day, and my God understands that. As long as I'm doing more good than bad, I'm in good shape. I never want the bad side of the scale to outweigh the good. These are my opinions and I stick to them. I don't try to convince everyone of my beliefs, but I do not mind having sharing my opinions. Again, no-one is perfect, we all "sin" and we were all created the way we are by God. Everyone has a "cross" to bear, and you should worroy about your own, unless of course someone asks for help.
I promise it will work out correctly. I have total faith in MY God! When I say MY God, I mean the God I believe in, not the God that "so called" christians are bragging about how mean and unlovable he is if you do wrong. I cannot see how God created one of his children, and set them up to fail horribly or else have a miserable life. I was put here to be happy, and live my human life to the fullest and do as much good as I can while Im here. My God created me just the way I am, and he knows what I face from day to day, and he knows every thought/feeling I have.
I'm not angry or anything, just doped up on Benedryl, but it sounded like a good rant. Comment to let me know what you think. If you disagree, I would like to hear it, and if you agree I would like to hear it. I'm always open to opinions and theories, as long as they aren't forced on me.
xoxo I heart you all!

November 08 Animal Rights Activists

2009-06-23T14:54:00.000-05:00

So. I was doing research on dogs in labor, to prepare for my upcoming litter. I stumbled on the Yahoo! Answers website and was reading some of the user questions and replies from other users.
These animal rights activists or ARAs are CRAZY! Very seldom did these people answer a question. Usually their replies consisted of condemning the asker to hell because he/she did something that they saw unfitting, or asked a question that they wanted to gain information on, and were criticized for something. Another thing all these idiots did were to tell everyone to go out to a pound to adopt a loving dog instead of buying one from someone because people that bred dogs were as bad a satan himself, contributing to the homeless animal numbers in America. Sheesh! The people said NEVER buy a dog from a petstore or "puppy mill" because these dogs are treated badly and they arent a good choice for owners...
I had to do it. I had to piss them off! I asked a simple question about why dogs from the pounds are better than buying a puppy from a pet store... I asked that even though the people involved in the pet business may not be the best, do the puppies have to suffer? If they aren't bought, they are usually dumped out on the side of a road to starve to death, or else taken to... you guessed it... to the pound! Therefore when you "save a life" at the pound, to get that "great" dog these ARAs are recommending, aren't you getting the same dog that they told you not to get because of breeding problems and unfit pets? Duh dumbasses!
So I asked that question on there, and I got a few replies. Most of them were stupid excuses about how they don't want the breeder benefitting from the purchase... I then asked, "So you are an ARA, but you could care less about the life of the animal, you just want the people to suffer. I thought the priority of an ARA was to support ANIMALS and assure that they were safe? Sounds kind of odd to me."
So then I actually asked my question about expectant chiapoos and asked for advice. I never got any advice, people just told me I was the devil for supporting and breeding mixed breeds. If I was going to breed, I should do it right. I should have never bought dogs when there were dogs at the pound, blah blah blah the fuck blah! So now I'm thinking... "My kids are animals, but these people don't support them, because of what they are. Don't they need love too? It appears that these rights activists only support it when it benefits them? Such fucking hyppocrits! I hate when people talk bad about my kids and don't even know them... Its a parent thing, and then to call me an unfit parent? I was in fumes, so I sent some provate messages that were too explicit to post on here.
I also wonder why they are so angry and violent? Like the instance of Lindsay Lohan and the Olsen Twins... WTF? Violence does not solve anything, and I dare them to throw flour or dump blood on me if I wear animal fur. I may go to jail, but they will visit the hospital! But seriously, wouldn't that be considered a hate crime or something? People get arrested for it, but never do you see an ARA get arrested. Also, why do they choose violence? Wouldn't it be better to provide education versus violence? Campaign instead of protest. I mean there are worse people out there hurting animals besides Lindsay Lohan and the Olsen Twins. I mean these people dressed up and called them the "Trollsens." How hateful is that? I just hate how they play dirty, and I hope karma kicks their asses.
Oh and I saw the cutest Polo jacket today in the B/CS mall. It was a "puffy" jacket with animal fur (faux) around the lining of the hood, and it was 50% off, so only 49 bucks! I should have grabbed one, but I have to shop for others before I shop for myself, since I am still on state income. Besides I want that $600 coat at the Men's Warehouse, I think it was Calvin... anyways, it was hot, and it matched everything else in the store, so I think I'm just going to doo all my shopping there from now on lol. Anyways, to the point: I think I'm going to buy some garment with fur, and go to the PETA headquarters just to express my freedom of choice or something. I swear, I let these idiots piss me off more than I should have! Anyways, if you have any comments/concerns, let me know. I always love learning, or being a master debator! lol
xoxo

Shopping Delimma- November 08

2009-06-23T14:53:00.001-05:00

Sunday, November 23, 2008
Shopping Dilemma Current mood: bummed Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping
"No matter what I do, all I think about is you, even with I'm with my boo, you know I'm crazy over you" Haha. The word dilemma made me think of the old school Nelly/Kelly song!
The weirdest thing has happened to me. I actually somewhat enjoy clothes shopping for myself, especially nice, trendy clothing articles that make me look good. I used to hate to shop, and wore a solid polo shirt and khakis every day. Now I find myself expressing myself more through clothes, which I thought would never happen, and enjoy getting compliments on them. I still hate spending hours looking at things and so forth, but since I've discovered I look good in earth tones, blues and whites, I enjoy finding "fun" things to wear, that I actually look good in.
So. This story starts a few weeks ago, when one of the smartest, fashionable people in the world, HLM Jay-R, posted a blog about his christmas/birthday wish list. On this list, Mr. M. posted a photo of the greatest jacket in the world. It's a mens bubble jacket with a hood with faux fur on it! I fell in love immediately and though I remain thrifty, I lusted after that jacket, and pictured myself looking young and sexy in it, even though I rarely wear jackets since I'm so hot natured, but that's beside the point.
So last wednesday, as many of you know, I had to go to College Station to take my state exit exam, and after the completion of the passed exam, I was feeling good and wanted to walk around the mall to do some xmas shopping.
Well I went in one of the stores, either Bealls or Dillards, and low and behold, there was the gorgeous bubble jacket. Now here's where I show my true colors as an idiot. I was talking to Melanie on the phone, and looked at the Polo jacket, which was 50% off, only $50! I urged myself to walk by, since I needed to spend my meager state salary on gifts for others, instead of myself. I left the store, but still thought about the gorgeous jacket.
So fast forward to today. I woke up and was freezing!!! I had to go to Mexia to go Wal-Marting, and as I left WalMart, I became cold and depressed, and new the exact comfort item I needed. I spontaneously drove to Waco, and decided that I would find me a furred hooded bubble jacket and buy it for myself, because I deserved it! So I started out in Kolls. There was a fantastic sale going on, and I searched everywhere for the hidden jacket, but my expenditure of energy was useless. I scoured that store but to no avail, could not find a jacket. I didnt end up empty handed though, I found some nice jeans and a few shirts that I grabbed, but no jacket. I also saw some great trendy clothes that I wanted, but decided to be a little thrifty and passed them by. (I really want to go back and get the scholarly sweater though.) Next I tried the Belk. That attempt was fruitless also. Ross is next to Belk, so I went in and looked and FOUND a jacket. However, the jacket was white-out white and overstuffed. I rarely buy Ross clothes since there is usually some kind of defect, but I tried on the jacket. It was way too gangsta for me, and I looked like a marshmallow in it. Besides the fur was ugly. I left Ross empty handed.
After that I tried the Richland Mall. I looked everywhere but could not find one. To make matters worse, it seems like every young guy in the mall was wearing a bubble furred jacket today, and as tempted as I was to mug one of them for their jacket, I listened to my concious and continued looking. Aeropostale had one, but it was shiny black, and the store clerk told me I looked like a rubber tire in it, it was so shiny. I thanked him for his opinion, and agreed, so I put the shiny rubber jacket back on the shelf. I found lots of cute jackets, but I said only fur would suffice. I was hoping I could find a real fur jacket, just to piss off PETA and junk.
I finally gave up and drove home, with some new clothes, but broken hearted about the jacket. I guess I will have to drive to College Station one day next week to see if I can be fortunate enough to find another one in the mall. It seems to be the only way. I have considered sending Ralph out into the pasture to catch another rabbit for me to slaughter for it's meager hide and make my own jacket, but I'm not skilled at that kind of thing. I also, for just a second, considered turning into Cruella DeVille and after the grandpups grow up, making a dog fur jacket, but Sipsi and Ralph didn't like that idea... I guess I'm just gonna have to keep looking... *Sigh*

Attached- A mini story

2009-06-23T14:42:00.000-05:00

More freewriting. This is something I used to do awhile back as a hobby. I write a story about feelings, in an artish way. Please let me know what you think. If my readers would like, I would be glad to continue this. FYI There is always something true about my thoughts in this writing. The majority may be fiction, but it is based on realness.

Attached, but not to each other

The bar is jamming. I'm alone as always, enjoying the music, atmosphere and my vodka. Through the smoke filled bar I see you sitting alone, against the wall.

My heart flutters.

You smile at me and wink. Those beautiful dark deep eyes staring in my direction, and the way you lick your juicy lips sends a flash of red through my face. All of a sudden everyone else in the bar becomes non-existant, and the connection between our eyes grows stronger.

My heart flutters.

As you get up and walk in my direction, recognition takes form. I never thought I would see you here. Our relationship is different, one of coworkers, not of bar friends. I down the last of my vodka as you take a seat beside me. You smile and my temperature rises. I cannot act a fool in front of you. I want you to want me, just as I have lusted after you in my heart for the past several months.After a 5 year break of seeing you when we were younger, I realize that both of us have changed, for the better. You put your hand softly over mine, and stroke my palms with your fingertip.

My heart flutters.

"Please stay here" I whisper as I jump up towards the bar where I order my drink plus a shot of Stoli. After downing the shot, I make my way towards my table, with you waiting. I've got to be a good guy. Since we've been reintroduced after the 5 year break, you appear to like me more, and I want it to stay that way. I never would have guessed you liked me in a more serious way, one that I secretly yearned for since our reintroduction.You look up, smile and say "Hello."

My heart flutters (Damn Heart)

I smile, and stare at you with my green/grey eyes. Eyes that a past lover claimed I could hyptnotize someone with.
"Hello" I murmer. "Nice seeing you here tonight."
You reply "I heard this is where you were on Friday nights. I wanted to see if it was true"

My heart double flutters

I can feel the burning in my face, as well as my loins. I grab your other hand and display a seductive smile. You'r hands are soft and warm, unlike the night outside the bar. You grab my hand and slowly raiseit towards your face, where you lightly kiss my hand, almost as if I was royalty.

My heart flutters.

"I'm excited to see you here" I stutter out. I could use a whole bottle of Stoli versus another shot at this time. You tell me you are also, but its loud and you want to talk. We grab our belongings and go to pay our tabs for the night, where I shoot another ounce of Stoli.

My heart is turning somersaults

We walk to the open courtyard/garden a few blocks away. Lovers fill the park benches, blankets on grass and even propped up on picnic tables.
I lead you towards a dark corner of the courtyard. My secret place where i daydream frequently, and spend alone time. Behind the large, fragrant rose bushes growing there, we embrace.

My heart is about to come out my chest

We embrace and my hands cannot help but wander. I notice your's are too! All of a sudden our lips meet. I swear I see fireworks! The kiss, slow at first, develops into an attack of passion in which no-one, yet everyone is winning at once. My knees go weak, my netherlands stronger.

My heart is beyond fluttering

Thoughts begin to race through my head. I must have you, and it must be tonight! Places cross my mind, yet my body is still in the shaded corner of the garden, it's midnight with a full moon. Kissing and rubbing and hugging, it feels as if neither of us can get enough of one another. My mind is recollecting memories about our recent reintroduction into each others' lives and I pinch myself to assure that I am in reality

My heart flutters.

Then, out of nowhere, I hear him, calling your name. I know him workwise, and I know his reputation of being possessive. I ask what's going on, and those gorgeous deep eyes are frozen in fear. I ask again, in which you say "shhh" and listen to him calling, looking for you. I realize at once what you are to him. You are already someone's mate, and I am left out.

My heart cracks.

You grab my chin fiercly, and look me in the eyes. You tell me you care about me and want me like you've never wanted another. "But him" I state. You apoligize and say that you are confused. He has not been bad to you and you would hate to hurt him. You have always been moralistic, an area that I lack greatly in, so I try to understand.He sounds worried, yet I wanna say "Fuck Him" and stay here in our hidded paradise. You look me in the eyes again and say you must go to him, but can we see each other again.

My heart struggles to beat

I hesitate. I look at those deep eyes. I can still taste those delicious lips and swell your aroma, reminiscent of cinnamon and caramel, like your complexion.I have been in a similar situation before. I know how it feels to be the "other" man. I know how everyone involves hurts, and feelings of love can evolve into feelings of hate. I curse the fates for their humor.Your eyes are still locked on mine. I walk up to you and embrace you. I kiss those fantastic lips once again. I whisper in your ear. "Go. See me again when you have the chance." You look at me and I hope its too dark for you to see the single tear I let fall during my comprehension of the situation.

My heart hurts

You look at me, kiss me on my hands, neck and lips. You smile with your naiveness and try to tell me that everything will work out. You tell me that we will discuss this situation in person on Monday. You claim to have waited a long time to get over the fear of approaching me, and since the feeling is mutual, you must pursue these feelings that have been harbored for so long. You kiss me again, on my neck. I hear him call again for you. You look at me, ask for forgiveness and before I know it, you are beside him, looking like the ideal couple.

My heart breaks...

Randomness

2009-06-23T14:41:00.002-05:00

I realized how much I hated working in the affluent side of town when I saw a couple pushing a stroller meant for twins, and instead of twins it contained four poodles wearing pink argyle sweaters. The cashier at the liquor store said she was worried about me because she hadn't seen me the day before.
We promised ourselves we'd wait until our fifth wedding anniversary to tell our families we met in a porn chatroom.

When the reverend asked me whether or not I'd read the whole, entire Bible, I didn't hesitate in answering, "No, but I read the whole, entire Harry Potter series in one weekend."

As my knife found his flesh, I never would have guessed that my would be rapist would later sue me for his medical bills.

I have a twisted family that made me believe that chocolate milk came from brown cows until I was 14.

I received a call at 3am last night from a very exicted young man who confided in me explicitly, and asked me to keep it secret, about his first homosexual experience earlier that evening, and all I could do was say "sorry sir, you have the wrong number"

As I felt the skin of my upper thigh tug as I tried to pull the small bottle of superglue out of my right pocket, I realized something must have gone horribly wrong.

We lost the baby a week after we finished the nursery

My ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, who happens to be my ex-girlfriend, is dating my ex-girlfriend and I am honestly happy for them.

After years of proclaiming my extreme objection to cell phones, all it took for me to get one was a message on my voicemail from my mother saying she had to take a cab to the emergency room because I was not home to answer her call.

The death threat wasn't even the worst part of my day.
It just dawned on me that I paid 20 cents for his text that said "Don't ever call me again."

"I would run away with you tomorrow if I weren't dating your best friend," he said while we were having sex on my best friend's bed.

When I was 14 I saw a gang of younger kids killing a wild rodent, so I went behind the apartment building and cried.

Not 24 hours after she dumped me outside of my 6th period chemistry class, she discovered she was pregnant with my baby.
_______________________________
SOME CHASE THOUGHTS
Just curious to why ppl seem to think I'm a relationship/sex therapist, when I am probably the most unexperienced person in both fields in the world. My advice seems to work though.
Also, why do ppl criticize me for pampering my pets, when my pets are the ones that love me more than anyone else in the world?
Why can't I ever seem to be satisfied with what life gives me? Why do I always want more?
Why is it easy to think of doing an action, yet when it comes time to actually act, the fear sets in.
Why is failing such a big fear for so many ppl, especially when others are depending on you?
Why can some ppl eat anything they want and stay super thin, but others smell food and automatically gain 20 lbs?
I fully understand Taylor Swift's "Teardrops on my guitar" now. She liked a guy who was her friend, but he liked someone else, so he confided in her about his thoughts of lust towards the other one, which ended up hurting Taylor. Funny how that really happens.
Or what about liking someone secretly, then finding out your friend likes that person also, not secretly, and the friend and the prospect hook up, and the friend, not knowing you were interested in the prospect, keeps calling/texting you, asking for relationship/sex advice. You know you're a good person when you give that person honest advice, and are happy that he/she has found happiness. Thankfully I'm a good person. I realized that "it wasn't mutual" without it being unspoken, and there is nothing I can do about that but keep the minor hurt inside, and feel happiness for the friends and hope that everything works out well for them.

Ok! Here we go...

2009-05-08T14:35:00.000-05:00

So I started a blog here! Still learning how to do everything. Probably also going to import some of my better myspace blogs over here also... Myspace is somewhat fading out, and blogspot seems to be a pretty good place to start a blog.... Hopefully I can learn more about the site, when I actually have time. Expect random blogs of all subjects, expect to learn alot about me... Anyways, we'll talk a little later.