Life-Strength-Actions

Song lyrics say the words that my heart is screaming, but my mouth is afraid to even whisper.



Right now, I don't know where I'm at or what I'm doing half the time.

Life is so fast, yet so empty. My music keeps me (mostly) sane.

At 24 which direction life may choose to point.



I know what I want, what will make me happy.
But I don't know HOW to get it.



I want you, crave you, desire you.

I think you might think you want me too. I haven't figured out yet.

Call me pathetic, it's probably true, but I live life to please myself & not you.



They say it's a burden, to me it's a pleasure. They say They say They say, who are "they?"



Is it normal to want a permanent, adult life? Living in constant waiting and transitioning is not the life for me.

I want to move, fly, & be content. I want my own, not borrowed, stolen, given or such.



I want love, life, permanence, satisfaction. It doesn't have to be perfect. It (&you) just has to be mine, forever.

Who cares if their's is bigger, better, more expensive. I can make it worth it. I can be worth it, I promise that.

It shouldn't be this hard. It's only another barrier to overcome.



Will it come through? This is real life, not a fairytale. There isn't always a happy ending. Sometimes it ends in gruesome manners, bloody, gory, horrific...



As a human living in the real world, the only thing we can do it to keep hope. Hope for the best, & work our ass off in order to get the desired results.

Tears are inevitable, hearts will become broken and scarred. But to survive the fight must be there...



Fight. Strength. Love. Fear. Work.

Frustration (Another FB Note)

So, I recently read a psychological-based article that recommended writing out/blogging a list of current frustrations to get them out of your head. By blogging or posting to a public forum, a person is allowed to share their feelings without having to bore someone with "woe is me" stories, or to bring someone off their high-horse with your personal issues. By writing, its there for folks to read, but no-one is obligated to listen to you drone on. Thought I'd try it since I'm feeling quite frustrated & want to get back to a peaceful state of mind. Here goes...



I'm frustrated its hot, & I'm tired of sweating.

I'm frustrated bc all this sweating is making my face break out.

I'm frustrated bc I'm 24 years old & my face breaks out like a teenager.

I'm frustrated bc I've lost 35lbs, run 12 miles weekly, control caloric intake, & am still chubby.

I'm frustrated bc I was born with traits (pale skin, red hair, freckles) that the majority of the population considers ugly.

I'm frustrated bc I'm ready for changes, but have to depend on others to do their part too.

I'm frustrated because ppl try to shove organized religion in my face.

I'm frustrated because these same people are trying to shove a symbolical knife in my back.

I'm frustrated because ppl can't mind their own business & get in my business by gossiping versus coming to the source (me) & getting correct information.
I'm frustrated bc I'm a 24 yr old, single male that doesn't whore around & chooses to focus on more important things, therefore something is "wrong" w/ me bc I don't fit the stereotype of my peer group.

I'm frustrated bc if I was a 40 year old, attractive, married man with children I wouldn't have half the problems that are currently frustrating me.

I'm frustrated because humanity has gone down the proverbial hole.

I'm frustrated bc my parents dictated my life, made choices & determined outcomes that have affected the rest of my life, but bailed once I hit adulthood & garnered more important priorities, but then get upset & tell me I'm too independent.
In fact, I'm frustrated that at times I feel like the parent instead of the child.

I'm frustrated that people complain about how miserable their life is but don't do anything to change it, yet I'm chomping at the bit to make changes that I'm unable to do, due to the initiation depending on someone else.

I'm frustrated that people assume "older means wiser." Older doesn't mean JACK, except being more opinionated, full of hot air & thinking younger ppl are stupid.

I'm frustrated that kids are taught never to settle for anything less than the best. The advice-giver has obviously never been an unnattractive young adult who only attracts potential mates he has no attraction to, but is too nice & empathetic to hurt someone elses feelings since he's experienced rejection before.

I'm frustrated that some skinny bitches can eat whatever they want while some of us (who are already not cute) can look at food & gain 30lbs.

I'm pissed bc even if I do get an "attractive" body, I can't go shirtless bc I was cursed with 4 stretch marks on my sides from a growth spurt at 12 years old.

I'm frustrated because the general population is shallow enough to think that stretch marks, freckles & body fuzz is gross. (Yet they wonder why I don't date.)

I'm frustrated bc some of the greatest people ever born are now dead, yet someone like me (average, weird, unnattractive) can live to be a hundred.

I'm pissed bc some people never realize the treasure they have (in a child, student, client) & remain oblivious to that fact while the other person suffers & has the hard life.

I'm frustrated bc just because someone decides to help, care for, or be unselfish for someone less fortunate, people assume there's obviously something "wrong," an alterior motive, or underlying benefit. It appears people aren't allowed to be nice or practice moral behaviors.

It frustrates me that I let myself get frustrated so easily.

I'm frustrated because I lack efficiency in spelling, numerical equations & other common skills that make me look ignorant.

I'm frustrated because I have too much empathy & sympathy, which causes my heart to break quite often.

I'm frustrated that some people have good opportunities (that I'd love) yet waste them.

I'm pissed that I have to work full time while going to school 3/4 time since my parents wouldn't let me go off to school following high school bc they were selfish & wanted to keep me close, yet within a month after graduation I was told I needed to get a job & had to figure out the whole fafsa, college, degree plan thing on my own.

I'm frustrated because my independent nature actually caused quite a bit of hardship due to other priorities coming first.

I'm frustrated because that frustrates me since I know there are millions that would kill for the life I had growing up (& were probably much more deserving), yet I dwell on the things I didn't like.

I'm frustrated because I have to have a feeling of relevance, which I haven't been getting lately.

I'm frustrated because I'd love to jump on a plane, fly to an underdeveloped country & get my hands dirty helping poverished populations, but I'm unable to do that due to things that tie me here.

I'm frustrated that I'm in my mid twenties & don't know what to do with my life.

I'm frustrated bc my jaw hurts due to having "weak" teeth which was given to me by genetics.

I'm frustrated that I frequently make impulse decisions that I almost always regret.

I'm frustrated that so many souls depend on me, yet there's no-one that I can depend on, & everytime I have depended on someone I've been let down, therefore Ill be damned if I let those who depend on me down, bc I accepted the obligation & I am responsible.

I'm frustrated because I just figured that out on my own, and couldve saved millions of dollars on therapy & meds trying to figure out why I'm screwed in the head.
Speaking of that, I'm frustrated that I look, talk, act, think, & feel the opposite of the characteristics I would choose for myself were I given the chance...

And finally (for now), I'm frustrated because I've typed this entire list of things & upon reviewing it, see that I sound like a spoiled brat who should be thankful for everything that has gone well instead of what hasn't. Things can always be worse, & I'm complaining about negative things while there's so many awesome things out there for me. It appears that the majority of these frustrations are my fault, one way or another, & its up to me to make sure the rest of my life is the best.

After completing this exercise I do feel better getting it out of my head & into text. I definitely recommend it to anyone who's feeling overwhelmed or stressed. Just put it out there instead of keeping it cooped up inside.
Its documented that stress, frustration & lows are natural human nature. If we didn't have the bad, how would we know to appreciate the good? I feel the important key is to recognize these feelings, not ignore them, & base what you need to do to reach the level you want to be at. I apologize for sharing negativity & putting it out there, but at least I'm sending it out into the world, away from me.

My advice for now is to always strive for what's important to you. Whether its a house, job, degree or care for a loved one. Its obvious that people are going to talk bad about you. Its probably going to piss you off or hurt your feelings, but don't waste your life worrying about them, because they're just wasting their life concentrating on you. Easier said than done, but effort is better than giving in.

Goodnight my sweet chupacabras. Have a wonderful night.

"Me & You"-(copied from a fb note I wrote)

To various people:

It seems that distancing myself from you helps temporarily, but there are still times I long for the past. The past when it was mandatory to see one another daily. There wasn't a day that went by that we didn't speak on the cellular. Then one day you decided that it wasn't worth it, that I wasn't worth it. You say one thing but your actions contradicted it. I still followed, like a sheep to slaughter, knowing doom was imminent, but not changing the path that I'd let myself wander too far down. I was naíve and was learning, but didn't have the knowledge or confidence to know I deserved more.

Now I have found more, I've found you. You aren't perfect either, but you make me feel relevant. You make me feel "worth it," which is a polar opposite. Its not perfect, but it's ours and we have a lifetime to make it perfect. When I look at you I know we've loved one another in a previous life. The connection is still there. I promise I got your back & can never, ever repay you for everything you've given me. You've shown me that life is meant to be perfect & regardless of one's past, its never too late to get what you deserve. Knowing this may have saved my life, your life, his life or her life. Things like that can't even have a value assigned to them.You have my service, love, attention & devotion for ever. I promise that.

And finally to you. I don't even know you, what you look like, sound like, feel like, or anything. I have never met you, but I know you exist, somewhere in the world. There are too many people in the world for you not to exist. I don't know your age, race, residence or any of that unimportant junk, but I'm confident youre somewhere out there & I'm just waiting on faith to recognize the perfect opportunity to bring us together.

My heart may not be perfect. It may be mended, scarred, full of love, hate & cigarette smoke, but its a powerful organ. The human heart was made to beat, to spread life and to love. Hearts have the ability to grow. My heart will never be too full to add love. To my past, present and future loves, you've all got a place in my heart. A place that is always yours and I promise you will never be replaced or forgotten, for there's always room for more in my heart... <3

Careers: To Choose, or Not to Choose.

So my mom was complaining about having to go back to work tomorrow (after being off the past month) & I was like "WTF?" She said that, as a school counselor, she only gets one month off, as opposed to the teachers who get like 6 or 8 weeks off. I told her that she should be glad she gets a month. At the State we only get like 12 weird holidays every year & have to work all 12 months without any kind of Winter Break, Spring Break or Summer Break.

Honestly, if I didn't detest those vile little creatures called children (glad I never was one), then I'd totally consider working for the school system...

Well maybe not... I don't think I'd fare well in an ISD.
(The next part is ONLY what I, personally, have observed throughout my time as a student as MISD & a citizen in the Mexia ISD.)

Have you any idea what they pay a first year teacher? Or a 2nd, third or 4th year teacher for that matter? At that pathetic base pay, not even the school holiday-breaks would be worth it because I'd be having to work a 2nd job during Christmas, spring & summer breaks just to survive financially...

Plus, from what I've observed from watching MISD, the politics are worse than working for the State. Not only do you have the Superintendent & a Principal or 3 (which I've heard at MISD have a major favoritism problem),but you also have an elected Board, who chooses whether or not to renew your annual contract, based on what they feel & hear instead of actually observing you teaching in the classroom. It all appears to be way too high on the "buddy" system, which is not good for me since I prefer to work my tail off to prove that I can do my job, & not kiss the behinds of people who may or may not renew my contract because I'm not a member of the right crowd.

On top of that, there is few little room for advancement in the school system. You start as a teacher (making pennies every month) and the only way you're going to advance is if you go back to school (and debt) to finish a Masters degree in a certain field, then hope you're part of the right crowd to get a position in your ISD as either a counselor, principal or reading/math/English specialist. If you're in a horribly political district (like MISD) & not in the right group, you will probably have to end up finding a job in another district which means uprooting your family, leaving your friends and so forth, just to advance your career to try to make something of yourself & help your family. If you choose the Administration route, after serving several thankless years as a principle, you're then eligible to apply for a position as a district Superintendent. From what I've observed in Mexia, Superintendents generally come from another district (where they've been run off from their board) and only serve one or two contract periods before their Board decides they aren't worthy & runs them off again. Way too much temporary-ness for someone who likes roots, such as myself.

While the pay of the ISD becomes tolerable (after like 10 years in the system), what's the point since you're going to either have to stay a teacher, hoping that you can stay on the right side of whatever admin comes in the next year, or as an administrator who's on the move every few years because you can't please everyone & have to make decisions that obviously not everyone will like. No thanks! Not the place for me...

While I may tease my mom about her "one month vacation," I'm really happy for her that she is fortunate enough to be in a small, happy district (from what I have seen, due to a low-turnover rate, and everyone seems to love their jobs). She's in a position she enjoys, in a nice school w/ good teachers & Admin. It's not as "clique-ish" since it is a small town & there's not really enough people in it to have more than one group lol. It's also ideal for her because she's doing what she wants to do & she doesn't like to play the political "game" which exists in so many larger places. I've noticed the teachers, aides, administrators in her district are so much more laid back, that if I had to work in an ISD, I'd definitely choose one similar to that.

However, it still isn't what I'd want. While my momma's content in her career, I'm still young (& ambitious) enough that I'd want to climb higher. While I personally am not a fan of political games, I understand that they exist everywhere and don't mind playing enough to get where I want to be.

I guess what I've realized is, that everyone is different. For some, the ISD is a perfect place for a career, while others it's horrible. I'm sure that for some the State wouldn't be ideal, and somewhere even more cut-throat with a corporate ladder is what they crave.

So in conclusion, I imagine that I've found something else to "mark off" my list of what I want to be when I grow up. I love my facility and couldn't see myself leaving to teach little beasts all day in exchange for lots of time off during the year.

I wont say that in the future, as I take more into my personal life & get older & tired of fighting I may look at something in the field of education for the aforementioned reasons, but right now, I absolutely love what I'm doing, love how it effects my personal life and I look forward to the future advancement, knowledge and whatever else it may bring me. I also encourage everyone to pursue what will give them the most out of their life. For some it seems money is the major incentive, while others want power, and some want ease. People should pursue their personal interests in careers, which is why we have so many different fields of careers in our world today.